Hallo Readers,

 Last Friday, just as WTF’s tribute to Bob Crow was published, the news broke that Labour Party grandee and former Cabinet Minister Tony Benn had died peacefully aged 88. Once again, (almost) everyone spoke well of him and trotted out the old chestnut “National Treasure”. All those who had denigrated him as a swivel-eyed loony, a ranting commie and a danger to Britain, rushed to praise him. We were told that he was “a conviction politician” and “a man of principle”, as if politicians should ever be anything else. But then, as we know, such politicians are rare as rocking horse shit. As @mrsnickyclarke sagely remarked “It is indicative that we all hunger for the real thing, not the PR fuelled Stepford politicians we are forced to choose between”.

Benn was the real thing. He did what he thought was right. He did not disguise his privileged background (Westminster and Oxford) but when the law decreed that he had to leave the Commons on the death of his father and take up his hereditary peerage, he fought to change the law and three years later, he did. He campaigned to change the Labour Party and although he largely failed, he stuck to his guns. He did not believe in pay ceilings for trade unions. He argued with Prime Minister Harold Wilson over abandoning the Labour Party manifesto once in office. He hated the idea of spin doctors or the IMF setting policies and of the European Union setting laws. He distrusted the US’s interventionist foreign policy. He said what he thought, not what he thought he should say. 

Benn was vilified throughout his life and mocked for his identification with “ordinary” people, for shortening his name from Anthony Wedgwood Benn and for drinking builders’ tea out of a large mug but he really did believe that we were all in it together. Unlike Gideon George Osborne, whose Budget this week pandered shamelessly to a patronising Tory vision of the common man by taking 1p off a pint of beer and 10% off the tax on Bingo. If there had been taxes on ferrets and jellied eels, Osborne would doubtless have cut those too. So if you drink 5 pints of beer a night down the pub, you will be a whole 35p a week better off, as well as having a beer gut and an odds-on chance of developing cirrhosis. As for the Bingo, the industry has already announced that the reduction in tax will bring no material benefit to the punters. This did not stop Tory Chairman, the appalling Grant Schapps, from tweeting this poster:

Note the use of the word “they”. The Romans appeased the plebs with bread and circuses; the Tories have opted for beer and bingo. Tony Benn would have enjoyed the irony. RIP Tony. You were a good man and you too will be missed.

To the week’s sartorial horrors, travelling first to Sydney and the premiere of Sabotage starring Sam Worthington, a person with no point whatsoever. Also present was Sam’s ghastly girlfriend, model and general celebrity-at-large Lara Bingle wearing Dion Lee.

Lara looks like the world’s oldest 28-year-old under that slap whilst the very ugly dress makes her look like a hologram in a shrunken sports bra.

Our next subject is stylist and fashionista Cameron Silver at the launch of someone else’s shoe collection in New York.

Here we have a random collection of extremely silly clothes thrown together to maximise their extreme silliness. He resembles nothing so much as a gaudy fresco in a felt hat and WTF also wishes to express great disapprobation at the rope-belt and the rolled up trouser legs.

WTF’s nephew, on being informed that Scarlett Johansson would feature this week, could hardly believe his ears. He refused to believe that his favourite actress could ever merit inclusion in this post. But Auntie is sorry to say that in this Armani Privé outfit, she so does.

Scarlett is undoubtedly beautiful and is blooming in her pregnancy and to be fair, said nephew is probably not looking so much at the clothes as at their contents. But it must be acknowledged that whereas her skirt is lovely, the top is not. Why is she dressed as a titsy Chinese armoire? And even more alarmingly, what happens when you pull those tassels?

We must now turn to Lea Michele at Glee’s 100th episode party wearing Milly and a pair of $1,500 Brian Atwood bejewelled sandals.

Sigh. The ghastly see-through-and-big-panties look lingers on like the smell of stale smoke behind the bike sheds or piss in a public doorway. Make it stop. Please. Before we all die of boredom.

Moving on, whilst one hesitates to pick on a young teenager, Kiernan Shipka, Sally Draper in Mad Men, isn’t half asking for it in this Valentino thing.

Does this remind you of anyone?

We are back to bread and circuses but WTF is not entertained. If Kiernan wanted to dress as a gladiator, she could at least have gone the whole hog and worn Roman sandals and a shield. Frankly, the action of whoever put Kiernan into this getup is tantamount to child cruelty.

This week’s It’s Got To Go features Sky News’ Kay Burley. WTF is still recovering from her performance outside St. Mary’s Hospital when Prince George was born when she ran up and down the street screaming “It’s a boy” and was fortunate to escape immediate admission to the psychiatric ward. Then there was her crass insensitivity when little April Jones went missing in North Wales. As volunteers combed the countryside, Kay took it upon herself  to inform two shocked women that “this is now a murder enquiry”. Oh and let’s not forget the Norwegian bombings when she commented  during a press conference “Whatever language you’re listening to, ‘Boom’ probably means the same thing”. For her latest coup, Kay was part of a posse chasing grieving relatives in Kuala Lumpur up a down escalator in the aftermath of MH370. As she struggled to keep up and slipped over she could be heard yelling ”I should have gone to the gym” and “I’ve lost my phone”. Kay – you’ve got to go.

WTF always like to feature a newcomer to these posts, and therefore is happy to introduce you to actress Maggie Q at the premiere of Divergent, in which she has a small role. Maggie is wearing a typically foul creation by WTF bugbear Anthony Vaccarello.

Anna dello Russo wore the same dress last year, only strapless and WTF hated that as well although Maggie, being younger and with a fantastic body, wears it much better. However, the issue is whether anyone should be wearing it at all. This, Readers, is the classic headline hijack in which minor actresses hog the limelight in an attempt to make it big by wearing something small and to be frank, this tawdry, tarty, thigh-baring, “Hey-I’ve-got-no-panties-on!!!!!” outfit is the pits.

Another newcomer, half-Iranian, half-German film producer Minu Barati Fischer wearing Fendi and carrying a revolting Fendi handbag at a Fendi  boutique launch in Munich. 

Minu is the 5th wife of the veteran German politician and former Foreign Minister Joschka Fischer and 30 years his junior. Fendi has conned her into dressing as a hairy bison and her truly hideous handbag features what appears to be a squashed brown rodent with one remaining eyeball.  You would think that the woman would have had more sense but clearly not.

Lastly we have the Queen’s granddaughter Zara Phillips.

It is not easy to be worse dressed than Princess Anne. It would normally take a team of rocket scientists working around the clock and high on crystal meth to devise such an outfit but somehow Zara has managed to outdo her mother in awfulness. Does she not possess an iron? Has her horse been kipping on her raincoat? What the hell is that feathered cabin crew hat?  And what are those things on her feet? WTF is not bothered by the baby weight but a tightly belted close-fitting mac, whether it has crumples or not, is unflattering on a new mum. Or, for that matter, on anyone busty. And Zara is both.

OK Readers. That’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good  x

Hallo Readers,

Autumn has arrived, making you wonder where the last 12 months went.  (As we gear up to start bombing Iraq, you wonder where the last 11 years went but that is another blog). The Party Conferences are upon us where politicians make dreadful jokes and promise the earth in scripted platitudes put together by young people from Head Office who have never had a proper job and who know bugger all about anything. This week was the turn of Ed Miliband who took to the stage in Manchester to set out his stall for the 2015 General Election. Frankly, his wares were sub-standard, more Walford Market than Borough Market. It is time to acknowledge that Ed does not cut the mustard.

The speech exhorting us to “do it together” was interminable, a throw-back to those endless perorations from the Politbureau where hatchet-faced men droned on for hours about collectivisation. In 1981, David Steel, then Leader of the Liberal Party, told his members to “Go back to your constituencies and prepare for Government”. Ed has been preparing for Government by wandering around parks and thoroughfares accosting members of the public like some amiable dosser and then regurgitating their responses at the Conference. Like Long Lost Family, the blub-making TV show which unites families separated at birth, one suspects that they edited out the less favourable outcomes so that Ed omitted to tell us all about the citizens whose response to his question “Will you vote for me?” was “you must be fucking joking matey…”. Perhaps Davina McCall and Nicky Campbell will soon be making a sequel called “Long Lost Voters”. Worse than all the homely bits were the non-bits, the bits which somehow didn’t make it into the speech, stuff about unimportant matters like the Deficit and Immigration that might have been thought to be of interest to those people whose day was interrupted by a wild-eyed man with an adenoidal drone. Immigration never was included in the advance draft distributed to the press and whilst the Deficit was in, Ed (who glanced only occasionally at his notes) left it out, reminding WTF of the time when she sat her History A Level and penned an essay about Charles 1 meriting execution without mentioning the small matter of the Civil War. Being Prime Minister means taking hard decisions. If you cannot even face talking about the hard stuff, it does not encourage voters to think that you are the man to tackle the hard stuff. Ed might win by default if Farage splits the Tory vote and the lefter-leaning Liberals defect to Labour when Clegg blows up like a soggy firework. But he does not look the real deal and sadly WTF has concluded he is not the real deal. He may be the best of a bad bunch but that is hardly inspirational, is it? No wonder 45% of Scots wanted out….

To the week’s sartorial nastiness, starting in Las Vegas with actress Hilary Duff wearing WTF bugbear Anthony Vaccarello. 

WTF abhors a tit window almost above all things, and in this she is joined by aficionado Antonis Daikos who tweeted @WTF_EEK in great indignation (with good reason) on seeing this picture. Although this dress is positively demure by Vaccarello standards, if standards is the word WTF is looking for, which it isn’t, it still displays an unpleasant amount of under-boobage and seems a colossal waste of £4,000. Oh – and it’s too tight.

Then we have vacuous WAG Alex Gerrard, wife of the Liverpool FC and former England captain Steven Gerrard, wearing Balmain.

Alex describes herself as a columnist, producing piss-poor copy in The  Mirror giving her aperçus on lipstick shades and the latest wares at Cricket, the WAG shopping nirvana where presumably she picked up this execrable onesie affording glimpses of her nutmeg tan, flesh-toned bra and white panties. She looks like a cut-price Paris Hilton or should that be Alex Travelodge?

We now cross the globe to Melbourne where we meet (for the first but probably not for the last) time, designer and “celebrity” Gabi Grecko wearing a dress of her own conception.

Gabi, 25, is engaged to colourful ex-jailbird Australian entrepreneur Geoffrey Edelston, 71. WTF has no doubt that it is a true meeting of minds like Jean Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir. Geoffrey owns an AFL team and Gabi was on his arm at the Brownlow Awards where sportsmen get medals and flash their WAGS. Gabi is flashing quite a lot of her own here including her panties, although we should at least give thanks for her wearing any, and the whole thing is downright offensive although particular opprobrium is reserved for the spiked gloves like Edward Scissorhands in drag and the hideous hosiery which appears to be on back to front.

To Milan Fashion Week where horror abounded. Take pointless socialite Hofit Golan wearing a Gina Bocconi cape and Billionaire sandals.

Hofit has forgotten her skirt and is using her handbag as a minge shield in consequence.  As for the footwear, WTF can only surmise that she injured herself falling off her Louboutins and is wearing leg braces.

And we have designer Jeremy Scott wearing a nonsensical suit of his own design.

Jeremy is not right on the money with this suit and serious objection is taken to the dangly chains on his bare chest. Not to mention the matching pumps.

MFW would not be complete without fashionista Anna dello Russo looking ridiculous and as ever she did not disappoint us. 

WTF has no idea what is going on here with the pink-and-white romper suit and the yellow silk propeller but she is more concerned by Anna’s alarming tan and her unfortunate resemblance to sun-bed-addict Patricia Krentcil, aka Tanning Mom.

Finally there is actress Rosario Dawson wearing Vionnet at the amFAR party.

Sadly, the lovely Rosario resembles a bundle of soiled bed linen hanging out of a washing machine. WTF is that porthole? Truly terrible. And worse, the dress is bloody ugly.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go is suggested by WTF aficionados Leslie Verrinder and Nick Jones who have taken serious exception to men carrying their handbags with a crooked arm – like Marc Jacobs here.

Leslie and Nick are certainly not homophobic and have the credentials to prove it but they are appalled by this habit which they find preposterous and drives them to distraction.  The only thing worse, they say, is when a little doggie peeps out of the bag. They want it to stop – now.

OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in, as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

Nothing restores you to good humour better than a Tory sex scandal and last weekend delivered in bucketfuls. Brooks Newmark, a balding millionaire who (in tabloid-speak) is 56 and a married dad-of-5, was caught out by a classic tabloid sting and had to resign as Minister for Civil Society after only 3 months in the job.  A freelance male undercover reporter used a picture of a pretty Swedish model and pretended to be 22-year old Tory Totty Sophie who tweeted a number of Tory MPs with flirty messages to see whether they were up for a bit of bit-flashing. Only Newmark went so far as to exchange WhatsApp messages culminating in his requesting and receiving saucy pictures of her. In return he first sent her a selfie of him in red and green paisley pyjamas (be still my beating heart) and then this ridiculous message “…you MUST swear on a stack of Bibles you won’t show pics as I promise not to show pics of you? OK?”  and finally a picture of the member of the Member for Braintree peeking out of the aforementioned jim-jams. The Sunday Mirror bought the story (two other tabloids turned it down) and Newmark became Nomark. As the fine old Yiddish expression has it, “Ven der schmeckl steht, der sechel geht“, roughly translated as “when your prick goes hard, common sense flies out of the window”.

It is clear that Nomark was an idiot, as he himself recognised. It is unseemly for the Minister for Civil Society to send pictures of his putz to anyone other than his wife, let alone to a young woman whom he has just met online. Whatever sort of civil society Nomark was supposed to be creating, his brief did not include the promotion of sharing dick-pics with strangers. Worse, Nomark assumed that she would keep silent with no basis for forming that view, even if “Sophie” was who she said she was, which she wasn’t.  He demonstrated a lack of judgment and he and his family have been humiliated. Worse still, the whole thing smacks of an abuse of power because he was obviously using his position to get into position with the lissom “Sophie” whom he took to be a young woman keen to forge a political career.   He was the one who kept demanding intimate snaps, not her and he was taking advantage. Admittedly, quite a few middle aged men might readily persuade themselves that a blonde hottie in her 20’s they had never met really wanted to see their winkle although it is notable that Nomark’s colleagues who were similarly targeted steered clear. But it is also true that Nomark was entrapped by the freelancer’s photos of someone’s face and someone else’s body selected randomly off the internet without their consent. The new Independent Press Standards Organisation is looking into the matter and rightly so. As for Nomark, he should stay away from the internet and disable his mobile phone. That is, if his wife hasn’t already shoved it somewhere painful.

To the fashion faux pas of the week starting with Amal Alamuddin wearing Gianbattista Valli on the day after her wedding to a certain George Clooney.

Yes she’s brilliant and lovely and everything but WTF feels compelled to make the following observations. First, this is a mullet dress and mullet dresses are bad. Second, although it is beautifully embroidered, it still looks like a lampshade. And third, not only is it unflattering but it is so short that it leaves onlookers in apprehension of an imminent Minge Moment. WTF included.

To Paris Week Week and fashionista Anya Ziourova wearing Céline.

 The hollow-faced Anya is dressed in  a curtain pelmet and oversized trewsies made from an old blanket. She needs new clothes and a large portion of cake.

Billionaire James Goldstein was at PFW again this year, still wearing St Laurent by Hedi Slimane. Here he is with  his companion, Belarussian model Ilona Guzarevich at the Maxime Simoens Show.

James was featured in this blog a year ago wearing the same jeans and he also sported them at New York Fashion Week so he is clearly getting his $2,000 worth. WTF does not like the proximity of those rips to his crotch. If he wanted to do a Brooks Nomark, he wouldn’t even need to unzip. He has matched the jeans with a St Laurent jacket (another $2,000) and accessorised with some lairy-looking loafers, a man bag, his trademark hat and Ilona. Last year WTF aficionado Belle commented of James,  “Quentin Crisps’s head on Steven Tyler’s body. There is not enough brain bleach in the world to cleanse that image from my mind. I shall probably have nightmares”. Wait until she cops a load of this picture…..

Talking of matchy-matchy, here is Kim Kardashian (wearing vintage Givenchy), husband Kanye West and daughter North West, aged 15 months, on their way to the Givenchy Show. 

Who takes a toddler to a fashion show? Kim is looking titsy, tawdry and trashy, so no change there but she is featured because of the way she has dressed little Nori. Call for Olivia Benson from SVU – Special Victims Unit! That child needs protection. The saintly Olivia would take one look at a distressed toddler dressed in peekaboo sheer chiffon and get a court order faster than you can say paedophiles’ wet dream. 

Former Vogue editor Carine Roitfeld threw her annual CR Book Party to mark the end of PFW. If you weren’t there, you were nobody but everyone who was there looked like a sack of shit. The dress code was tits, like Rosie Huntington-Whiteley here wearing Balmain.

This is what happens when you cross a wasp and a deckchair. Rosie looks as if she has been dissected from the crotch down and the effect is, to say the least, unnerving.

More appalling peekaboo from Miranda Kerr wearing Givenchy…

Quite apart from anything else, it is all so boringly, Minge-Momently the same. Change the record for Heavens’s sake.

Or take Cara Delevigne, also wearing Balmain. Sigh. Next!

Finally we have footballer  Mario Balotelli going clubbing in Manchester.

Mario reportedly took a 30% pay cut to join Liverpool FC from AC Milan and now has to scrimp by on £110,000 a week. The explanation for his going out on the town dressed like this must be that he has been moonlighting as a painter and decorator although he can still afford two iPhones. Everything here is an outrage, especially the shoes and unless you are a Freemason there is no possible excuse for rolling up your trouser legs. Pharrell Williams has a lot to answer for, and not just for Blurred Lines.

This week’s It’s Got To Go is the randomness of rail fares. How the hell do they work them out? Book an advance First Class Fare from, say, London to Newcastle, and it is £79. Turn up and take the same train and it is £207. Same seat. Same service. You could fly to New York for some of the fares the train companies have the effrontery to charge. Rail travel should be a public service and not a penance. Someone somewhere is taking the piss……

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. The comments and suggestions were a little sparse last week and you know how WTF goes into decline when this happens. Make her happy and click the Comment Button. Let us meet again next Friday and in the meantime, spread the WTF word to your friends, family, work colleagues and the man who delivers the milk. Be good.

Hallo Readers, 

Former Lord Chancellors of this Sceptred Isle include Thomas À Beckett, Cardinal Wolsey, Sir Thomas More, Lord Eldon, Lord Halsbury and Lord Haldane. And now we have non-lawyer Chris Grayling, a man who would have to double in significance even to attain mediocrity. Grayling wants to pull us out of the European Convention of Human Rights and the European Court of Human Rights and says he will repeal the Human Rights Act unless the Court assumes only an advisory role. His paper, released last Friday, has more holes than a Swiss Cheese. Our friends the Scots and the Northern Irish have enshrined links to the ECHR. It seems a rum state of affairs where Cameron runs around Caledonia like a headless chicken trying to keep the Union together only to threaten a further schism should the Tories win the election. And it might be nice if Cameron and Grayling told us which Human Rights they take exception to. Right to Life? Right to Privacy? Right to Family Life? Right to Freedom of Speech? Right to Freedom of Religion? They say they will enact a new Bill of Rights but which ones are they going to leave out? Which ones are they going to put in? And who is going to police it? If our Courts can only interpret our laws, what happens if our law contravenes the Convention?

The sad truth is that most people do not know the difference between the European Union, the Court of Justice for the European Union, the European Convention on Human Rights and the European Court of Human Rights. They have no more grasp of which Rights are set out in the Convention than they do of nuclear physics. The European Court of Human Rights protects basic rights in the Convention of which we are not only a signatory but largely the author. It has nothing to do with whether Romanians have the right to live in Clacton or the regulation size of a carrot. But Cameron, Grayling et.al. are so terrified of the beer-breath of Nigel Farage on their necks that they want to be seen to do something manly and patriotic. As for the idea of the Court being only advisory, this is a concept that could catch on. Next time you go to court and lose the case, thank the Judge nicely for his or her time and say that you value the advice but actually, they can stick the judgment where the sun don’t shine. This is what the Tories want to do in 2015. Don’t let them.

We move to the disastrous fashion faux-pas of the week, starting with the gruesome twosome of Simon Cowell and one of his many exes, one-hit-wonder Sinitta, welcoming the last six hopefuls in the X Factor Over-25 category to his LA home. During their final sing-off, Simon told Sinitta that most of them were shite (true) and he couldn’t remember one of them at all (rude), rather begging the question why he chose them in the first place. 

Sinitta’s role on these occasions is limited to greeting the guests half-naked so that Simon can react with mock-appalled-surprise (like he didn’t already know). The combination of the hair-kini, the hideous platform shoes and the Hiawatha headdress is as offensive as can be, although WTF’s chief concerns are the knees (Is it carpet burn? Just asking….). As for Simon, just look at the state of him.  Richer than Croesus and he goes on telly flashing his hairy moobs in a crumpled shirt and a pair of $10 jeans from the Walmart rummage basket.

Now we have chanteuse Eliza Doolittle (née Eliza Caird) parading around London with what the tabloids call a “mystery man”. Eliza is showing a lot of chest…..

What is going on here? This attire falls squarely into the category of “that’s not even clothes”. Wrapping your tits in ribbon, baring your belly-button and wearing jeans where the ratio of denim to flesh is roughly 50:50 does not equate to being dressed, even if you are wearing a teeny-tiny jacket. This hideous new trend of jackets without a top or with a top so small that it does not actually qualify as a top HAS TO END.

Here is Oscar-winner Jared Leto parading around New York also showing an awful lot of chest and looking like a twat.

Is side-boob on a man side-moob?  Whatever it is, it is a shocker. Why should citizens of New York have to put up with this as they go about their daily business? It is more than time that celebs started covering up. Thank Gawd it is nearly winter…….

WTF has raged like Job against the horrors of the see-through skirt, but still it keeps coming right at us. This one, though, as worn by Rita Ora, is the absolute nadir.

So here is a birdcage worn as a skirt with black knickers and a white shirt tucked into the birdcage.  There is as much use in tucking a shirt into a see -through skirt as, to quote a disgruntled caller to a radio phone-in on Ed Miliband, a boil on the scrotum. I mean, look at this. It is simply a nonsense.

As for Rita, the bird appears to have flown and died on her head…..

This is American country singer Kelly Willis at a red-carpet thing in Berlin wearing something terribly, terribly terrible.

Kelly has four kids so one can understand her desire to show off her abs but we are also getting an eyeful of her belly button, her hipbones and everything in-between. That would be bad enough, but to flash the flesh AND wear a geometric, patchwork pantsuit with trompe l’oeil Hollywood Wax and a cape like the love child of Don Juan and the Pied Piper is just not on.

Finally, we have wonderful Anna Gunn from Breaking Bad wearing the most horrible creation by Marchesa. This is the front….

The skirt is pretty, but the shirt and ill-fitting jacket combo makes her look like Manuel in Fawlty Towers.

The view from the side demonstrates why it doesn’t fit….

It’s got no sides! It’s got no back! From this angle she looks as if she is being molested by Manuel. It could not be any more terrible. And the same goes for those orange legs…. it is time for Anna’s stylist to receive a slap, a P45 and then another slap. 

This week’s It’s Got To Go is suggested by WTF aficionado Nicola from West London who takes issue with people wearing backpacks on the Tube.  It is bad enough that you are squeezed into a rush hour train with your nose pressed into someone’s whiffy armpit whilst forced to listen to someone else’s horrible music choices thumping tinnily into your ear without having to suffer a rucksack occupying two standing-spaces. It is even more dangerous when you are sitting down with your face no more than three inches from a stranger’s rectal area, only to be struck in the eye by the aforesaid rucksack or clouted round the head as the  owner picks it up and swings it about like King Kong astride the Empire State Building. They’ve got to go – or at least be the subject of a separate fare. In a separate carriage.

OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in (there was a goodly crop last week which made WTF was very happy) and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next week. Be good.

Hallo Readers,

This week a man was sent to prison for killing his girlfriend. His family was shocked and angry. Friends and family of the deceased felt vindicated. Yes, poor Peter Barlow off Coronation Street went down for the murder of barmaid Tina and is now doing life despite the fact that the killer was his brother-in-law, the shifty-eyed Rob, who is also about to become a double-brother-in-law by marrying Peter’s step-sister Tracy (who herself did time for murder). But I digress. It became increasingly difficult to distinguish between the Oscar Pistorius trial in Pretoria and the Peter Barlow trial in Manchester. Both had brooding, troubled defendants dressed in black who wept, wailed and threw up and a beautiful dead victim and lawyers so hammy that you’d think they would struggle to get a role in the Market Snodsbury Christmas Panto. The Judge delivered both the Pistorius verdict and the sentence with such dramatic, lengthy pauses that one was reminded of Dermot O’Leary informing X Factor finalists which of them has got the heave-ho. It was no advert for televising criminal trials, not least when you couldn’t see the facial expressions of most of the witnesses, like Law and Order Pretoria but on sound only.

It seems we have all become experts on the South African Penal Code and after the sentence everyone had their say. There was the insufferable Uncle, Arnold Pistorius, who banged on about the trauma of the accused and railed at the prosecution for daring to charge a man with premeditated murder when all he had done was to fail to notice that his girlfriend was not in bed with him and shot not one, not two, not three but four bullets into the door of a locked toilet cubicle with no escape possible for whoever was behind it. There were the sportswriters and athletes who instantly started speculating on when and if Pistorius could return to the track. There were the reporters screaming questions at Reeva’s family as they left the courtroom. The whole thing was hugely unedifying. In the end, a young woman was shot dead by her boyfriend, a man known to have a nasty temper and a predilection for guns. The evidence of neighbours who heard her screams before the gunshots was dismissed in a televised trial because they might have been influenced by the publicity surrounding the trial. The Judge bottled it.  Oscar may not be going to the 2016 Rio Olympics but Reeva will not be going anywhere, ever. Her life was worth a damn sight more than a pathetic 10 months in a prison hospital and then house arrest in some comfortable suburban villa with swimming pool and gymnasium. The whole thing was a circus from beginning to end. We need to remember that this was not an actress who is alive and well and always in the tabloids. This was a real woman who died on St Valentine’s night in a hail of bullets behind a toilet door.

We turn to the week’s sartorial shit-pile. WTF is battle-hardened when it comes to bad fashion but this week is as bad as she can remember. What happened to the concept of dignity? Is this what the Women’s Movement has achieved? We start with the Angel Ball in New York where we come across model and professionally-wronged wife Liberty Ross wearing vintage Versace.

WTF is bemused. And then she is bemused some more. As she remarked on @WTF_EEK, she had heard of a waist belt and a hip belt but never of an arse belt. Either that or Liberty is wearing a leather incontinence pad.

Then there was Jennifer Hudson who cannot stop showing us how she lost 80lbs four years ago.

We get it love. You’re thinner. That doesn’t mean we need to see your push-up bra and your stockinged thigh in what looks like a silk dressing gown. Now stop it.

Mel B was in last week but there is no way that this effort can be ignored. Here she is on the X Factor Results Show on Sunday wearing Alessandra Rich.

WTF suspects that Simon Cowell tricked Mel into wearing this as revenge for the previous night when she suggested that one of his acts was “cheating” at which Simon was in great indignation. But not as indignant as WTF is at the elongated tit window displaying a manky bra and the hideous skirt like a minge moment apron over lace, yours for only £1,285.

Next we have singer Tinashe at the launch of her new album.

Tits. Hipbones. Leather joggers. Fuck-me shoes. Visible blue panties (at least, I hope they’re panties) under a leotard. The whole nine yards…

It isn’t really clothes but you can’t leave this one out. Baggage Katie Price launched her new novel (written of course by someone else) dressed like this.

WTF can’t bear it. Katie, please Make My Wish Come True. Bugger off.

And here is singer K Michelle at the MOBO Awards in London.

Oh dear. Oh very dear. Are those her knickers showing? Her butt certainly is. Is that a valance around her knees? Hideous, just hideous.

These next three dresses, not that they are dresses, are repulsive. First we have Clint Eastwood’s 21 year daughter and budding thespian, Francesca Eastwood at the Environmental Media Awards 2014. No, WTF doesn’t know what she was doing there either.

Dah dah, dah dah!!!! Minge Moment alert! Pubes on show to get noticed! Dah dah, dah dah! This is the fate of celebrity daughters whose parents outstrip them in fame. Look at Rumer Willis. Clint should ride into town, cheroot clamped to his lips, and sort this one out.

And then we have actress Naomi Grossman from the TV series American Horror Story wearing Natalia Fedner.

American Horror Story are les mots justes. Dah dah, dah dah, Minge-and Arse-Moment alert! The dress is dog-ugly and appears to be composed of coconut matting tacked onto sheer chiffon. It is reminiscent of the effort worn by designer Nadine Merabi which ran away with the 2013 WTF Summer Stinker Award.

And then we have serial offender Maitland Ward in this hideous leather item by soi-disant high-end designer J. Loren for Adolfo Sanchez. Rear end, more like. Ready? You won’t be….

It’s a Minge Waterfall. Yes, folds are cascading from her minge like Victoria Falls. It is all visible – tits, groin, everything. And the back view is also deplorable.

Top marks to WTF aficionado Kathryn who described the hole at the seam as a  “fart flap”. As for J. Loren, he should have his pencil, pad and scissors confiscated until he promises to stop designing these overpriced flash-fests.

This week’s It’s To Go is courtesy of WTF aficionado Leslie of Lisson Grove who has taken umbrage at the nonsensical presence of Christmas fare (or should that be Christmas Fayre?) in supermarkets although it is only October. 

Leslie points out that we have just had Diwali and have yet to get through Halloween, Guy Fawkes’ Night and Chanukah before we even think about Christmas and yet supermarket shelves are crammed to the gills with all manner of Yuletide rubbish. It’s Got To Go.

They are all so bad  this week that we need a poll. Get voting!!!!

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep your excellent comments coming in and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

This week Sir Nicholas Winton, an astonishing 105 years old and still sharp as a tack, was honoured by the Czech Government for his work 76 years ago when he saved 669 Jewish children by arranging their safe transport out of Czechoslovakia and away from the gas chambers that consumed their parents and grandparents. At that stage, Britain was the only country willing to admit unaccompanied minors.  Sir Nicholas makes you feel humble and also proud to be a member of the same human race.  By coincidence, this week also saw an announcement sneaked in under the public radar by the Minister of State in the Foreign Office, Baroness Anelay, a person of whose existence WTF and probably anyone else was previously unaware, by way of a Parliamentary written answer. Her Ladyship informed us that Her Majesty’s Government no longer intended to contribute towards the air and sea rescue of refugees in unseaworthy vessels. She said “We do not support planned search and rescue operations in the Mediterranean. We believe that they create an unintended ‘pull factor’, encouraging more migrants to attempt the dangerous sea crossing and thereby leading to more tragic and unnecessary deaths”. The migration policy of Her Majesty’s Government appears to be reduced to two words – Fuck ‘em. A similar policy has been advanced by the Australian Foreign Minister Scott Morrison. He ignored the advice of his own department in refusing visas for refugees. The High Court ruled against him and so he developed an alternative strategy, namely to use some obscure public interest section in the Migration Act to deny them visas. That too is under challenge in the High Court.

WTF is descended on both sides from refugees. Her paternal grand-parents came to Britain from Poland to escape the pogroms. Her mother and grandmother got out of what is now Moldova by the skin of their teeth and were lucky enough to find safety from the Nazis and their pals, the Iron Guard. Friends of my mother and grandmother were lying dead in the street which they witnessed as they left the cellars where they had been in hiding for a week. (The night before their boat was due to leave for Istanbul, there was an earthquake and my mother also witnessed an apartment block collapse. And yet she was the sunniest, life-embracing woman WTF has ever met).  Many of those whom they left behind were either murdered or tried to sail to freedom and sank in unseaworthy vessels. So, Readers, you will readily understand that WTF is unsympathetic to the Fuck ‘em school of migration policy. It is one thing to have an immigration policy. It is quite another to watch people drown in order to teach them a lesson. Sir Nicholas reminds us that there was and is decency in the world. It is just a pity that it doesn’t seem to have found a home in either Canberra or Westminster.

Let us start the sartorial roll of shame with actor Alan Cumming at the Elton John Foundation – Enduring Vision Gala in New York.

Alan loves his native Scotland so much that he has just applied for US citizenship. He looks like a Caledonian circus clown minus the curly ginger wig. Were you standing next to him, you would be in fear of being squirted in the eye by his water-pistol bow tie. And WTF are those boots? Is he romping through the frozen tundra back to his Manhattan apartment?

Next we have Kate Moss out of the razz at Annabel’s in her pyjamas.

Let us begin with her right leg which is at a most peculiar angle as if someone has half twisted it off. Let us then progress to the creased high-waisted satin jim-jams worn with a black polo neck and a pink feather boa that even Dame Barbara Cartland would have scorned. Just terribly, terribly terrible.

We meet couturier Jean-Paul Gaultier wearing his own creation. 

He has worn skirts before but now he is wearing maxis. Creased ones. It just makes you weep….

Next up, a real treat for you. Meet Vogue Contributing Fashion Editor Lynn Yaeger looking, as she normally does, utterly bizarre.

What is that mouth? Like a Russian doll….

And what  is she wearing? The velvet dressing gown is rather fabulous but the frilled black sparklefest is like something you would see on the Dowager Duchess of Grantham at the Downton Abbey Servants’ Ball. Only she would not have worn hers with footless leggings and jazz shoes.

Last week, super-strumpet Maitland Ward shocked and appalled us with her revolting leather see-through dress with Minge Waterfall and built-in fart  flap. Ever mindful of her responsibilities to her Readers’ health and safety, WTF then spared you the other dress she wore ON THE SAME NIGHT also by J. Loren for Adolfo Sanchez.  The Governor of California should be seeking some sort of injunctive relief as a matter of emergency. Here’s the “front”, if that is the word WTF is looking for, which it isn’t.

This amounts to no more than a series of triangular bit-covers. And here is the rear, which is DEFINITELY the word WTF is looking for.

One hesitates to comment on the dark red outline, like a monkey’s buttocks, but WTF is never one to hesitate for long. What is it?  Whatever it is, it should not be on display. 

And now a triumvirate of Designer Disgustingness from the amFAR Inspiration Gala in New York. It is of course laudable that celebs do their bit to assist in the fight against AIDS. It is just not clear why they have to strip near-naked in order to do it. And whatever they may be inspiring, they are not inspiring young women to dress with self-respect. First we have super-model Alessandra Ambrosio in Zuhair Murad. Watch out when you click the link – Brazilian samba music comes right out at you….

Dad dah, dah dah! Minge Moment alert! The dress is scaly. And horrible. And worse still – the nip-tips! Or pasties as our American friends call them….

After making AIDS history, can we make sheer history? Please?

Then we have Rihanna dressed as a two bit tart wearing Tom Ford. Tom Ford!

Rihana dressed as a two-bit tart is nothing new. Indeed, it is the norm. But Tom Ford!!!! The man who used to be the by-word for class. As Mark Antony remarked in Julius Caesar, Oh what a fall there was, my countrymen…

And then there is Miley Cyrus dressed as an S&M princess. Also wearing Tom Ford.

Many months back, WTF warned that Tom Ford was on the Julien Macdonald Way to Wankiness.  She rests her case. 

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes at the suggestion of WTF aficionados Stephen and Helen of Potters Bar as well as Yvonne Ridley, all of whom are outraged and then some by the umpteenth return to Coronation Street of Jim MacDonald played by Charlie Lawson, so he is.  Although he might have left again, so he might.

Jim, who comes from Northern Ireland, so he does, finishes every sentence with some faux-Irish exclamation.  Charlie Lawson is, by some distance, the worst actor on television, so he is. The producers should stop bringing him back, so they should, before WTF, Stephen, Helen, Yvonne and many others turn off Corrie for good.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep your excellent comments coming in, as WTF does enjoy them, as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

When you apply to join the Civil Service (subsidised lunches plus a Knighthood or a Damehood if you hang around long enough – and why would you go anywhere else with that fuck-off, index-linked pension awaiting you?), you have to answer questions designed to test your sneakiness and your ability to rescue ministers from the dungheap in which they inevitably find themselves. Like this one. The Home Office is in a pickle. It has been lumbered with an unwanted enquiry into the failure of public bodies and institutions to act on child abuse over the past 30 years. Various Tory grandees from the 1980s have been accused, correctly or otherwise, of either involvement in paedophile activities or covering them up. There is sympathy for those poor kiddies who were sexually abused by eminent members of the Establishment turning up in their Rolls Royces but it would be better not to have the Enquiry so how can it be delayed whilst looking as if it is full steam ahead? Here is WTF’s idea.

First, the role of the former Attorney General, Sir Michael Havers, will be under scrutiny for failing to act on serious allegations so why not appoint his sister Lady Butler-Sloss to Chair the Enquiry? You can always claim that you did not know she was his sister as they have different names. She is a former member of the Court of Appeal, an expert in children’s matters and someone without a stain on her character but she is consanguineous and therefore she could never be perceived as neutral. The row drags on for a while before she steps down. You then come up with Fiona Woolf, the Lord Mayor of London, Ambassador for City of London Business and a former President of the Law Society. Mrs Woolf is a neighbour of the former Tory Home Secretary Leon Brittan, another one whose actions will be scrutinised because he was handed a dossier naming names but it then “got lost”, you know, the way these things do. And not only is she a neighbour of the Brittans,  she has dined with them and they with her. And not only has she dined with them and they with her but the Home Office helped her draft and redraft a letter which failed to make the dining arrangements clear. This wastes even more time until she too is forced to resign. So you get to November with Christmas muzak tinkling in the shops and another ballsachingly sickly, soupy, soapy John Lewis TV ad and there is still no Chair for the Enquiry despite it being set up in July. The Home Secretary has now promised to consult what Mrs Woolf nauseatingly described as “the victim community” before wheeling out the next Chair. Does Jimmy Savile have any relatives in the legal profession? Or can we delay matters further by having an Enquiry into the Enquiry?

To the week’s sartorial horrorshow starting with ubiquitous but talentless Cheryl Fernandez-Versini, formerly Cheryl Cole, née Tweedy, on the set of The X Factor wearing Ziad Nakad.

WTF can forgive the ironed Morticia hair because it was a Halloween Special (although the purported “singing” was so bad last weekend that extraneous horror was superfluous) but the makeup is wholly unforgivable and the dress is less Ziad Nakad and more half Nakad. What is the point of wearing a dark blue Minge Moment dress with a cheap-looking, crinkled white half-slip like something you would find in BHS for £4? Either you go at this thing full-throttle or not at all. Preferably the latter…..

Then we have our old friend Madonna wearing Givenchy.

Those boots aren’t made for walking….in fact, Madge needed three little helpers just to get them on. And for what? They are beyond hideous. We have saloon-girl chic, arms like a weightlifter, nipples on display like a couple of ripe raspberries and a face (at 56) as smooth as a billiard ball and twice as shiny. Dear Lord. It is time for Madge to stay indoors. Please make it happen.

Next meet actress and model China Chow wearing a ridiculous dress by Moschino designed by WTF bête noire Jeremy Scott.

This is taking the expression “looks good enough to eat” too literally. It is silly. Perhaps Jeremy’s natural progression would be to create a dress based on the Andrex wrapping paper.

To the Harper’s Bazaar Women of the Year event and the lovely Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley wearing Balmain.

This is less offensive than the bondage thing by Tom Ford worn by serial-offender Miley Cyrus last week but also more offensive in that (i) Rosie is a lot classier than Miley (ii) that choke-chain collar is just worrying and (iii) WTF hates a see-through trouser almost above all things. By the way, Readers, last week WTF told you that Tom Ford had strayed down the Julien Macdonald Way to Wankiness and this week confirmed it when WTF learnt that Tom had written a love letter to Rihanna’s nipples. Just saying….

And now the first in a new feature, although familiar to those following @WTF_EEK, called The Perils of Plastic Surgery. If you are eating, stop now and send small children out of the room. Here is Donatella Versace.

This is just so wrong. Donatella is 59 years old and looks like a gargoyle. WTF referred to Madonna’s shiny visage a few snaps back but Donatella’s face is not so much shiny as polished to the extent that you could use it as a mirror. Why do women do this to themselves? It is self-harming and it is sad.

Shockingness abounded at the Melbourne Gold Cup held on Tuesday, where the theme appeared to be Fancy Dress (Freak Show). If this is the crème de la crème of Australian society, Heaven help Australia.  Here are some of the silliest people you have ever seen in this blog, starting with preposterous milliner to the stars Richard Nylon. And no, he is not standing in front of a sunburst clock, that is part of the hat.

OMG, OMG, OMG. That is all…..

And another lunatic in the shape of designer Matcho Suba.

Ummmmmmmm…he is wearing a suit made out of wallpaper and a Kaiser Wilhelm helmet made out of netting. This, Readers, is what passes for high fashion in Melbourne society….

And finally, because who could take much more of these people, we have model and celebrity Gabi Grecko, whom we met a few weeks ago, (25) accompanied by her fiancé, iffy billionaire Geoffrey Edelsten (71).

WTF is unsure which is worse – Gabi dressed as a burlesque raptor blow-up doll or Geoffrey dressed as a satin banana. Meanwhile Geoffrey’s hair is as improbable as anything WTF has ever seen, ever. 

Talking of Christmas, as we were earlier, this week’s It’s Got to Go comes courtesy of Emma from leafy North London who is yet again dreading the inevitable onslaught of shit, namely the yuletide presents from her in-laws. Emma asks (and WTF is with her here) why it is not socially acceptable simply to say “I don’t want any more crap tat from you, thank you very much, save your money”. Last year she got two balls of wool and a diet cookbook. Enough said. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There was veritable cornucopia of comments from you last week, so keep them coming as well as your suggestions for It’s Got to Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers, 

WTF had never heard of Dapper Laughs, the cockney geezer alter ego of “comedian” Daniel O’Reilly until she received a tweet last Monday from WTF aficionado Annette Lewis demanding that Dapper must feature in It’s Got to Go. On investigation, it emerged that Dapper’s patter consisted of gags such as “I’m holding a knife – lift up your fucking skirt” and “get out your gash” and “it’s only sexual harassment if she’s more attractive than you”.  Not to mention the side-splitting line “get some duct tape and rape the bitch”.  It is perhaps unsurprising that Daniel thought himself funny, given that Daniel père tweeted of a woman journalist who criticised his son that a mugger had told her “your [sic] to [sic] ugly to be raped”. The apple does not fall far from the tree. Other Dapper supporters deluged the woman with abuse, calling her “a fucking slag” and advising her to get back to “whore island, you ugly c**t”. Nice. A man is known by the company he keeps and the audience to whom he appeals….

Dapper shot to fame through social media and social media did for him almost as fast. Only 24 hours after he came into WTF’s life, a Twitter backlash had finished him off. ITV2 pulled his new show and his forthcoming tour was cancelled. Daniel announced that he had killed off Dapper in the same way as Jack Worthing condemned his imaginary younger brother to death by influenza in The Importance of Being Earnest and appeared on Newsnight to be savaged by presenter Emily Maitlis where he opted for a confusing line of defence, simultaneously admitting some of his gags had gone too far, snivelling that he was satirising misogyny, not endorsing it and portraying himself as having fallen foul of an over-censorious age. “Oh, so you’re the victim are you?” queried Emily icily. Daniel squirmed. It was like watching a bully brought up short by a much bigger boy who was about to kick the shit out of him and all the more enjoyable for it.

Here is WTF’s take on the late Mr Laughs. He was not only as funny as a bad dose of shingles but he was all about trying to making rape and violence against women funny. And they are not, never were and never will be funny. His loathsome alter ego encouraged brainless, sexist louts to laugh at the idea that women deserved no respect and were there to be slapped about, groped or screwed, with or without their consent.  Daniel told Emily that Dapper had appealed “to a certain demographic”. Yes – to unpleasant morons.

To the many and various sartorial shockers of the week, starting with actress Kym Marsh off Corrie. What you are about to see is the unique look that is Soap Star Style. 

More orange than a warehouse-full of Christmas clementines. Makeup applied with a trowel. (Fake) tittage on display. Foot blotch. Tattoos. Is this really what women aspire to look like in Britain today? 

The MTV EMAs were surprisingly well dressed, much to WTF’s disappointment, but there is always a bad’un and here is show-off Scottish singer Tallia Storm wearing I know not what.

Sigh. That hair is beyond comprehension, as if she has stuck her fingers into the mains. The outfit is awful. This girl just makes you want to grind your teeth to powder.

Here is Karolina Kurkova at the German GQ Awards wearing Toni Maticevski with Guiseppe Zanotti sandals.

Melbourne-based Toni has squished Karolina’s chest behind a mesh tit-window and coupled that outrage with a mesh Minge Moment. This dress proves WTF’s Golden Rule, namely if it looks shit on a supermodel then it probably is. The sandals, however, are good.

Ghastly socialite Hofit Golan exists for no obvious purpose other than to flash her bits in public and here is she at the premiere of the latest Hunger Games wearing – well, who else could it have been – WTF bugbear Julien Macdonald.

See-through. Nipples. Cut-out. Peekaboo. Yawn. Next!

There was a gala for Louis Vuitton at the Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art last Friday where a lot of fashionable folk turned up wearing the eponymous label and looking absurd. How can people pay so much to look so bad? We start our review of overpriced designed tat with Contributing Vogue editor André Leon Talley.

André looks like an extra from Game of Thrones. Why is he going out and about dressed like this? And what the hell is that around his neck?

And then there was New York-based architect Peter Marino, responsible for designing, inter alia, many high-end fashion stores.

There is no possible excuse for dressing like this unless you are part of a Village People tribute act and especially if you are 62 and straight. That is all there is to be said about Peter Marino’s outfit. Next!

Also there looking daft, although rather sweet, was singer and music producer Will.i.am.

Readers may wonder why, as WTF aficionado @sumarumi sagaciously enquired, Will is wearing a Bill and Ben flowerpot hat. For those of you under 50, Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men were part of the BBC’s afternoon entertainment for children in a more innocent age. The one in the middle is their friend Little Weed.

WTF is also bewitched, bothered and bewildered by Will’s trousers like lacy plus-fours and which make no sense, not even of any kind.

Now to singer Aubrey O’Day, a member of re-formed girl group Danity Kane, wearing Just Enaj (that is the name of the designer and not WTF’s view on the adequacy of the cover provided by her “dress”).

Quite apart from the hideous vulgarity of the dress (her tits are way too big for this style, not that style is remotely the mot juste), the flesh-toned panel is pale beige and her flesh is the colour of paprika. As for her makeup artist, s/he should be sacked on the spot.

WTF has seen some bad camel toe in her time but this one, on Khloe Kardashian, is about as bad as can be, and then some. Careful now……

Ouch! This falls squarely into the category of Call for the Canesten. Wearing trousers this tight should be a public order offence. The booties are, of course, Christian Louboutin worn with a matchy-matchy belt and there is a lot of globular tittage. It is of course unsurprising that those jeans are so snug with her ridiculous fake bottom…

This week’s It’s Got To Go was suggested by WTF aficionado Kate who points out that most Ugg boots are not outdoor wear and are not designed to be worn in slippery conditions which is why so many people fall arse over tit and clog up the Accident & Emergency Wards of our over-worked, under-funded NHS. They are also not supposed to get wet because then they get smelly. By all means keep your tootsies warm but either buy Uggs with proper outdoor soles and ankle support or keep them for padding around the house.

OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. Loads of comments came in last week which made WTF very happy and there were some top suggestions for It’s Got to Go, so more of the same please and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

On his release 5 weeks ago, WTF expressed the view that although Ched Evans was, on any view, a scumbag, he should on balance be allowed to return to his job playing football for Sheffield United after serving half his sentence for rape. Since then, Evans, Sheffield United and some of Evans’ supporters tested WTF’s view to the limit. And now it doesn’t matter because the Club announced last night that it has severed all ties with Evans and that he could no longer train with the squad. Here are WTF’s thoughts….

♦ Evans is still a convicted rapist despite his protestations of innocence. He was originally refused permission to appeal and as yet has not even been granted a further appeal. But days after his release, there he was with his gormless girlfriend by his side whilst he apologised for “being unfaithful” to her. Which was as offensive as it was stupid. 

♦ United should either have immediately announced that it was in favour of rehabilitation and was offering Evans a contract or that it wouldn’t touch him with a bargepole.  It did neither, trod water and made the situation harder for everyone, including itself. Either shit or get off the pot. Don’t wait for your patrons and sponsors to squeeze it out for you.

♦When Olympian Jessica Ennis-Hill said she wanted her name removed from the stand named in her honour, Evans’ website, run by his family, featured a mock picture of “The Ched Evans Stand” and the headline “Jessica Who?”  She is a national heroine and a sporting icon – that’s who. 

♦ Not all United supporters wanted him back, whilst others believed that he was wrongly convicted of rape or that he had done his time and deserved another chance. But others supported Evans just because he had worn the Club’s red and white jersey and because his goals could get United back into the top flight. And so they named the victim (again) on Twitter and Facebook, chanted “He Scores When He Wants” and “He Rapes When he Wants” and abused any woman objecting to their club employing a rapist, the usual litany of rape threats and comments like “she should keep her mouth shut” as if women should know better than to have an opinion, let alone to voice it. WTF does not agree with all the women’s views but they are certainly entitled to express them.

So Evans is unemployed and will play the victim, the gormless girlfriend will still stick to him like shit to a blanket, her millionaire dad will foot the legal bills and the Evans family will continue with their not-quite-accurate website, blaming the victim and casting aspersions upon her conduct and lifestyle. It has been a truly unedifying spectacle. 

Let us now turn to the week’s sartorial sluice bucket. No men today, after a goodly showing in the last few weeks but some dismally dressed women, starting with Beyoncé’s sister Solange Knowles (or Solangé as WTF likes to call her, why should one sister have an acute and not the other?) wearing Stéphane Rolland on the way to get married. (She changed into a rather lovely gown for the ceremony).

Gosh, there is plenty of tit on display here and also plenty of back…

But there is also plenty of hem, in fact the worst-looking hems WTF has ever seen. WTF has taken against the whole outfit, whether for a wedding or otherwise.

This is Meghan Trainor, singer of the absurdly catchy mega-hit, All About The Bass. Click on the link and have a singalong.

WTF does not know what that dress is. But she does know that it is horrible.

Hurrah, she’s back! Readers’ favourite Nancy dell’Olio stepped out at the Spectator Magazine Cigar Awards (yes really).

On seeing this snap, WTF aficionado Ellie Cumbo, asked “is this really this decade?” The answer is no because Nancy has favoured this low-cut, arse-hugging, cameltoe-showing, too-long-trouser style since at least 2002 when she wore a similar garment to 10 Downing Street as the consort of the then England manager, overpaid prat Sven Goran Ericsson. And it was old fashioned in 2002. She is blending into the walls here but sadly we can still see her.

Next up is actress Keke Palmer wearing not a lot of ICB with gorgeous Sergio Rossi boots.

Keke is currently appearing on Broadway but dressed like this she looks as if she walking it. 

No, Keke, just no. We do not want to see your pierced nipples. Or your bra.

We continue our series of Soap Star Style with Holly Hagan, the rough-as-a-bear’s-arse “star” of the shagathon “reality” TV series Geordie Shore. Here she is modelling from her own range.

Holly tells us that she designed this range for normal girls to wear. If this is normal, we have gone to hell in a handcart. Skin the colour of an old teabag. Tits on show the size of footballs. Hair that started life on something or somebody else. A vile neon onesie. Fuck-Me Shoes. Stop The World, I Want to Get Off.

This one really is a fashion disaster. Here is actress Kristen Stewart wearing Chanel Couture, for whom she is a muse.  She looked great in a strapless dress with mesh overlay and the skirt is really pretty.

 And then this happened…

Couture means made to measure by hand but Chanel’s tape measure must have been faulty because the bodice is cut so low that it slipped down whilst Kristen was on stage presenting an award, exposing her nipples which is why she looks so mortified. Sack the seamstress!

Just after WTF swore to various correspondents that Kim Kardashian really was banned from the blog, WTF aficionado @gazaboatconvoy and others rightly insisted on the inclusion of this picture. Here is Kim at the launch of her new fragrance Fleur Fatale wearing latex designer Atsuko Kudo.

The back is also preposterous.

Kim has stopped dressing as a blow-up sex doll and has now turned herself into a blow-up sex doll. Frankly, it is hard to see where the latex ends and Kim begins and she would be well advised to stand away from naked flames and sharp objects or she will simply go pop…..

This week’s It’s Got To Go can be briefly stated. The  good news is that the Indonesian Police Force allows women recruits. The bad news is that they have to take a virginity test in which two fingers are inserted into their vagina to see whether their hymen is intact.  Why being a virgin makes you a better police officer, WTF cannot say. Are male recruits interrogated on whether they’ve had some? It’s Got To Go. 

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There were some top comments and suggestions for It’s Got To Go and WTF is greedy and wants some more. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers, 

Many years ago WTF’s parents were on holiday in Paris. Walking through the Bois de Boulogne, they passed a bench with a tramp snoozing on it, whereupon a gendarme appeared, unceremoniously shooed him away, turned to them and said apologetically “Toutes mes excuses, Madame, Monsieur, ce type là n’est pas de notre categorie”. The phrase came to mind this week when two MPs, one Labour and one Tory, came to grief. On bye-election day with UKIP poised to win the seat of Rochester & Strood, Shadow Attorney-General Emily Thornberry, the wife of a High Court Judge, tweeted a photo of an ordinary house bedecked with England flags and a white van parked in the drive. The tweet simply said “Image from Rochester” but the meaning was clear. It meant “UKIP-voting chav”. WTF might have had some respect for Emily had she come clean and admitted it but she tried to blag her way out, embarrassing herself by claiming the photo was because she’d “never seen so many flags on one house”. Within hours, she had taken Ed Milliband’s proffered revolver, shot herself in both feet and slunk back to her £3m Islington townhouse, career flushed down the toilet. You cannot claim to represent the working man (in this case, 18-stone, Tory-voting, car-dealing cage-fighter Dan Ware) whilst sneering at him in public, particularly when you have a property portfolio worth £5m. It is not just patronising, it is stupid. Thornberry was luckily out the next day when Ware came to call, accompanied by The Sun, staging a photocall on her doorstep and waving his flag. 

Andrew Mitchell’s career went down the toilet 2 years ago. Attempts since then to retrieve it from the bowl have proved unsuccessful and it finally disappeared round the bend yesterday when a High Court Judge (not Thornberry’s husband) ruled that he had indeed called PC Toby Rowland “a fucking pleb” and said “know your fucking place…you don’t run the fucking Government”. And why? Because the roly-poly copper had refused to let Mitchell and his bike through a Downing Street gate. Some might think that Mr Justice Mittings’s conclusion that PC Rowland had neither the wit nor the imagination as well as the inclination  to invent the use of the word “pleb” was more patronising than anything Mitchell said but when you wear a wig you can get away with all sorts.  It is never a good idea to swear at coppers because the police tend to take it badly and exact revenge. And it is always a bad idea to take libel proceedings because it is like taking a bucket, drilling a hole in the bottom and pouring your life savings into it. Mitchell has been left with a £2m+ bill which is lot of money to pay for egg on your face and your career in ruins. 

When trade union boss Bob Crow died suddenly, WTF wrote that “he didn’t want to keep quiet and know his place because he didn’t believe anyone had the right to tell him or his members what their place was”.  The time when the Great British prole doffed their cap to their betters has long gone. You might get away with rudeness but you will not get away with snobbery, especially if you are meant to be a representative of the very people you’re being snobbish about. Meanwhile, WTF would pay good money to see a tag-team cage fight between Thornberry and Mitchell against Rowland and Ware. They can donate the ticket money to Band Aid 30.

We turn to the week’s sartorial slurry pit and it is really, really BAD. We seem to have reached the stage where people are going about in public virtually naked. However, we begin with actress and children’s author, Evangeline Lilly who, although she looks terrible, is at least covered up.

Evangeline has been out on a picnic and then wrapped the tablecloth around her like a crinoline to save her carrying it home. She probably has the picnic basket under there as well. Disapprobation must also be expressed at her swirly chest and her unspeakable boots.

The Latin Grammy Awards were a nightmare, a taste-free zone for men and women. Here is singer J Balvin wearing a lot of red. (But he can sing – click the link).

No one over 12 should wear those trainer thingies which are also making his trousers bunch around the tops and why would a man want to look like a vinyl paint splat?

We now meet singer Violeta Martin.

Quite apart from the amount of tittage on display, the dress is unflattering and whilst the colour is gorgeous, the scaly fabric makes her look like a disembowelled tropical fish  – she even has the air bubbles on the skirt. Is that a dog collar around her neck? Next!  

Well perhaps not, because next is singer Laura Aleman.

This is a wretched combination of cheap lace and cheaper ribbon leaving aghast onlookers in fear of an imminent Minge Moment and what has happened to the top part of the dress? It seems to have been ripped off in a fight.

Finally from this group we have actress Roselyn Sánchez wearing Ecliptica. Ecliptica design wedding dresses, apparently. For whom? Nudists?

This isn’t a dress, this is an upside-down, embroidered, Christmas hold-up support stocking. Her nipples are covered but her panties and everything else are all too visible. Shocking.

The American Music Awards usually bring rich pickings and this year was no exception. We start with handsome young actor Ansel Elgort wearing Kent & Curwen with Prada shoes.

Ansel is wearing the jacket he wore as a pubescent busboy at the golf club and he seems to have shat his trousers which are also a tad snug. Memo to Ansel. It is time for a new wardrobe – and an iron. The shoes can stay.

And here is model, Heidi Klum wearing Versace. What she has to do with the price of fish, WTF cannot say.

Versace has put Heidi in a swim suit and sarong and then gift wrapped her in shimmering pink ribbon. But do we want her? The shoes are also ghastly and do not fit. Look! Her toes are hanging out…..

But the AMAs booby prize, in every sense of the word, goes to Albanian-born TV personality and singer Bleona Gereti wearing Shahla Doriz. Shahla also designs wedding dresses. For whom? Fetishists? 

And the rear (and rear is the word) is even worse….

Bleona, aka the Madonna of Albania, has a new single out called Fuck You, I’m Famous. Her poor parents are so mortified by this apparel that they are barricaded inside their home refusing to come out and with good reason. “How’s your daughter Mrs Qereti?” “Oh she’s fine, she went to the AMAs with her arse out”.  Memo to Shahla and Bleona. Wearing a sparkling fishing net over a white thong is not clothes.

Bleona was bad and so was actress Bai Ling attending the premiere of The Key.

Bai Ling seems to have taken the key theme rather literally around her chest and she has a rose growing out of her labia, giving a whole new meaning to Juliet’s phrase “That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet”. And the shoes are hideous. No, I’m sorry, I am going to have to go and lie down.

You know what, these are all so bad that we need a poll.

Even this week’s It’s Got To Go is appalling. Here is a range of baby clothes by Café Press, a company based in Louisville Kentucky. You can find it on the net.

These are as foul and revolting as anything WTF has ever seen. It is unnecessary to add anything save to observe that any parent who even thought about purchasing these items should instantly be made subject to  an intervention by  Social Services.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those top comments coming in and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

2014 is the 100th anniversary of World War 1 and the 70th anniversary of the D-Day Landings when brave men and women laid down their lives for freedom. Last Friday, another series of battles took place across the United Kingdom when brave men and women fought almost to the death to get what they had come for, although in some cases they actually had no idea what the hell they had come for. It was a mighty campaign and one they will look back on with pride. As Henry V remarked at Agincourt  

And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap…

You get the picture. And what were our heroes and heroines doing? They were engaged in hand to hand combat in ASDA and Tesco in the Black Friday sales, determined to grab and then to hang onto a 40″ LED HD telly reduced by £150 or a pair of fuck-me-dead, mega-wow-wow, super-noise-reducing headphones reduced by £65.  If that isn’t worth getting up at 2 am, queueing in the freezing cold for hours and then punching several strangers for daring to insert their still-thawing-out frame between you and the Samsung of your dreams, WTF doesn’t know what is. Half of them crawled home with frostbite, a black eye and a sprained ankle, carrying a piece of electrical equipment they probably cannot afford and do not need. “I got a Dyson but I don’t even know if I want it. I just picked it up,” Louise Haggerty, a 56-year-old hairdresser and waitress told The Guardian. She had been at Sainsbury’s in Haringey, North East London and recounted the story of a woman who had been second in the queue but who had been knocked out of the way by some feral oiks as the doors opened and had failed to get into the store in time to buy a bargain, not even an out-of-date Amstrad. 

And this is WTF’s question. What the actual fuck? How desperate do you have to be to watch Keith Lemon in high definition that you would climb over a couple of pensioners and smack someone in the mouth? Do these pathetic, Godless people really have nothing else in their lives that they need to assault people in the name of a bargain? This is replacement ritual invented by American retailers to replace the festivals of Olde Englande. Did our band of brothers, those few, those happy few, go home and boast of their triumphs? Or (some hope) did they sit down to watch The Jeremy Kyle Show on their new acquisition with a creeping sense of shame? Because if they didn’t, they should have.

We turn to the week’s sartorial slag heap, starting with Julianne Moore wearing Givenchy at the Gotham Awards.

WTF loves Julianne who combines brains, beauty and talent but this is bad. First, the dress is something to be worn by a cross-dressing Roman Centurion. More offensive than the dress are the patchily-fake-tanned legs complete with foot blotch. Julianne has beautiful, pale skin to go with her gorgeous red hair. No one is supposed to have legs the colour of tangerines and certainly not her. 

A few weeks ago we saw Solange Knowles in a ridiculous caped pantsuit on the way to get married, and now here she is in a preposterous pair of pantaloons and a bandage by Rosie Assoulin.

Never mind the 1001 nights, you could get 1001 people into those trousers and still find room for Ali Baba And Widow Twankey. As for the bandage, it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t flatter and it is an underboob moment waiting to happen.

Here is mega-model Alessandra Ambrosio at the Victoria’s Secret London Show after-party wearing Balmain.

This lattice-work Minge Moment is just terribly, terribly, terrible. The breasts are pushed up to her chin and it looks as if she is standing behind a large gate. She had better be careful or Andrew Mitchell MP will try and ride his bicycle through her.

Also attending the after party were Duran Duran singer Simon Le Bon and model wife Yasmin Le Bon.

It is legitimate to ask why Simon is using his scarf as a cock cloth – has his zip suffered a malfunction?  The whole outfit is very Teddy Boy and the shoes look like spats stuck onto a large pair of bricks. He is hunched forward and should emulate George Osborne and Call Me Dave and go on their buddy diet. As for Yasmin, she is wearing layer upon layer upon layer of sheer fabric like Salome’s (beautiful) mum and those sparkling tits are just so wrong.

To the British Fashion Awards in London which were no advertisement for British Fashion. Some people were not even wearing British Fashion, which seemed a bit pointless, like going to an Arsenal Supporters Club party in a Tottenham shirt. Here is a mixture of Brit and non-Brit nastiness, starting with singer Ella Eyre wearing River Island.

River Island is High Street not Haute. High Street can be fab but this is not fab. Indeed, it is a long way north of fab. It might have helped had Ella taken two sizes up, worn something other than a sports bra and chosen a coat which did not resemble the remnants of an animal caught in a trap. And as for the badger’s bum hair….

Next up, we have Rihanna wearing Stella McCartney.

This is the posh equivalent to wearing your boyfriend’s jacket to go out, only here your boyfriend is Mr Blobby.

And then there was Rita Ora wearing Tom Ford. Who is American.

WTF hates bondage chic and this is bondage without the chic, all black lines in every direction like an art student trying to copy a Mondrian. WTF hopes to live long enough to see the day when Rita goes on the Red Carpet without dressing as a Las Vegas showgirl on the game.

Once again, @sairsebourke has raised an issue for It’s Got To Go which is perfectly expressed and needs no enhancement from me. Her topic is smears. Not the legs in stirrups variety or the political sort but the cheffy sort. I look at a menu offering something tasty with a purée of something or other and think “ooh posh mash, I’m hungry so I’ll go for that”. And what comes? A weeny bit of veg plonked on the plate and then spread like a skid mark on a pair of boxers discarded by the loo in your local Wetherspoons. Worst of all, it tends to dry out, so any foodie loveliness has evaporated. It is wanky and It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those top comments coming in as well as your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. By the way, the winner of last week’s poll was Bai Ling with 46% of the vote. Bleona was second. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

Afternoon tea at Claridge’s is an elegant affair. For a mere £50 a head, waiters hover topping up the teapot as you feast on a selection of finger sandwiches, pastries various and freshly-baked scones served with cream and “Marco Polo jelly”, (whatever the hell that is). For £61, you can have a glass of champagne with it, and if you want to push the boat right out across Brook Street, for £74 you can upgrade to Laurent Perrier pink champagne. Lou Burns, her mother and her sister were snacking on smoked salmon and Lou’s 12 week old daughter was snacking on Lou and everyone was having a lovely time until a waiter appeared with a giant table napkin and politely suggested that Lou’s right breast and baby Burns should disappear under it. Lou’s afternoon concluded with her looking like a piece of furniture half-covered by a dust sheet in the middle of a move and she felt, with some justification, that she had not received the hospitality for which the hotel is world famous. 

WTF is puzzled. Every week, this blog features women hobbling about in high heels with their breasts heaving, nipples on the verge of escape or clearly visible through sheer tops. Every week, 5.6m people read The Sun whose page 3 is adorned with a photo of a gormless girl with giant knockers, her nipples out and proud. Every day, billboards show naked ladies writhing about to flog all manner of products. Given that baby Burns was fastened onto Lou’s nipple, what was actually on display? Baby’s head would have obscured both the breast and the nipple. Do you suppose that Claridge’s staff would approach Lauren Goodger, whose breasts are tumbling forth in one of the pictures below, or Rita Ora, who is giving us a double-split minge moment in a skirt the size of one of those little sandwiches, and ask them to cover up under a giant table napkin? But the very sight of baby Burns suckling at her mother’s breast apparently so upset people spreading Marco Polo jelly on their dinky little scones that a minion was despatched to dangle the damask. Frankly, WTF thinks it is a damn sight more offensive that Claridge’s has the effrontery to charge £74 for a tea and a glass of bubbly. Let baby Burns take her sustenance wheresoever and whensoever she chooses. Why don’t we all just grow up and readjust our values?

We start our review of the week’s sartorial sewage with new singing sensation,  Charli XCX wrapped in gold foil like a suicidal Christmas turkey.

It’s C-P30 meets Barbarella.  The tit detail is quite, quite horrible. the shoes are horrible. The whole thing is decidedly horrible. 

Next up we have Gwen Stefani wearing who knows what at the launch of Pharrell Williams’ range for Adidas.

There is fun. And there is folly. This left folly behind about 100 miles back and turned left at “you’re having a laugh”. WTF can only conclude in general that Gwen’s admiration for Pharrell’s stratus has clouded her judgment.

To the premiere of  the movie Into The Woods and lovely Welsh actress Erin Richards of Being Human and Gotham fame, wearing a Vera Wang top, The Row trousers and Roberto Cavalli boots.

No self-respecting dog would want this outfit for its dinner. Even a dog down on its luck with esteem issues would baulk at it. The top is from a practice run at one of Kim Kardashian’s three Wang wedding dresses (you know, the marriage lasting 20 minutes to Wotsisname) and the boots are down to Signor Cavalli’s usual standard of tackiness with an extra helping of tack. The look is sort of Miss Haversham meets a very camp Dick Turpin and not in a good way.

Also in attendance at the premiere was actress Alyssa Milano wearing Dolce & Gabbana.  

Alyssa had a baby 3 months ago and is a strong supporter of breastfeeding in public, bless her, so it pains WTF to observe that this bottle-green, medieval serving wench outfit with its distracting flesh-coloured lining is a shocker. Hate the tattoo. Hate the shoes. Hate the matchy-matchy clutch. Thumbs down all round.

It’s two weeks running for Rita Ora, this time wearing Fausto Puglisi.

This is less a skirt and more a double-slit minge shield. Close up it is even worse.

There is a distinctly pervy Roman vibe here, what with the jewelled minge shield and the circulation-stopping sandals and the necromancer’s sweatshirt. WTF has come to bury Rita not to praise her. This compulsive, not to say repulsive, exhibitionism has gone too far. Call for the men in white coats!  

Here is Donna Karan wearing herself.

Designers in their own dud kit fall into the category of “Designers Who Need To See A Doctor” but even a combination of Professor Magdi Yacoub, Dr Christian Barnard and Dr Ross off ER could not revive this particular corpse. She could be in a remake of Rob Roy set in Manhattan and featuring a fight with a mangy, tartan-clad elk.

To The Clothes Show in Birmingham, we meet ex-TOWIE, desperate selfie-taker and nonentity Lauren Goodger wearing low-budget label Lasula.

The problem with Lauren is that having tasted  fame in TOWIE, she now finds herself with neither talent nor brains fighting for oxygen on Planet Celebritee and struggling to find her USP.  Her only option is to post endless selfies of her bits and simultaneously boring us to death with her perceived weight issues. The dress is £16, which is £15 too much and the tit porthole is probably not up to the job. It is hard to discern whether Lauren or the dress looks the cheaper.

Here is the opposite of cheap, the wonderful Dame Helen Mirren wearing Alessandra Rich.

Helen! No! No! No! She wore this horror at Deauville in September and here it is again, only this time worn off one shoulder. No one should wear a see-through skirt but certainly not a grande dame like Dame Helen. Stop. It. Now.

To London and the BBC Music Awards where we come upon singer Ellie Goulding wearing Jean-Paul Gaulthier.

Overcooked salmon pink with laced trousers like Robin Hood is bad enough. But then we get to the side view..

Ellie joked that at least she wouldn’t get sweat patches. But better sweat patches than side boob. This is why the Good Lord invented deodorant…

This week’s It’s Got To Go is suggested by an irate WTF of Islington who is fed up to the back teeth with those bloody smartphone apps supposedly there to let you park without fuss. Except that often they don’t work and you are left on the pavement like a prat in the pissing rain staring at a message which says “No connection” or watching it buffering away. At which point, as a traffic warden hovers, positively slavering at the thought of sticking a penalty notice on your windscreen, you dial the pay-by-parking number only to be met by an electronic voice advising you at 20 pence a nano-second that “Smartphone users, for quicker and easier payments why not go to the mobile website?”. Which is where you have just come from and which has given you the runaround. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Next Friday will be the last blog of the year with January bringing you the 2014 Christmas Turkey Poll. Keep those comments coming in and be good x

Hallo Readers and Happy New Year!

Here it is! The WTF Christmas Turkey 2014 Poll featuring the worst of the last 6 months since you voted in June for the WTF Summer Stinker 2014. Here are 21 examples of sartorial shockingness and your mission is to vote for one or more of them, and, should you so wish, to leave unpleasant comments to go with your votes. Kim Kardashian is not featured as WTF cannot stand the opprobrium heaped upon her by outraged Readers every time she features the woman’s inflated bits crammed into too-small couture. There is no Lady Gaga either because she does it on purpose and Rita Ora is in this time but she is about to be exiled to the Siberia of @WTF_EEK because she can’t keep away from ghastliness. These horrors are listed in first name alphabetical order and in no order of preference as, to be frank, they are all utterly frightful. Off we go……

1. Amber Rose, pointless celebrity, wearing Laura Devitt. 

Amber Rose turned up at the Video Music Awards wearing one of Salomé’s cast-offs and showing us most of her all. Not that we wanted to see it.

2. Bai Ling, actress, wearing a rose growing out of her nether regions.

Why is this even happening? How does this even begin to be an outfit?

3. Bleona Qereti, Albanian born singer and TV person, wearing Shahla Doriz.

Bleona’s parents were so mortified by their daughter appearing at the American Music Awards clad only in a sparkling fishing net that they barricaded themselves into their house and refused to come out. If only Bleona had done the same on the night… 

4. Charli XCX, singer, wearing something quite horrible.

There is probably a good reason for covering your lady parts with rabbit bobtails. It is just that WTF does not know what it is

5.  Gabi Grecko, 26, American wannabe celebrity and 6. her fiancé, colourful Australian businessman Geoffrey Edelsten, 71. They are shown together but you can vote for either (or both) as they are not a job lot.

This dynamic duo graced the Melbourne Gold Cup, she dressed as a burlesque dancer and he as a satin banana. One hopes that they will be very happy together.

7.  Iggy Azalea, rapper, wearing something quite horrible.

As WTF remarked at the time, the outfit looks like something knocked up from a used parachute whilst the black toe-squishing boots are simply an abomination, causing Iggy’s legs to be criss-crossed and scored like the crackling on a joint of pork.

8. Jeremy Scott, fashion designer, wearing Jeremy Scott. 

To compound the horror, it has a smiley face on the back. What is it with men and banana yellow? Why is he dressed as a clown? Where is his shirt? Why is he wearing pointy patent pumps? Why doesn’t he just go away?

9. K Michelle, singer and musician, wearing something quite horrible.

The singer is known for her frankness.  She informed her fans that she had refused to sleep with American Football Player Chad Ochocino because “his penis was too big”. WTF is also known for her frankness. This outfit is an excrescence. And her knickers are showing. Not to mention her arse.

10. Kate Moss wearing Kate Moss for Topshop.

Not even a supermodel can get away with these creased and inflammable-looking synthetic satin jim-jams and a dead flamingo over her shoulders. Kate smokes like a chimney and she could have gone up in flames had her fag-ash been misdirected.

11. Katie Price, glamour model, “author” and businesswoman wearing her undies.

Katie, aka Jordan, turned up at the launch of the latest book she hasn’t written called Make My Wish Come True, wearing lingerie, fuck-me shoes, a tiara and two of the fakest-looking fake tits WTF has seen in a while. Although she has since had them drastically reduced and now complains that they’re too small.

12. Lena Dunham, actress and writer, wearing Giambattista Valli.

The shirt is two sizes too small and a bra is required as a matter of urgency. As for the skirt, is it a slanket? Is it a frilly Pantone colour chart? Whatever it is, she looks like an ice cream sundae.

13. Maitland Ward, actress, wearing J. Loren for Adolfo Sanchez.

Maitland has kept WTF busy in the past year but this leather Minge Waterfall effort giving us an eyeful of everything she has is just the pits. 

14. Mariah Carey, singer, wearing not nearly enough.

Either wear a skirt or don’t but make your mind up. In the meantime, wrap that dangling thing around you because we really don’t want to see your panties.

15. Matcho Suba, fashion designer, wearing Matcho Suba.

Preposterous. And then some. The German WW1 helmet. The wallpaper suit. The too-short trousers. The nasty yellow breast-pocket hankie. Ugh.

16. Miley Cyrus, singer and actress, wearing Tom Ford.

Tom Ford has gone right down the pan, which WTF dates from when he started dressing Beyoncé. WTF hates this bondage chic trend and wants it to stop.

17. Naomi Grossman, actress, wearing Natalia Fedner.

Naomi’s shaven head is not by choice but for her part in American Psycho. However no-one forced her into that hideous Minge Moment dress for which she should take full responsibility.

18. Rihanna, singer, wearing Stella McCartney.

WTF hates tattooed tits and isn’t wild about Stella McCartney so this nonsensical jacket, which seems to have designed for Gérard Depardieu, ticks a lot of boxes.

19. Rita Ora, singer, wearing Ulyana Sergeenko.

Rita is simultaneously dressed as a tart and a vicar, which seems a trifle irreligious and those shiny sausage tights are an eyesore.

20. Rosario Dawson, actress, wearing Vionnet.

Rosario is beautiful but this dress is deeply disturbing, as if dirty washing is tumbling out of a giant porthole in her stomach. What on earth is it supposed to be? Baffling.

21. Roselyn Sánchez, actress wearing Ecliptica.

Why bother to wear this at all? It is an embroidered hold-up stocking left by a particularly pervy member of Santa’s little helpers. The word “trashy” has insufficient nuance.

OK Readers, get voting! WTF is in sunny Australia for her holidays and will be back with you on 16 January where the Winner of the 2014 Christmas Turkey will be announced together with the first of 2015’s horrible fashion faux pas. Remember – vote now and vote often and make sure everyone you know gets to vote as well. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

Wednesday was Holocaust Memorial Day, the 70th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz where millions died, there and in other death camps. Some died because they were Jews. Some died because they were gypsies.  Some died because they were gay. Some died because they were disabled. Some died because they were communists or because they rejected the Nazi ideology. But millions died. Some were gassed. Some were shot. Some died of disease or starvation. All of them were targeted because of what they were and their failure to fit the Aryan prototype of desirability. Those who survived to tell their stories tell stories to break your heart but soon their voices will be silenced and then how do we persuade the next generations, bedazzled by computer generated  imagery and photoshopping, that it ever happened at all?

Even now in the face of the photographs and the film footage and the testimonies, some stoutly deny that it ever happened. How, how can they deny that it ever happened? How can they deny the accounts of eye witnesses, the evidence of the bodies piled up, the stench of death that remains indelibly in the nostrils of those who were there? Even a visceral hatred of Israel and Zionism cannot negate what happened. What about those who were not Jews and were in the camps? What happened to them? WTF, the daughter of a Jewish refugee who had friends with camp numbers tattooed on their forearms, was appalled by “Holohoax” exponents and  Holocaust deniers, seemingly of all faiths, ages and nationalities, who took to Twitter (and in one case, to Radio 5 where he gained access by deception and then denounced the Holocaust as a lie) to spread their poison, citing such proponents of the truth as David Irving (discredited and imprisoned), Ernst Zündel (discredited and imprisoned) and “executions expert” Fred A Leuchter (discredited charlatan who was neither a scientist nor an engineer and yet claimed to have proof that gas was never used at Auschwitz). Distorting or denying the past can never advance a political argument and dishonours both.

Rant over.

At which point, we switch to the sartorial slurry of the week and the Screen Actors’ Guild (SAG) Awards in Hollywood, the only awards by actors to actors. We start with Stephanie Beatriz from Brooklyn Nine-Nine wearing Johanna Johnson.

This dress was custom made for Stephanie and so WTF can only speculate that either there was a catastrophic power failure when the lights went out for a week or someone in the sewing room held a grudge. Stephanie was seconds away from a major tit trauma and they look like spaniels’ ears. She knows it too…

Orange Is The New Black won big on the night and rightly so. WTF is a huge fan. Sadly, however, she was not a fan of some of the outfits worn by the stars, like Laverne Cox, also wearing Johanna Johnson. 

This Johanna Johnson has a lot to answer for. Laverne is dressed in a silk nightie with silver accoutrements like an glittering ox-yoke and, just in case it was insufficiently gaudy, Johanna added a pair of genitalia curtains AND A TRAIN! Lady Macbeth goes disco dancing…

Also letting the side down was Vicky Jeudy wearing Charbel Zoé.

Quite apart from the cheesy pose (why on earth do women have to stand like that?) there is a lot going on here and none of it good. Branches growing out of her chest. Sequins. Splits. Peekaboo panels. Just say no…

Then there was Matthew McConaughey wearing Brioni pictured with his wife Camila Alvez wearing Donna Karan Atelier.

Camila looks spectacular. As for Matthew, had George V gone to a fancy dress party as a bandleader, this is what he would have looked like. What the hell is that beard? And why are his trousers concertinaed around his ankles?

Also there was Jennifer Aniston wearing vintage Galliano.

Jen decided to abandon her safe, sassy Red Carpet look, i.e. black, a hint of cleavage and lots of leg (she does have great legs) and let it be known that she now wants to exude super-sexy and edge. This dress, however, does neither. The colour is horrible, her tits look more saggy than SAG and what is that gold dog-chain for? 

And Adrien Brody wearing Vivienne Westwood Man.

What is it with men and shiny suits? First Matthew and now Adrien. At least Matthew was only shiny from the waist up whereas Adrien looks like a cross between a 50’s Mafioso (think Al Pacino in The Godfather 2) and the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz. And that expression makes him look constipated.

And Joan Collins wearing something left over from her Dynasty days.

Yes, she’s great for her age (81)  but just because she can do it doesn’t mean she has to. She looks like a drag queen dressed as Joan Collins. 

And nominee for Best Actress, our own Rosamund Pike wearing Dior.

First we had the Vera Wang Mammary Moment at the Golden Globes and now this embellished tent with pom-poms, like a moulting poodle. Rosamund – there is still time before the Oscars! Your stylist needs a slap, a P45 and another slap. And buy a hairbrush.

Finally, away from the SAG Awards, we have the former Miss Universe Olivia Culpo, now stepping out with singer Joe Jonas of the Jonas Brothers. Olivia is wearing MT Costello.

Joe is the youngest looking 25 year old in the Universe, especially next to Olivia, who is only 22 but looks much older. WTF deplores trainers worn with a DJ, a trend espoused by Louis Hamilton and Robert Downey Jnr. and will rage against it whenever she sees it. As for Olivia, MT Costello is the collaboration between the ghastly Michael Costello and his sister. Regular Readers will know that WTF has a deep loathing for Michael, who is the Minge Moment Maestro and whose creations are an affront to female dignity. Like this Porno-Bride effort.

WARNING!!!!! AND ANOTHER WARNING!!!!!

STOP READING IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY THE SIGHT OF A PENIS….COME BACK NEXT WEEK INSTEAD!!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!! THRICE!!!!

This week’s It’s Got To Go, independently brought to WTF’s attention by aficionados David Meredith, Jan  Lewis and Trisha Shannon, is absolutely foul. Idiot designer Rick Owens, he of the rather excellent leather jackets, decided to send male models down the runway with their dicks hanging out. Or as Trisha excellently put it, Penis Peepholes.

Why? Because, according to Rick, “I thought it was the most simple, primal gesture—and you know I love a simply tiny, little gesture that packs the wallop.” Codswallop more like..…. 

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. WTF is still experiencing a degree of disappointment at the sparsity of the comments coming in but you’re reading in your droves which is cheering and there have been some top suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

There is an old song with the chorus “It’s the same the whole world over, it’s the poor what gets the blame, it’s the rich what gets the pleasure, ain’t it all a bleedin’ shame”. How true. Move your boyfriend in whilst on benefits or do a little painting and decorating on the side for cash and you’ll find yourself in Court quicker than you can say Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs. But stash your cash in the Banque de Dodgy in Geneva and forget to tell the taxman and you can just write a little cheque and call it quits. So far, £120m has been repaid. It gets better. Run the Bank of which the Banque de Dodgy is the Swiss subsidiary, even if you do not know that the Banque is, at the very least, actively encouraging tax avoidance and you collect a £19m pension pot, are ushered into the House of Lords and are made a member of Her Majesty’s Government. Lord Green, formerly Stephen Green  and the Head of HSBC, claims he knew nothing about the activities of the Banque de Dodgy, which rather begs the question why he was paid a fortune to run it. Be that howsoever it be, there is no doubt that HMRC knew all about it because they were collecting the  repayment cheques. Call Me Dave claims that no one told him anything. Like he always does. Lord Green refuses to answer questions. Any way you look at it, it is a scandal.

Here’s the thing. Why do people who are neither Swiss nor working in Switzerland need a Swiss Bank Account at all? Or one in Lichtenstein or the British Virgin Islands or any other scenic spot which is not the place where they reside and go about their business? Or set up companies in Samoa or the Channel Islands and then “loan” themselves money from those companies at very reasonable rates of interest (i.e. none)? It is because they would rather dip their heads in a bucket of shit than pay full tax on their money. As far as WTF is concerned, tax avoidance may be legal but it is no better than tax evasion. Live in the UK and pay your taxes on all of your income or piss off somewhere else. End of. Meanwhile, the law should be properly and equitably applied.  No one should buy themselves out of wrongdoing, After all, the  Chancellor of the Exchequer tells us that we are all in this together. Right……

We turn to the fashion faeces of the week and a bumper edition it is too. WTF’s father and uncle attended a family wedding many years ago where their cousin’s wife was wearing an extremely low cut dress displaying a lot of pudgy décolletage. In a synagogue!  At which point, WTF’s Uncle remarked loudly “Tits are being worn this year”. It appears that not much has changed. This week saw the BAFTAs and the GRAMMYs and WTF can say with confidence that once again, tits are being worn this year. And arse. But first up, we have BAFTA nominee for best musical score Mica Levi aka Micachu wearing who knows what…

Mica went to the BAFTAs dressed as the Artful Dodger in a black bin bag. Who knows why?

And then there was pointless socialite Hofit Golan wearing Stéphane Rolland. Why the hell she was there is a question to which there is no sensible answer.

Hofit has awarded herself a gold star but on this showing, she should get a detention – indoors and in perpetuity.

To the GRAMMYs, starting with Pharrell Williams wearing Chanel.

WTF is resigned to Pharrell showing his skinny little legs because you might as well try and hold back the tide. And we all know how well  King Canute got on with that particular exercise.  But what is Karl Lagerfool  doing dressing him as a hotel bellhop in gold trainers?

Next we meet former American Idol winner Jordin Sparks, wearing Kuwaiti designer Ali Younes at a GRAMMYs pre-party.

This Ali Younes is not to be confused with the Qatari footballer Ali Younes but he was certainly offside with this hideous creation in which Jordin displays a Spanx high-waist panty and matching bra and appears to have just given birth to the sibling of that horrible black thing that came out of Melisandre in Games of Thrones. Let us hope this this one proves to be more friendly than Melisandre’s offspring…

We move onto Katy Perry wearing Zuhair Murad.

Oh, here we go again. Yawn. It is time that Zuhair changed the record. As it were. As for the rear view..

We neither need nor wish to see Katy’s arse and the whole ensemble makes her look as if she is standing in the shower. Plus the purple hair is putrid. No one looks good with purple hair. Except perhaps a cuddly toy and then only in certain circumstances.

Next up we have proper film star Jane Fonda, seen here wearing Balmain. These days Jane is to be seen attending the opening of an envelope.

If Kermit the Frog had sex with a cucumber, this is what their child would look like. As for the gold chains, they passeth all understanding.

Young singer Charli XCX never fails to appal. Here she is wearing Moschino.

She looks like the bridegroom at a cheap Las Vegas wedding, you know the sort where you are married by someone dressed as Elvis. And the RSPCA needs to investigate how that giant pink poodle met its demise….

And then there was singer Ciara wearing WTF  bugbear Alexandre Vauthier.

Ciara is beautiful but here she looks as if she came off second best in a catfight.

This is Bill Keliher, rhythm guitarist from Mastodon. What is he wearing?

This is just so awesomely terrible that one can but hope that he was either taking the piss or moonlighting as a children’s entertainer. Green shoes! Matching frilly shirt! Unforgiveable.

Then there was Albanian shocker, soi-disant singer Bleona Qereti.

After showing us her all in a sparkling fishing net at the AMAs, Bleona turned up at the Grammys looking like a Cyborg busy blowing smoke out of its bottom. Her minge appears to have caught fire.  If only….

Next we have Rihanna wearing Giambattista Valli.

RiRi usually goes everywhere wearing not just tits and arse but minge. However, this move from no material to lots of material is just as gloriously OTT. Giambattista has clearly been inspired by Katie Price’s wedding coach and the dress offers about the same amount of room.

And now Joy Villa (what do you mean, who?) wearing Andre Soriano.

Here’s the rear view….

It is one thing to wear a traffic stopping gown in order to get noticed. It is quite another to do so by wearing one made from the netting used to cordon off road works. The good news is that she is wearing a thong. The bad news is that it is lilac and you can see it. And her arse. 

Talking of arse, we must of course include Madonna wearing Givenchy.

Madonna is 56 and a superstar multi-millionaire. Why she still feels the need to flash her arse is unclear. But of course she did.

Madonna. Just fuck right off. You and your heaving breasts and your bare arse and your stupid outfits and your hideous peep-toe boots with screwdriver heels. WTF has previously complained that Madonna has a Pavlovian reaction to every situation, namely to get her arse out. She probably does it  when she opens the door to the postman. It is boring. And another thing. A toreador would not flash his arse because the bull would gore it with his horns. Where is that bull when you want him…

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There was no room for It’s Got To Go this week but keep supplying your splendid suggestions and your comments and let us meet again on Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers

In Copenhagen last Saturday, a young Muslim man shot through a café window where people had gathered to discuss blasphemy and cartoons depicting the Prophet Mohammed. Amongst those present was  Swedish cartoonist Lars Vilks who had drawn a caricature of the Prophet as a dog in 2007 and has been under police protection ever since. Instead the gunman killed a Danish filmmaker, Finn Noregaard. Hours later, he also killed Dan Uzan, a Jew standing guard outside a synagogue where a bat mitzvah was being celebrated. Whilst police hunted the killer that night, an unedifying debate took place on Twitter and on TV. Some complained that there had been less coverage of the events 3 days earlier in Chapel Hill, North Carolina where Yusor Mohammad Abu-Salha, her husband Deah Sallah Barakat and her sister, Razan Mohammad Abu-Salha were allegedly shot dead by their neighbour Craig Hicks. Others replied, maintaining that Copenhagen was more significant. It was depressing.

I am outraged when people are shot dead because they are exercising their right of free speech. I am outraged when Jews are shot dead in supermarkets and outside or inside synagogues or anywhere else just because they are Jews. I am outraged when Muslims are shot dead anywhere because they are Muslims. I am outraged when a soldier has his head hacked off in a London street. I am outraged when any place of worship is desecrated. I am outraged when anyone of any religion is bullied or threatened or abused because of that religion. Despite Benjamin Netanyahu’s invitation to me and other European Jews to come and live in Israel, Israel is not my home. London is my home. I believe in freedom of speech and democracy and the right to practice your religion, any religion or no religion, with impunity and in safety and so do the majority of people of all religions.  Can we stop blaming whole communities for the acts of a few? In Oslo this weekend the Muslim community are going to gather around synagogues as a act of solidarity with the Jewish community, a wonderful gesture. This is not an outrage competition and we need to remember that and start supporting each other.

To the fashion frock-ups of the week, starting with the London premiere of the second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel movie. WTF thought the first one was a pile of patronising poo and simply a job creation scheme for elderly English actors but no matter.  One of those in attendance was actress and professional Scouser Claire Sweeney.

This is just horrible, like a bad beach dress from BHS. Bright colours are one thing. A bilious yellow robe with an abundance of blue and green swirls and a split skirt displaying mottled winter legs and gold sandals is quite another. Questions also have to be asked about the hair, like a Cavalier’s wig.

We now encounter TOWIE shocker Abi Clarke. (We will meet one of her co-stars later on). Abi was at the Birmingham showing of Fifty Shades of  Filth wearing, if that is the word I am looking for, which it palpably is not, this olive green thing by Boutique Boo.

WTF has been writing this blog for a while but cannot recall ever seeing someone quite so orange. But then Abi is the quintessence of fake. Tan. Tits. Hair. Nails. Lips. Talking of tits….

Since flashing her falsies is part of her job description, it is at least incumbent upon Abi to ensure that everything on show is the same shade of citrus. Just saying…

Here is a newcomer to these pages, ghastly Tea-Party harridan  Sarah Palin, who was nearly Vice President of the United States. Thank you Lord for not letting it happen. Thank you.

Sarah popped up at Saturday Night Live‘s 40th birthday party, despite having been mercilessly lampooned in it for years by the brilliant Tina Fey. But then the woman was always as thick as double dog-shit. Sarah actually borrowed her daughter’s dress and teamed it with shiny sausage-skin open-toed tights, the better to show off her Christian Louboutin peep-toe bootees. Mutton dressed as lamb.  Just go away…

SNL’s 40th Anniversary was not the only big event in the Big Apple this week. It was New York Fashion Week where celebs were everywhere showing off their borrowed finery. We start with heiress Paris Hilton and cross-dressing designer Philippe Blond, one half of design team The Blonds, at the Blonds’ show. Presumably they are both wearing The Blonds.

Paris is the one in the corset looking like the love child of a Las Vegas showgirl and Jon Bon Jovi. As for Philippe, there is something very disturbing about those tight little shorts, like a member of the Hitler Youth out on the lash in Sally Bowles’ Munich.

And then there was top actress Naomi Watts wearing Antonio Berardi and some rather fine Bulgari jewellery. (Her dad was Pink Floyd’s road manager! Who knew?)

WTF likes Naomi but let us be frank  – she is wearing a table napkin. Perhaps she was planning to smuggle out the sapphires under the ruffle at the end of proceedings.

Still at NYFW, we have Kelly Osbourne and stylist Brad Goreski wearing Thom Browne.

 Kelly and Brad were participating in Naomi Campbell’s Fashion Against Ebola! (as if Fashion would ever be For Ebola!). Regular Readers will know that Thom Browne is the man who thrust the shorts-suit upon an unsuspecting world, at which WTF continues to be in great indignation,  so it is something of a surprise to see Brad in actual trousers. That said, he looks like an extra from The Mikado whilst Kelly, whose hair is a public scandal, seem have been attacked by a flock of birds en route to the catwalk.

 WARNING!!! AND ANOTHER WARNING!!! AND A THIRD WARNING!!! ANYONE OF A DELICATE DISPOSITION OR OFFENDED BY MALE NUDITY STOP READING NOW AND COME BACK NEXT FRIDAY. EVERYONE ELSE, TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND HAVE THE NUMBER OF A HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL ON SPEED DIAL.

That was your warning. Do not go suing WTF for nervous shock.

Readers will not have forgotten, because it is not possible to forget, Bobby Norris, the runaway winner of the WTF Summer Stinker 2014. Bobby was pictured on the beach in Marbella wearing a red cock-sock, his thing in a thong to the horror of all holidaymakers going about their sandy business. This year Bobby decided to up the beach ante in his quest to be the silliest man ever to emerge from Essex and trust me, there is hot competition for that title. Ready? You won’t be..

Is this actually supposed to be attractive? And if so, to whom? Bobby looks like a string of spaghetti with a blob of Bolognese. This new packer-wrapper is just plain revolting. Never mind how it stays on – why did this wood-hood ever go on? Someone should charge every police officer in Marbella with gross dereliction of duty…

 This week’s It’s Got to Go can be taken shortly. Readers were in uproar last week after being subjected  to the sight of Madonna’s arse at the GRAMMYs and who can blame them? Most people know more about her body than they do about their own. WTF aficionado Lottie nominated Madge for this week’s slot (as it were) and added “She has spent the last 30-odd years being very annoying with her squeaky little ‘singing’ voice, and now she is embarrassing too. Just put it away, dear, and go count your money.” And so say all of us….

Ok Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep the comments coming and your super suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet against next Friday when we will have a bumper edition of the worst of the Oscars AND the Brits. Be still my beating heart. x

Hallo Readers,

When you ask the Prime Minister a straight question to which the answer is either “yes” or “no”,  namely are you willing to take part in a face-to-face televised election debate with little Ed Miliband, the most reviled Labour Party leader since the last most reviled Labour Party leader, the answer “can I just say that we have created loads of jobs and fixed the economy and by the way, my dad is bigger than your dad and you are only 1.8 metres tall whereas I am 1.85 metres tall, take that, you little short-arse”  is in no way an answer to the question, not even at all. But for some reason he has been allowed to get way with it. Why has he been allowed to get away with it? And why are all these hot-shot, highly-paid newshounds  on the BBC and ITV and Sky News allowed to allow Call Me Dave and rebarbative Party Chairman, perambulating oil slick Grant Shapps and any other bugger offered up by Tory Central Office, to dodge the question? What exactly is it, Dave, that you are so afraid of? Do tell.

You see, here’s the thing. Having been boxed into a corner and covered in public obloquy for dodging little Ed’s question at Prime Minister’s Questions (the clue is in the name), Dave’s henchman wrote to the broadcasters and told them that because they had buggered him about, he would agree to one debate with 7 participants  (i.e. everyone gets to speaks for 8.5 minutes) but not face to face with little Ed. He won’t say why. His apologists say, well why should he as it is not to his advantage? But surely the issue is not whether it is to his advantage? The issue is whether it is to the voters’ advantage to know exactly for what and for whom they are voting.  It is an obligation owed to the people whom you are asking to put you in power. Explain yourself and let people see if you are better than your rivals. Running away and pretending that it is a point of principle is not presidential. It is cowardly and it is cynical. For shame.

The week following the Oscars and the Brits is always a bit like the road sweepers after the Lord Mayor’s Show but this week proved surprisingly fruitful, starting with Australian actress Jordy Lucas, formerly of Neighbours, wearing this thing by Love and Lemons at the LA prèmiere of Focus.

This would not even pass muster as a nightie, let alone a dress. And the shoes are horrible. The whole thing is horrible.

Also there was her pal, the star of Focus Margot Robbie, wearing Giambattista Valli.

Margot looks as if her head and neck are emerging from a sheep’s bottom, a white waist band is never flattering, not even on a movie star and WTF’s views on see-through skirts are clear. (That’s a no, by the way).

Here is actress Kate Bosworth wearing Angel Sanchez.

Something has gone seriously wrong here. Kate’s head appears to have been superimposed onto someone else’s body and it must be said that a roll neck is rarely a good idea, particularly on a lollipop head like Kate.

Actress Salma Hayek attended Gucci’s show at Milan Fashion Week wearing, er, Gucci.

Salma’s husband François Pinot owns bloody Gucci so you would think that Salma could have her pick of the new collection. Instead, she pitched up in ill-fitting trousers, a schoolboy’s jacket cut most unflatteringly on the hip, some sort of bow like a fin de siècle dandy and a beret last seen on Michelle in ‘Allo ‘Allo. Salma, WTF vill say this only once – non!

This is singer Aluna Francis from popular singing duo Aluna George wearing Just Cavalli at Milan Fashion Week.

Well of course it would be just have to be Just Cavalli would it not? As WTF has previously remarked, just as Versace is Italian for vulgar, Cavalli is the Italian for tawdry. This “dress” is basically a random selection of strips of fabric and the crotch curtains are greatly to be deplored.

To Paris Fashion Week and French actress Frédérique Bel at the ETAM lingerie show wearing perennial offender Stéphane Rolland.

For some reason Frédérique is dressed as a posh Parisienne Pantomine horse complete with a swishing gold tail. WTF says neigh…..

And there was fashionista supreme Anna dello Russo wearing Dries van Noten at his show.

Trapper John lives in Paris. Ghastly…..

Madonna also paraded around Paris this week wearing Alexander Wang shoes, leather, fur, fishnets and stupid gauntlets. 

You would think that after the cape fiasco at the Brits where she fell  arse over tit, Madge would have been wary of tottering about in dodgy footwear. (She should have listened to Giorgio Armani who designed the Cape. He told her to have a hook and she insisted on a tie. He described her as “difficult”, which is like saying lions like meat).  Instead she has more or less lived in these Alexander Wang boots which are no different to ski boots, twice as costly, three times as ugly and just generally foul.

It takes something to be the worst-dressed footballer of all time but Ricardo Quaresma, now of Porto FC and formerly of Chelsea (on loan, he flopped) must now have the nomination sewn up. Apologies that it is not a very good picture but it’s all there is….

What the actual fuck? Leggings the colour of diarrhoea. Some sort of tunic. A cowl-neck sweater (WTF hates cowl neck sweaters almost above all things). The unforgiveable addition of the Louis Vuitton beanie and matching toilet bag. As for the trainers, if you are going to dress as a medieval court jester, you might as well go the whole hog and wear those curly-toed shoe things.

This week’s It’s Got To Go is UKIP playing the political correctness card. Last Friday WTF was appalled to hear shouty UKIP MEP David Coburn on BBC Radio 4’s “Any Questions” and tweeted her view that he was a ranting twat, receiving much support. She then received a tweet from a UKIP supporter accusing her of homophobia. WTF replied that she did not even know that Coburn was gay but that being gay is not a Get Out Of Jail Free card for being a twat. And it isn’t. It so isn’t. Being accused of political incorrectness by UKIP. You couldn’t make it up. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Get busy with the comments and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let meet again next Friday. Be good.

Hallo Readers,

The Daily Mail dislikes anything or anyone that does not fall within its definition of Traditional British Values which is pretty much everything or everyone apart from St. Margaret of Thatcher, Jeremy Clarkson and Nigel Farage. Recently, it has fastened its fangs into working mothers and this week’s target was Justine Thornton who happens to be married to Ed Miliband. Ed and Justine were pictured sipping mugs of tea in the spartan kitchen of their North London house (for North London, read “home of dangerous lefties who want to destroy the Nation as we know it”). If indeed it is their main kitchen, which seems now to be in doubt, in which case they were daft to pretend it was. Accompanying the pictures was some of the most spiteful, ill-written shite that WTF has ever read, even in the Mail, penned by piss-poor columnist Sarah Vine the wife of Michael Gove. Michael was Secretary of State for Education until Call Me Dave booted him into the back room role of Chief Whip to spare the public further exposure to the little creep. Oh – and Michael furnished his homely house in North Kensington with £7,000 worth of public-paid-for-homeliness including some rather nice kitchen equipment, which he then had to repay. 

According to Vile,  “No home-making for Justine: she’s far too busy sticking to her feminist principles as an environmental lawyer. And that doesn’t include nice crockery or other homely touches. .. It’s not that (feminists) don’t know how to make their house look nice or cook a delicious family meal or organise their cupboards…It’s that they don’t want to. On principle.” As it is unlikely that the Goves have dined chez Ed and Justine, WTF is unsure how Vile gets to pronounce upon the quality of the comestibles on offer in Kentish Town. More offensive, particularly just after International Women’s Day, is the idea that a feminist working mother deprives her kids of proper food and houses them in conditions even Pol Pot would baulk at. On principle. Most offensive is the idea that Vile, a woman who has described herself as a feminist, would allow herself to be wheeled out to knife another political spouse in the name of party propaganda.

WTF suspects that most people don’t give a toss about Ed and Justine’s kitchen or their diet, any more than they care about Dave’s and Sam’s or Nick’s and Miriam’s or Nigel’s and Kirsten’s. Vote Ed into Downing Street and he can have a nice décor courtesy of the taxpayer and a bevy of staff to knock up roast beef and apple pie on demand. It is time that we stopped asking intelligent, talented women to act as their husband’s arm candy and let them get on with their own careers. Hands up anyone who has seen a picture of Angela Merkel’s husband – or even knows what his name is?

Changing topics, we turn to Paris Fashion Week which seemed to go for an age, its Front Rows full of silly stars wearing borrowed clobber. We start with newly-shorn and newly-blond actor Jared Leto wearing Balmain.

Meet Andy Warhol about to board a yacht, having first yomped across the North Pole to get to the quayside. Ahoy there! Ludicrous, and that is being kind.

Next we meet former model and current billionaire’s wife Elena Perminova wearing Giambattista Valli.

On any view, this is a deeply preposterous ensemble, What Maisie Knew meets South American guerrilla girl. And the boots are nearly as hideous as the tights.

No Fashion Week anywhere would be complete without fashionista Anna dello Russo, seen here wearing Moncler Gamme Rouge.

Anna astonished WTF all week by looking good until she fell almost at the last hurdle, flashing her panties like a naughty vestal virgin going cherry picking.

And then there was Katy Perry at the Moschino party wearing, er, Moschino.

For some reason Katy has based her hairstyle on Catherine of Braganza, the unfortunate wife of Charles 11.

That is incomprehensible enough but Katy has also gone big on the teddy bear theme. She might consider taking her next holiday in South Korea where teddy bear mania is rife and they have three teddy bear museums. But she would be well advised to leave this jacket at home or she might find herself stuffed into a display case with people taking pictures of her.

Then there was actress and DJ Mia Moretti wearing Fausto Puglisi.

Umm….What is the point of a plunging décolletage without any visible tit? It is like giving a Porsche to someone who cannot drive. Meanwhile, Mia has seriously overdone the blusher and those sunglasses are just barking mad.

Next up is Swedish actress Noomi Rapace wearing Givenchy. As will appear below, Givenchy had a really crap week.

Is Noomi standing in front of one of those distorting mirrors found in funfairs?  Huge head, long body, little legs, tiny feet. Possibly as a result of looking in the mirror, she has become enraged at her appearance and seems to have hit herself repeatedly in the face, hence the black eyes and woeful expression.  The fabric is very Cath Kidston duvet cover and the only thing to be saved from this sorry mess is the brooch.

It is always nice to encounter excellent Belgian singer Stromae but not wearing this Valentino thing.

The coat is pretty. WTF would rather fancy herself in that coat. But were WTF to spend £5K on a coat, she would not team it with what look suspiciously like bottle green capri leggings and some very lairy-looking socks. The whole effect is that of a leprechaun going to a wedding.

Readers, I am NOT having an argument with you about this because one cannot sensibly review PFW 2015 without mentioning Kim Kardashian. This week she was on every Front Row, as ubiquitous as lefties in Kentish Town. If you really object, log off and come back next week or go straight to “It’s Got To Go”. The rest of you, have a receptacle handy because what follows is dire. 

Here is our subject wearing Givenchy.

Kim redefines the word “pointless” and her attempts to squeeze herself into too-small couture have become ever more ridiculous.  The words “fashion victim” have insufficient nuance. As WTF aficionado Debbie wisely observed, this outfit makes her look  as if she’s been captured in a lobster pot and the results could not be less flattering. And here she is again in yet another nonsensical Givenchy outfit, this time “adapted” from his menswear collection.

WTF has come to the conclusion that Kim was pictured all week with a coat or jacket  over her shoulders because her outfits were too small and had to be held together with giant safety pins at the back. With her fake tits and faker arse, she simply could not have fitted into the clothes as designed. The knitted librarian’s waistcoat over the pinstriped shirt and jacket combo are nearly as disturbing as the pee-pee porthole between the jacket, the woolly and the horrid peep-toe boots. But bad as the clothes were (and they were BAD), the real shocker was her bleached hair and her excessive facial contouring that left her resembling one of White Walkers from Game of Thrones.

In this week’s It’s Got To Go, WTF of  North London wishes to complain about the absurd hair sported by Manchester United Manager Louis Van Gaal.

WTF dislikes Van Gaal, whose dissing of lifelong United Fan Danny Welbeck after he sold him to Arsenal was repaid with knobs on last Monday when Welbeck scored the winner at Old Trafford to knock his old team out of the FA Cup. But she really dislikes his over-tousled and titillated hairstyle as if a terrier had landed randomly upon his head from on high. It’s Got To Go.

 OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep your excellent comments coming in, as WTF enjoys reading them and loves it when you then respond to each other. Suggestions are also welcomed for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers, 

 “When I use a word,’ Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, ‘it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less.” “The question is,’ said Alice, ‘whether you can make words mean so many different things.” “The question is,’ said Humpty Dumpty, ‘which is to be master — that’s all.” And Readers, what holds good for Humpty Dumpty holds good for the Chairman of the Tory Party, Grant Shapps. For years there were allegations against him that after his election in 2005, he had continued his second job as an author of Get Rich Quick books under the nom de plume Michael Green. WTF is not bothered here about matters of Parliamentary Protocol – for her, the issue is that Shapps consistently denied the allegations. In a radio interview only last month, he stated “I don’t have a second job and have never held a second job whilst being an MP, end of story”. But he did not mean he had never held a second job whilst being an MP. Of course not. What he meant was that he had held a second job whilst being an MP. Similarly, he had not lied about having a second job whilst being an MP. He had simply “over-firmly denied” it. Even better was the euphemism used by a Tory lickspittle wheeled out to defend Shapps. He had not lied, explained said lickspittle. He had just been “over-enthusiastic in his denials”. The denials are the problem but David Cameron has publicly supported him and so apparently it is fine for his Party Chairman to mislead everyone and apologise only when The Guardian had him bang to rights.

Well you know what, Readers? It isn’t fine. It isn’t even vaguely approximate to fine. It is seriously bloody un-fine because Shapps repeatedly denied something that was true. He may claim that he “screwed-up” the dates but why didn’t he check them? And you know what else, Readers? It is not fine to threaten one of your constituents, an ordinary man working as a chauffeur, with libel proceedings for stating that you worked as Michael Green after being an MP and to put him in fear of losing his home and every penny he has. It is not fine to instruct Messers Sue, Grabbit and Runne LLP at £400 an hour to write bullying letters demanding apologies and compensation and costs and all sorts. It is not fine to force your constituent to publish a retraction on Facebook to save his family from living in a cardboard box. In what skewed and perverted universe is it ever fine for a senior politician to bully a constituent into retracting something that is true? Shapps and Cameron should be ashamed but these days politicians don’t do shame, they just do squirm and spin and hold us all in contempt. And then they wonder why we are disaffected with politicians.

Let us switch from political outrage to sartorial outrage, starting with former Girls Aloud member Nicola Roberts who fancies herself as a fashionista. Here she is wearing vintage Norma Kamali at the Alexander McQueen Savage Beauty Victoria & Albert Museum VIP party .

This a sparkly housecoat. A hideous sparkly housecoat. And it is giving WTF a headache.

Another VIP guest was actress Emilia Fox wearing Bambah.

Oh dear. This is an anti-macassar with built-in fanny frill and it is very, very bad.

The next one is just plain weird. Meet style writer Harriet Verney attending the Alexander McQueen Savage Beauty Gala Dinner (that one was posher than the VIP event). Her escort here is milliner Philip Treacy.

The first Top Gear Stig was clad all in black before he was outed (name-wise) and replaced by one clad all in white.

Had the first Stig gone bank robbing before popping out for cocktails with his toenails painted, he would have chosen Harriet’s outfit.

Now to the launch of Kode magazine where we come across actress Victoria Justice wearing Gemy Maalouf.

Yikes! Victoria is very pretty but she looks as if she has been tattooed from tit to toe. Luckily she is wearing opaque panties but those groin garlands are deeply disturbing.

To the German launch of People magazine and actress Diane Kruger wearing Alexander McQueen.

And to compensate for this superabundance, there is not much back.

Floral tits. Heaving bosoms. A skirt with more flounces than a performance of La Cage aux Folles. Potential arse cleavage. Over-busy sandals. And hair like an Afghan hound. The word excessive has insufficient nuance.

She’s back! I refer to WTF regular, singer and wannabe actress Rita Ora wearing Jean Paul Gaultier.

Jean Paul has gone big on this half-a-jacket nonsense and Readers will recall Rose McGowan wearing one such only a few weeks ago. This is equally as silly with the added disadvantage of substantial boobage squished into a sparkling bra. Rita looks as if she has been mugged on the way to the strip club. Ghastly and then some.

The amFAR Gala in Hong Kong was organised by New York designer Kenneth Cole. Here he is, presumably wearing a suit of his own design.

WTF has previously had reason to criticise Kenneth’s trousers and their resemblance to a concertina but these particular trousers are the more like a pair of twisted liquorice sticks.

Indeed, she would go further and describe those trousers as totally and utterly shocking and the shiny shoes against the narrow ankles make him look clown-like. The ill-fitting jacket with its expanse of shirtfront and showcasing crumpled waistband is also to be deplored. This man is not an advertisement for his own wares.

Emcee at the Gala was Hong Kong DJ, actor and Cantopop lyricist Wyman Wong seen here with actress Hilary Tsui (who looks pretty although very curtainy).

More terrible trousers! What is going on in Hong Kong? Is it Terrible Trousers Week? As for the green silk bolero jacket and matching waistcoat, the effect is of a portly gypsy violinist. WTF can only conclude that the whole outfit shrank in the wash.

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes courtesy of WTF aficionado Trisha Shannon who is outraged at the  “eat before/best by” con trick practiced on the public. Trisha says “What happened to our ability to sniff the milk to see if it’s okay? Who doesn’t know that you can scrape that bit of mould off the cheese or the jam and the rest of it is perfectly fine? And who decided that this carrot or that apple are going to expire the day after tomorrow?”. Trisha ignored the “best by” date on a packet of dried yeast, knocked up some delicious bread and is still alive and well to tell the tale.  Obviously you need to take care with meat, poultry and fish but our profligate waste of food is an outrage. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There were some top comments last week as well as Trisha’s excellent suggestion for It’s Got To Go. Keep them coming and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

Last week, WTF excoriated slimeball Grant Shapps, Chairman of the Conservative Party, for not telling the truth about his business affairs and then threatening his constituent with a libel suit for pointing it out. Anya Palmer (@anyabike), who has been on Shapps’ case for years, disseminated the final paragraph of WTF’s indignation and asked “Why aren’t mainstream columnists not queuing up to say this?” . Which is a pertinent question and admits of no sensible answer save that mainstream columnists are so inured to politicians being economical with the truth that they no longer deem it to be newsworthy. Anya’s question was retweeted all week but Shapps continues in post with Cameron’s full backing. And this week we met another man with a warped view of the truth. Step forward Afzal Amin, the former prospective Conservative Parliamentary candidate for Dudley North. Those of you who have never been to Dudley, don’t worry that you’ve missed something special. You haven’t. Be that howsoever it may be, Amin decided that the best way to win this highly marginal seat (Labour majority: 600) was to do a deal with the far-right English Defence League and its then leader, former jailbird Tommy Robinson. The EDL would announce a march in protest against a new mosque to be built in the centre of Dudley. Amin then would step in, “persuade” them to call off a march that was never going to happen and attribute his triumph to the mediation skills learned as an army officer in Afghanistan. This triumph of mendacity, an act of political Munchhausen’s By Proxy, was stymied when Robinson, displaying core Conservative values of chicanery, commercial nous and collecting cash of which Amin would surely approve, flogged a tape of their deal to the Mail on Sunday. Amin tried to brazen it out but within 36 hours he had “resigned” from the Party and disappeared back into obscurity. Had he not stepped down, however, he would have faced a disciplinary procedure conducted by….Grant Shapps, which would be like Reggie Kray chairing an investigation into Ronnie. A spokesman later announced that Shapps had welcomed Amin’s “resignation”. Oh the irony…

Amin was a minnow. Like the gourd in the story of Jonah, he came up in the night and went down in the night, a transitory entertainment for the chattering classes. Shapps is different – 41 days from the General Election, it would be just too embarrassing to drop him. Not that Shapps has shown any sign of embarrassment and WTF would bet a pound to a pinch of shit that he isn’t embarrassed, just cross that he was rumbled.  This week it turned out that even the apology issued for him by Tory Central Office was inaccurate but then brass neck is the new shame. Some people might regard the concerns expressed by WTF and Anya and all those who retweeted Anya as the outpourings of leftie Guardianistas with an axe to grind and that these things don’t matter. Well, if integrity and honesty don’t matter then we have all gone to hell in a handcart. And arrived.

Let us leave the week’s political fiascos and examine the week’s fashion fiascos, starting with famous-for-something-but-nobody-knows-quite-what-apart-from-Lionel-Richie-being-her-dad, TV star Nicole Richie wearing Balmain.

Has Nicole left the hanger in? Those shoulders are more padded than an asylum full of padded cells and that thing on her head resembles a tricorn hat  someone has dunked in a bucket of water. As for the pink hair, it is not to be spoken of. 

This is Dancing With The Stars star dancer Julianne Hough wearing Monique Lhullier.

This dress is clearly inspired by those moulds you use to make rocket ice lollies. That is all.

Here is actor and playwright Stephen Berkoff looking a right idiot, seen here with his wife Shelly Lee.

Stephen was in Beverly Hill Cop, one of WTF’s favourite films (actually, the sequel was even better) and so he will always command some residual affection. That said, nothing can excuse this excrescence, from the tea-cosy hat to the lairy tartan jacket designed for a golf-playing giant to the concentration camp trousers. His wife’s expression says it all.

More terrible trousers, this time on the fragrant Amal Clooney, top lawyer and wife of St George of Clooney, wearing Giambattista Valli.

Well these are colourful. In the same way as a bad acid trip is colourful and made worse by the hairy crop-top, like a baby Esau (this is turning out to be a very Biblical edition).

Next we have Rihanna out to dinner wearing Dries van Noten. Well, I say “wearing”…

There has been a positive mania recently for outfits where the wearer seems to have emerged from a gas explosion. This particular blast has ripped the legs off Rihanna’s jeans and blown off her top and her bra. Someone needs to throw a blanket over her……

Say hallo to our old friend, stylist and fashionista Brad Goreski at the GLAAD Awards in LA, wearing Maison Valentino.

WTF hates a shit-brown suit almost above all things. But not as much as she hates a shit-brown suit with butterflies embroidered all over it and worn with tri-tone brogues. Brad also bears a most unfortunate resemblance to Sinn Fein Leader Gerry Adams.

Here is professional car crash and sometime actress Lindsay Lohan wearing a dress (well, I say a “dress”) by For Love and Lemons and a lot of furry dead animal.

If there is a single good thing about this outfit, WTF would like to know what it is. Apart from the deceased mammals, there is the Minge Moment dress with transparent hem, the toning floppy hat, the appallingly fake-tanned legs the colour of a gingernut biscuit complete with foot-blotch and hideous platform fuck-me shoes. And it must also be observed that Lindsay must be the world’s oldest-looking 29-year-old.

Finally, to weird and wonderful actress Phoebe Price wearing who knows what…

What is going on here? After scratching her head in a bemused sort of way, WTF can only conclude that Phoebe is staging a one-woman show of Oliver and is wearing the Artful Dodger’s top hat and Nancy’s dress.

There are tits on display like a couple of hillocks in the Nevada desert and the cut of the dress widens her hips and shortens her legs like Toulouse-Lautrec. What the fringed jacket has to do with the price of fish, WTF cannot say.

This week’s It’s Got To Go concerns both racist boor Jeremy Clarkson, who had to go and actually went, and his supporters whose inalienable right to watch him zooming around in overpriced cars apparently trumps the right of producer Oisin Tymon not to be punched in the face for failing to sort out a steak supper. How very dare he complain about being assaulted? ONE MILLION people signed the petition demanding Clarkson’s reinstatement even before the full facts had emerged, ghastly mainstream columnists like Richard Littlejohn, Rod Liddle and Katie Hopkins  extolled his virtues and his sense of Britishness and our idiot Prime Minister waded in to defend his mate. The general view seems to be that it was Oisin’s duty to be abused verbally for several minutes and then to be abused physically for a full 30 seconds and that he should man up and take his punishment. The twitter-twats went further. Oisin didn’t just deserve a punch but a bullet. Not the bullet. A bullet. A Special mention to @BigBarn6900 who expressed the view that “Clarkson could rape someone and we wouldn’t care”. Nice. On Wednesday night, WTF tweeted that she was “depressed to be living in a world full of wankers who think it’s OK to threaten a victim of a crime because he’s a victim”. And she still is, Readers, she still is.

Alright Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those top comments coming in and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next week. Be good.