Hallo Readers,

So we had the seven-way Leaders’ Election Debate after all, lined up behind their lecterns like the Seven Dwarves and kept in squabbling order by ITV’s Julie Etchingham who was done up in a dental nurse’s uniform. There was a clear winner but unless you are resident in Scotland, you can vote neither for her nor her party.  I refer to the First Minister of Scotland and Leader of the Scottish Nationalist Party, Nicola Sturgeon who was focussed, persuasive, a master of the facts and generally awesome. Sadly, Nicola is not standing for Parliament and she does not want Scotland to be part of the United Kingdom so she could be the political equivalent of Indira Gandhi, Hillary Clinton and Aung San Suu Kyi but we non-Caledonians cannot have her, only a tantalising glimpse of what we haven’t got and wish we had. The answer is clear. We should reverse the rest of the UK into Scotland. Failing that, we could vote Labour and get her to boss Ed Miliband about in a Coalition. Simples.  Natalie Bennett and Plaid Cymru’s Leanne Wood, fetchingly got up like a character from Mad Men with beehive and cardigan, were somewhat overshadowed by Sturgeon but set out their beliefs and principles and Wood got extra points for telling Nigel Farage where to shove his racism. They didn’t shout and they didn’t snipe. It was a nice change.

As for the men, Ed continued to astound the public by showing them that he could walk and chew gum at the same time although he would be well advised to lose that Moonie stare into the camera which proved to be quite unnerving. Nick Clegg was smooth as a baby’s bum, roundly condemning the Tories and seemingly forgetting that he had been in Government with them for five years. Not to mention the fact that he broke his promise on tuition fees even before he’d got to his new office. Nigel Farage, sweating up a storm and attired in a pinstripe suit that sent viewers scurrying to the bathroom for their migraine tablets, mentioned Europe in every sentence and then self-destructed by referring to the NHS sinking beneath the weight of HIV-infected foreigners. Oh…and there was David Cameron who apparently is the Prime Minister. During the debate he faded away like the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland so that only his smirk remained. But Readers, if you want to hear more from our Glorious Leader, be of good cheer. This week, Dave spoke at length to Heat Magazine. Why fuck about with six rivals or suffer the indignity of a dressing down from Jeremy Paxman when he could sit in his armchair at No 10 and answer questions about whether he prefers ketchup to brown sauce? Dave further revealed that he was related (albeit distantly) to the Kardashians. If he has to relinquish that armchair come 8 May, he can always go for a guest slot on their reality show – assuming of course that they know who he is.

We have a bumper week of fashion horror this week which is just as well as it will have to last you until 17 April. (WTF is off to Cornwall for some bracing sea air). We start at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Awards in Los Angeles with the former Mr Mariah Carey Nick Cannon wearing an orange suit and Christian Louboutin loafers.

Nick is dressed as an extra from Guys and Dolls and looks exactly like a walking Starburst sweet complete with Tetris shoes and a navy Fedora. Epic…

Also in attendance was Jennifer Lopez wearing Roberto Cavalli. 

Hair like Medusa, buckets of makeup, white stilettos, peekaboo panels and way too short. At a show for kiddies. What’s not to dislike?

Let us interpose Kylie Minogue wearing Jean-Paul Gaultier at his latest exhibition in Paris.

WTF hates pleated tits almost as much as she hates conical tits and this dress has both as well as the ugliest tit-seams in the history of ever. And the dress also has peek-a-boo panels which WTF hates almost above all things AND a stupid swooshy thing. Shocking.

The iHeartRadio Awards in Los Angeles must have set a new record for the number of excruciatingly dressed people in one place. Let us begin with singer Justin Timberlake wearing Versace.

Whatever the prize was for, it was certainly not for the suit. The colour is fine but the jacket is from the Norman Wisdom School of too-short-too-tight and the sleeves and crotch have more rucks and creases than Tracy Emin’s infamous bed.

Then there was actress Hailee Steinfeld wearing Dior Couture. Dior Couture! Ye Gods….

The side view is worse.

The cheap B&Q lampshade skirt and the shiny robot boots with jelly-baby heels are hideous but the smoked perspex tit-guard like a police riot shield is beyond perspexing. Is she a messy eater or is she worried about being pelted with eggs? Raf Simons certainly should be…

Talking of yolks, here is former World Heavyweight champion Mike Tyson.

The fool who advised Mike to dress up as a Pantone colour chart with white loafers two sizes too big for him must be praying that he does not unleash a  right hook upon seeing this photograph. Because if this is not provocation, WTF does not know what is.

Then there was actress Jessica Szohr wearing Bec and Bridge.

Tutankhamen meets Aphrodite, having both got dressed in the dark – and it doesn’t even fit. No wonder poor Jessica is grimacing. The rest of us certainly are…

Say hallo to Boy George. Who knows where he got this outfit?

The writing on the trackie bottoms is probably squiggle for pillock. And what’s with the Lubavitch Rabbi hat?

Now this is a treat. Meet Carice van Houten (aka Melisandre from Games of Thrones) wearing Martin Grant.

Given the way that Melisandre carries on, sacrificing people willy-nilly (with emphasis on the willy), it will be useful for her to have a bin-bag skirt so that she can simply wipe away the blood splashes. Plus she can reverse it and use the plastic side as a ground sheet for rumpy pumpy. 

And then there was a person going by the name of Lord KraVen,  a “singer” of whom WTF had previously been blissfully unaware, wearing an outfit of his own design….

This is very Game of Thrones and twice as camp. At first glance it is not easy to see which bits are his and which bits aren’t, like a weird creature thing emerging from a pair of leather topboots. In fact this is a trompe l’oeil with the knitted leather tunic overhanging leather trousers over leather bootees. And those eyebrows are like the McDonalds’ arches.

Setting a new low even for her we have Madonna wearing Alexander Wang.

Frankly this is more Alexander Wank and Madge seems to be standing in a sieve held on by that ridiculous belt. Wank showed this on the catwalk with only panties underneath so we can but be grateful for Madge’s black opaque body but any bonus points gained for that are instantly deducted for the fishnet tights, the badger’s bum roots and the driving gloves.

Finally, is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s Beyoncé at the launch of hers and Jay-Z’s new music streaming service, Tidal, wearing LaQuan Smith.

Jay-Z was wearing an old sweatshirt and trousers but for some reason his wife decided to pitch up at a daytime event dressed as  Superman’s baby sister complete with nappy, tits, fishnets (with open toed sandals!!!!) and a lace cape. She wasn’t performing onstage so did she just want to hog the limelight? She wouldn’t do that – would she?

This week’s It’s Got To Go has been nominated by a number of Readers appalled by the ghastly Kay Burley who is making her second appearance in this section and for good reason. What has got them (and WTF) all hot and bothered was Kay’s moderation of the first election non-debate between Cameron and Miliband. Well I say between – they never actually shared a stage. Not only was Kay so far up Dave’s bottom that you could barely see the soles of her shoes but she gave the most partisan display of partisanship since the Stalin show trials. Sadly Kay’s high opinion of herself is not based on anything concrete like talent. She has definitely has Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep the comments coming in as WTF just loves reading them as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again on 17 April 2015. Be good and don’t overdo the chocolate eggs. x

Hallo Readers,

So here we are nearly at the end of Week 3 of the General Election. It seems much, much longer, doesn’t it? WTF can feel herself dying inside, atrophied like one of Tutankhamen’s testicles. Hour upon hour a party apparatchik appears on the airwaves and mouths some pre-rehearsed mantra which they then repeat regardless of the  question put to them or whether it has anything whatsoever to do with the price of fish.  Labour and Tories are both guilty of this but this Tuesday brought a particularly ripe example with a Triumvirate of Tory Toadies, sadly all  women. You could barf out your breakfast listening to Theresa May, Home Secretary, lose your lunch listening to Liz Truss, Environment Secretary and then throw up your tea listening to Priti Patel, Exchequer Secretary to the Treasury. None of them appeared to have the faintest idea how the Tories were going to pay for the billions of pounds they were promising to lavish on the NHS. Instead they parroted out their answers in a manner that would make any self-respecting parrot bang its head repeatedly on the bars of its cage in a bid for unconsciousness. Priti in particular was pretty fucking awful. “Where is the money coming from, Ms Patel?” “We have a strong economic plan”. “But where is the money coming from Ms Patel?” “We have a strong economic plan”. “Yes, but where is the money coming from Ms Patel?” “We have a strong economic plan”.  “Tea or coffee, Ms Patel?” “We have a strong economic plan”. They are not talking to us and they are not talking to the interviewers. They just want a soundbite and then they move on to dodge the same questions posed by someone else. Either they think people don’t notice or they don’t care. 

In the main, you just look at this lot and hate them. Not dislike them or despise them but really, really hate them. You want to take your 42 inch HD all-bells-and-whistles TV or your state-of-the-art DAB Digital radio and jump up and down on it until it lies in smithereens and people stop wittering on about backstabbing and strong economic plans and difficult decisions and last night’s buzzword coalition of chaos and what the Labour Government should have done/could have done/failed to do in 13 years and what the Coalition should have done/could have done/failed to do in 5 years and just answer the bloody question.

Meanwhile, WTF’s  Election Rotten Eggs Awards go to:

*Chuka Umuna, smug, smooth and unctuous like a High Class Car dealer;

*David Cameron for being too chickenshit-scared to debate Miliband face to face;

*Michael Fallon, a man who redefines insignificance, for branding Miliband a backstabber for standing in an open election against his brother;

*Liz Truss for endorsing Fallon’s embarrassing epithet and attacking Miliband’s character, having herself cheated on her husband with a Tory frontbencher who was also married (Liz is clearly an irony-free zone); and last but not least

*Nigel Farage for being Nigel Farage, but especially for suggesting that NHS is awash with HIV-infected foreign persons stealing drugs from Blighty-born Brits.

A plague on all their houses. Roll on 7 May.

We now leave political disasters and consider fashion disasters, starting with the Olivier Theatre Awards and actress Claire Sweeney.

Claire seems to have decorated her dress with road-kill. Which is just plain weird.

Next to Brazil and an AIDS-fundraiser where we come across Kylie Minogue wearing Jean Paul Gaultier.

Jean Paul has gone big on this half and half thing and has gift-wrapped Kylie in half a shocking pink parachute. It is very silly, as if someone had sliced a pair of Kylies in half and then reassembled them the wrong way round.

Here is singer Katy Perry at the Coachella festival in California wearing this ghastly Moschino thing.

When @WTF_EEK tweeted this picture of Katy on Sunday, there was much speculation whether she was wearing plaits as braces, the provenance of the hair in the said plaits, was the bra made from horse brasses and why she was wearing chaps made from a tablecloth over Spanx Power Panties. WTF is unable to answer any of these questions but she does observe that there is a striking similarity between Katy and the little girl who catches Mogli’s eye at the end of The Jungle Book.

To the MTV Movie Awards in LA and young actress Hailee Steinfeld wearing Rodarte. 

Every item of clothing on display is double-dog-ugly from the sheer olive green blouse to the fish-skirt complete with inbuilt fisherman’s net to the vile gladiator bootees. Think Russell Crowe as Maximus in drag going fishing. Are you not entertained? No, actually….

Here is dancer/rapper/Heaven-know-what Redfoo wearing Heaven-knows-what.

A shorts suit (which WTF hates almost above all things) made from an old deckchair. Putrid.

And of course there was actress Bai Ling dressed as a dragon. 

Regular Readers will know that WTF is obsessed with Game of Thrones and it seems Bai Ling shares that obsession and has dressed as one of Khaleesi’s dragons complete with mesh loincloth and horned tits. It is fortunate that LA is warm as it would have been tricky to slip a coat on…..

Talking of Game of Thrones, here is Oona Chaplin (aka Talisa Stark) wearing Stella McCartney.

Talisa met a very nasty end in Series 3 and Oona’s floppy, dropped-crotch sleepsuit with cheap-looking lace trim is little better. Stella has the temerity to charge £2,050 for this rubbish and is clearly taking the piss.

Another in our series of appalling-dressed footballers, this week featuring Aston Villa’s Charles N’Zogbia reporting for training.

As one appalled tweet observed, he looks like he has been shat out by Cath Kidston. No wonder he is wearing those shades indoors.

Finally, we have singer Toni Braxton wearing Zeynep Erdogan.

Toni love. You look brilliant for 47 or any age. But just because you can wear a decomposing raffia basket as a skirt and draw on your copious boobage with a magic marker does not mean that you should. And lose those dangly things preventing a full-on Minge Moment – they are creepy. Meanwhile, note to Zeynep – those are the worst seams WTF ever did see in her life.

This week’s It’s Got To Go is about obscenely priced shoes. Like these Louboutins worn by the bride when she married the heir to the Sultan of Brunei on Sunday – yours for £2,495 (the shoes, not the heir). And as if they were not sparkly enough, they were worn with a solid gold anklet. Shame about the Norah Batty wrinkly pop socks…

But some of you might not be on an economy drive and may fancy something a little more fancy. Like these Louboutin horrors with a 6 inch heel, yours for only £3,795. Why stint yourself?

OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. The paucity of comments for the last blog caused WTF to get all worked up with worry so keep them coming in and don’t forget your suggestions for It’s Got To Go whilst you’re at it. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

Has David Cameron developed agoraphobia? Or even worse, anthrophobia? I ask because throughout this election campaign Dave has done his best to avoid going anywhere or meeting anyone (including the Leader of the Opposition  – clearly a case of Miliphobia) and that reluctance continues. He isn’t out pounding the streets and pressing the flesh. He isn’t standing on a soapbox, like John Major did in 1992. Instead he is more cocooned than an agoraphobic pupa with anxiety issues. His battle bus trundles up and down but Dave isn’t actually on it – a reporter disclosed that he flies to wherever it is or takes the Prime Ministerial Limo and then hops on board just near the point of arrival, like a marathon runner taking a bus for the first 26 miles and then sprinting to the finishing line. WTF can of course understand why Dave would not want to be trapped in a closed vehicle with Grant Shapps – most of us would rather dip our heads in a bucket of shit than go down the drive with him, let alone travel hundreds of miles up and down the land. But that does not excuse the total lack of engagement with the great unwashed whom he wants to vote for him. Instead, Dave does photo opportunities. Here is Dave cuddling a lambkin. Here is Dave pretending to read a book with toddlers. Lambkins and toddlers cannot vote. Nor can they tell Dave that he is talking bollocks. Here is Dave doing palm-painting with Boris Johnson and pretending to enjoy it whereas, as WTF’s late grandmother would say, he would drown him a thimbleful of water. Here is Dave in a hard hat and high visibility jacket inspecting a building site but not actually talking to any builders, only to their (presumably Tory-voting) bosses. He seems to regard the ordinary punter with the same suspicion as Howard Hughes viewed germs. Hughes suffered from advanced mysophobia – Dave seems to come down with voterphobia and it is apparently incurable. He looks listless and uninterested.  Does he actually want to win?

Dave has also developed Scotophobia. Having bleated and blathered about the importance of maintaining the Union and begging the Scots not to leave, he is now incensed that they want to play a part in governing a nation that they are still a part of.  How very dare they?  So the relentless negativity of the Tory campaign continues. It started off with “Don’t vote Ed”.  Once that failed to appeal, it moved to “Ed is a backstabber”. That also failed to catch on and so now we have progressed onto “Don’t let the Jocks In”. It is like a man begging his wife not to divorce him and then refusing her access to the matrimonial bed once she’s torn up the petition. The fact that the nation has gone Nicola Nuts suggests that this is not a winning strategy. Meanwhile, whatever they’re paying Lynton Crosby, they’ve been robbed….

Vestiphobia is the fear of clothing. WTF suffer from crapvestiphobia, fear of bad clothing, and given this week’s selection with good reason. We start with Maxine Peake, aka Martha in Silk, at the premiere of her new film The Falling wearing I know not what.

For some reason the lovely and talented Maxine is dressed as one of the chorus in HMS Pinafore. Those are very ridiculous trousers. Very ridiculous indeed.

And here are some more very ridiculous trousers, this time with Blake Lively in them wearing Balmain.

Sorry, have I missed the announcement? Is this Ridiculous Trousers Week? This was one of 14 outfits Blake wore in 48 hours whilst plugging her new movie The Age of Adaline. Even Marie Antoinette did not wear 14 outfits in 48 hours, especially ones making her look like a clown on stilts….

We move onto LA and a very pregnant Jaime King wearing Burberry at the Burberry Party.

Oh dear Lord. The pregnancy bump is not the issue. The issue is what is (or in this case what is not) covering the pregnancy bump. Why is Jaime out in public clad in a sea-green nightie and big black knickers, accessorised with a furry pelt last seen on a Sesame Street puppet and a pair of hideous bootees? It is as much a mystery as the Bermuda Triangle.

To the American Country Music Awards, always a rich seam of sartorial shockingness, and young singer Kelsea Ballerini (and yes, that is her real name) wearing I know not what.

WTF hates a mullet skirt almost above all things and there is also a bodice like Mickey Mouse’s ears. Kelsea is 21 but looks about 14 and seems to have been rummaging in Momma’s dressing up basket….

And what music event would be complete without Steven Tyler looking silly?

What was the dress code for the ACM this year? Kelsea is wearing Mickey Mouse ears as a tit-cover and Steve is wearing a Roy Lichtenstein face on his thigh with a giant mouth nuzzling his knee. We can but be grateful that it is only his knee. And these trousers now have their own hashtag, #iamstevenspants.

Here is Miley Cyrus (r) at an event honouring Joan Jett (l).

I mean, we all do things differently, don’t we? Some people honour their heroes with a song. Some paint a picture or write a gushing article or make a speech. In Miley’s case, she wears a leather dress with a double-tit-window and nipple pasties with Joan’s initials on them.

But bad as the nipple pasties are, and they are very bad, worse is to come in the form of Hollyoaks actress Stephanie Davis wearing (if that is the word WTF is looking for, which manifestly it is not) Lemon Lunar, yours for only £59 99.

The dress is horrible but not nearly as horrible as the expanse of crotch on show. Panties are quite bad enough but side-pube is something else altogether and must not be allowed, not even at all, ever. Still more so on both sides, complete with tattoo and cigarette….

This week’s It’s Got To Go arises from WTF’s various trips through airport security and the number of thick-as-double-dogshit people who still do not appear to understand the (admittedly annoying) rules about what they need to remove from themselves and their bags before they are scanned. It is not as if there aren’t signs aplenty en route but they wait until the very moment of arrival at the table before proceeding to unpack toiletries various, find and unzip laptop and iPad cases with more to-d0 than the unveiling a new Apple innovation, peel off various layers of clothing and then take 5 minutes wriggling out of their absurdly inappropriate footwear. GET A MOVE ON, YOU MORONS!!! It has definitely Got to Go.

OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. There were loads of comments last week which made WTF beam from ear to ear like a lunatic, so keep them coming in as well as your comments for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers, 

This has been the most bizarre election WTF can remember. Here are some reflections on the show so far.

• It seems a good bet that nobody is actually going to win an outright majority but neither Cameron nor Miliband will accept this, or at least not in public. They bat away their suitors like a doughty spinster in a Henry James novel. They both say they want a majority. (Who wouldn’t? WTF wants to look like Sofia Vergara but, as Miliband would say, it ain’t gonna happen). They also say they have no Plan B but absolutely no one believes them so either they are lying (very likely) or deluded (more than likely).  Which prompted the thought – is Labour’s Plan B the Liberal Democrats?
• No-one has really dropped a bollock. No-one has been egged. (A candidate was bitten by a dog but this is not thought to have been a political protest by the pooch). Since most of the Leaders have not gone anywhere near a real voter until last night’s BBC Question Time, there were no angry street encounters, no denunciations and no waving of digits. Indeed, given that the blunt-as-fuck-we’re-Yorkshire-and-well-‘ard Question Time audience were more vicious and unrelenting than a pack of rabid Rottweilers, you could sort of see why they had all hitherto steered clear. That lot made Jeremy Paxman look like Gandhi on Prozac. 
• What the rabid audience proved last night is voters do not want to be fobbed off. They want answers. They want to know whether Cameron is planning to cut benefits, and if so which ones.  They want to know whether Labour acknowledges it made mistakes in its handling of the economy because they want to know if they can trust them with it this time. They want to know what are the parties’ proposals on immigration and whether those proposals will work. And they know that they have not had good enough answers which just entrenches their prejudices and increases their resentment.
• The SNP are going to decimate Labour’s vote in Scotland so they are now claiming droit de seigneur and demanding that Labour share the matrimonial mattress, whether they want the match or not. Miliband has declared that he would rather take a vow of chastity than tie the knot or even live in sin. Which is all very well but where does it leave him? He has painted himself into a corner. Either he does a deal and looks like a liar or he fails to form a Government and will carry the blame for ushering in another Conservative Government. And if the Scots are disaffected now, just wait until they have another Tory administration rammed down their throats. It is a recipe for disaster. As WTF pointed out last week, either Scotland is part of the UK or it isn’t. And if it is, they have as much right to have a say in a coalition as anyone else.
• The campaign started off weirdly when the Tories vowed to spend, spend, spend on the NHS (without identifying the source of the largesse) whilst Labour vowed to get back together with Gordon Brown’s old fiscal friend Prudence. It got weirder when Cameron, who had been languid and bored throughout the campaign, realised that he needed more oomph as a matter of urgency and turned into Mr Shouty-Man, waving his arms about like a Slovakian shot-putter on Steroids.  Meanwhile Miliband, in an attempt to win over the yoof vote, took tea with Russell Brand clad in a suit and tie and then overcompensated by speaking in a patois so dense that even Ali G would need subtitles. It was like Face Off when John Travolta and Nicolas Cage swap appearances.
• Although nothing was as daft as Cameron eating a hotdog at a garden party WITH A KNIFE AND FORK. No one does that. No one.
• WTF’s favourite moment was when Tory Chairman Grant Shapps was accused of doctoring his and other Cabinet Ministers’ Wikipedia entries, something he blamed on Labour’s Dirty Tricks Department. Admittedly Shapps’ denials are not worth much but since then he has not been seen, not even at the hustings in his own consistency.  Where can he be? Has he been locked in a cupboard at Tory Central Office for the duration? Let us hope they drilled enough air holes.

We now turn to the week’s sartorial shit-pile with the dancer Valentin Chmerkovskiy from the US hit show Dancing with the Stars.

Is Valentin a somnambulist? I only ask because he turned up at the Radio Disney Music Awards in puce paisley pyjamas. Which is nearly as offensive as his turning up in coordinating puce bootees with his puce paisley pyjamas.

This is Irish TV Weather Person Jean Byrne wearing Clare O’Connor at the VIP Style Awards 2015 in Dublin.

Style Awards! Oh the irony! Gaul was divided into 3 parts and so is Jean – one part Elizabethan floral ruff, one part black taffeta dress and one part pantomime horse. What are those hooves? They are as ugly as anything WTF ever did see in her life…

And now a departure from the normal picture size to include the nonsensical nonsense that is footballer Alex Song‘s nonsensical outfit, particularly the hat.

WTF was struggling for the mot juste and then she found it. Prat. Alex is a prat in a Mountie hat, mirror sunglasses like a LA Motorcycle Cop, Mayoral-size chain and itsy-bitsy rolled up sleeves. Abject.

What is it about sportsmen and stupid hats? Here is another fashion victim, racing driver Lewis Hamilton.

Another prat in a hat. More sunglasses (worn in the dark, which WTF hates almost above all things). More artfully-distressed, overpriced denim. More bling than a warehouseful of bling. £23 million a year and this is the best he can do?

We now travel to Faces Nightclub in Essex, beloved of TOWIE cast members and footballers, where we encounter celebritee Amber Rose, former inamorata of Kanye West.

Amber was on a UK tour, but promoting what is unclear. Here she is keeping it classy in a onesie made from that rubber mesh you use to protect grass. There is also a little cape like Batman and some ludicrous Batman sunglasses (also worn in the dark). The expression of the bloke next to her says it all. 

Diva de luxe Mariah Carey rolled into Las Vegas on Monday like the Queen of Sheba in a 1936 pink convertible.

Criticism is alien to WTF’s nature but Mariah seems to be encased in a sparking sausage skin. Particular exception is taken to the encrusted tits and groin and the visible panties…

Meanwhile, we can all see that Mariah is lovely and curvy so why does she look like this on her new album cover? Because she doesn’t look like that any more than WTF looks like Sofia Vergara…

Finally, outrage awaits us in the form of Chrissy Teigen, model and wife of singer John Legend, wearing Zuhair Murad to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

At first sight, WTF thought the dress was striking but too titsy. Then she saw the side view. Take a deep breath, Readers…

Oh. My. Goodness. Me. This is a full-on Minge Moment. Indeed it is a Mega-Mammoth-Minge-Moment. Put it away woman, for Heaven’s sake. This is the White House. Those panties are not up to the job, but WTF presents her compliments to Chrissy’s waxing technician.

In last week’s It’s Got To Go, WTF complained about those selfish sods who wait until arrival at the table when you load stuff for the airport scanner before rummaging in their luggage for forbidden items and stripping off their jackets, belts and boots. Readers have been following through with similar pet hates. Alessandra is angered by people in bus queues who wait until they board before searching for their oyster card (which is always at the bottom of the one of the multiple bags they are carrying). Lesley Anne loathes people queuing at cash registers who search for their wallet only after their purchases have been scanned. Lottie is livid about commuters who dawdle in crowds, stop suddenly without warning and run over her toes with their wheelie bags. And Ruth rants about people walking whilst texting who narrowly avoid death by motorcar. These groups definitely have all Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There were loads of comments last week so that WTF was skipping about like those little lambs Cameron likes to be photographed with. And, as you have just read, there was strong feedback for It’s Got To Go. Keep it all coming and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

WTF spent Election Night in Essaouira, an old walled town in Morocco with very dodgy wifi and no TV and reliant on the internet for news of  the results. She lost the soothing tones of James Naughtie on Radio 4 during the night and was in paroxysms of fear of a veritable Comical Ali moment. However, it turns out as predicted by the exit polls at 10 pm, it has all gone right for Cameron and Sturgeon and tits up for everyone else. A few random thoughts.

As far as WTF is concerned, it is a nightmare on every level.

• The Tories ran a cynical, negative campaign with the basic messages a. Don’t let Miliband in and b. Don’t let the marauding Scots in on the back of letting Miliband  in. They lied that Miliband would be in thrall to the SNP and repeated that lie at every opportunity in the face of clear denials, which they in turn described as lies. And this cost Labour votes in England.
• But let us be clear. Miliband fought a good campaign but it was not good enough and too many people just did not see him as Prime Ministerial material. Or Ed Balls as Chancellor material. Or Labour as Government material.
• Labour however has no one but itself to blame for the wipeout in Scotland because parts of the Scottish Labour Party has long been arrogant, bent, sexist and bigoted, taking their support for granted and speaking only for each other. And Labour in England is to blame because it did not stop it.
• How now do we persuade the Scots to stay in the Union? And why should they? They have been treated with contempt by both the major parties and seen with same enthusiasm as Edward 1 viewed William Wallace. Yet they are the third biggest Parliamentary party.
• A Lib Dem MP is now rarer than rocking horse shit. They have been punished for their naked opportunism dressed up as the public interest. If there is one thing the British cannot be doing with, it is naked opportunism.
• Too many people voted UKIP however many seats they won. And it looks like we don’t have to put up with Farage. But the fact they have so few seats compared to the SNP but more than twice the votes is just not democratic. Our system is wrong and it needs changing.
• The behaviour of the British press during the campaign by and large was beyond nauseating. Goebbels would have been embarrassed. The spirit of the Zinoviev letter lives on. And the worst thing? It worked…

Fuck it. I’m going back to bed.

Let me cheer myself up with some really excruciating fashion from the Met Ball. The theme was China – Through The Looking Glass although you would not guess it from most of the costumes. Let us start with someone who at least made an effort, Chloe Sevigny wearing J W Anderson.

The Duchess of Windsor apparently learned her blowjob technique in the brothels of Shanghai and Chloe (once seen on screen administering one such to her then boyfriend Vincent Gallo) appears to be paying homage to Wallis in this ludicrous ensemble complete with shingled hair and a be-bowed bodice like a straight jacket with tits.

Next we have Diane Kruger wearing Chanel.

This is about as Chinese as Diane’s left buttock, basically a strapless top made from an old greying thermal vest and worn over equally ancient long johns with an net curtain wrapped around the hips for a pretend train. Horrid.

Then there was Miley Cyrus wearing Alexander Wang.

Another nonsense from Alexander Wank. Is this supposed to be attractive? Miley’s scrawny hipbones are jutting out and her neck is encased in a studded collar leaving her head floating above it like a nodding doggie.

Here is a gruesome twosome if ever I saw one. Meet Katy Perry and designer Jeremy Scott, now at the helm of Moschino.

There is fun. And there is folly. Meanwhile, happened to Jeremy’s bow tie?

Now we have Sienna Miller wearing Thakoon.

Make that Buffoon. Unless the Chinese went in for near-topless bullfighting, WTF is struggling to see the relevance of this to the price of fish and adding a couple of bell-pulls just doesn’t count….

Next up is Sarah Jessica Parker wearing H&M and a Philip Treacy head thing.

It is as if Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard was singing Turandot. “I’m ready for my closeup now Mr De Mille…”

You do wonder how some of this lot got invited. Like rapper FKA Twigs wearing Christopher Kane, pictured with fiancé Robert Pattison.

Robert previously stepped out with Kristen Stewart and WTF can only conclude that he likes his women manky. Mind you, Robert looks pretty manky himself and to be frank, they both need a good hosing down. As for the dress, not only is she being groped from all angles but it also features a penis on her left hip. Which is a first, even for the Met Ball.

Is this Christopher’s new calling card? It should be.

This is Solange Knowles wearing Giles. We will get to her sister shortly.

What the actual fuck? No really. Is she standing behind something? Is it back to front? How do you get through doors? Particularly the one marked EXIT.

And now Readers a trio of sheer vulgarity. As you know WTF hates sheer almost above all things but this year really was the pits. Ready? You won’t be….

First, cue for torrents of abuse from some of you. Well tough. It’s my bloody blog. Here is Kim Kardashian wearing Peter Dundas for Roberto Cavalli. And majorly ripped off from Beyoncé at the same event 3 years back.

 And this is the rear view…

Time was when Anna Wintour would not even have let KK though the tradesman’s entrance yet here she is. And for what? To give us yet another Minge Moment and to flash her fake tits and ridiculous fake arse like a lacy hippo rising from a feather duster. …

And then there was Jennifer Lopez wearing Versace.

There was little enough front, Readers, but there was even less side.

When you say of someone there is no side to her, you don’t usually mean it so literally.  Is JLo not a little old to be flashing her arse? And whoever did her makeup went way overboard with the blusher. She might have gone several rounds with Floyd Mayweather.

And last there was Beyoncé wearing Givenchy.

Bey arrived fashionably late or maybe Riccardo Tisci was just getting the UHU out and sticking a few more little jewelled things over her groin like a couture vajazzle. 

Is there such a thing as an arse vajazzle? Because there was one of those as well. Yes she has a banging body but you know what? We’ve seen it. The shoes are grotesque and the hair is like the tail on a pantomime horse.

Here is the thing about all three of these so-called ladies. They are pathetic. LOOK AT ME!!! HERE’S MY MINGE!!!! LOOK!!!!! YOU CAN SEE MY ARSE!!!! Yes we can. And we’re bored to death. Kardashian has nothing to commend her but the other two have talent. So why do they need to keep doing this? Why do talented women need to turn out as burlesque dancers? This is not empowerment, not even of any kind. This is vulgarity.

This week’s topic was nominated by WTF aficionado Alison – those awful vox pop interviews accompanying major events such a new royal. Minutes after  HRH went into labour, wankers were lining the streets outside the hospital and talking bollocks into the microphones. One woman was there “to support Kate”. I mean you can imagine it, can’t you? “One more push, darling. I can see the head. And Maisie from Maidstone is outside! One more push for Maisie!”.  Others bored on about the spirit of Diana and others opined that “it’s nice innit?”. Thank goodness it only lasted 2.5 hours, after which WTF got on a  plane and escaped. Spare us, please. It’s Got to Go.

OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. There were loads of top comments from you so keep them coming as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

OK Country. You voted Tory and gave Dave a majority, albeit a small one. You humiliated Labour and did even worse to the Lib Dems and now their Leaders have both gone, dwindling into a life of TV punditry, unreadable memoirs and non-executive Directorships. (At least Ed can go back to using his main kitchen and not that poky one where the au pair knocks up a lentil casserole for the kiddies whilst Face-timing her friends back in Finland..) You nearly got rid of Nigel Farage as well but despite promising to stand down if he lost, and then losing, it seems that he is not standing down after all. (It also seems that half his party hates him, but that’s another blog). So now we wait for Dave to weave his magic. What can we expect?

It seems that Dave has plans. He has appointed Zombie-lookalikey Michael Gove to continue dismantling the legal system until only Russian oligarchs and Tory Chairman can afford to use it. Legal aid will soon be spoken of in the same breath as Liberal Democrats – extinct. The Human Rights Act will be abolished. WTF suspects that most people descrying the horror of the Act could not distinguish between the Act, the Convention (which Britain wrote in 1948), the ECHR, the CJEU and a horse’s rectum but that does not stop them attributing the nation’s woes to “Tony Blair’s Act” which, if not repealed, will undermine everything The Daily Mail holds dear. This abolition goes hand in hand with a new law to kick the shit out of anyone who does not satisfy some inchoate notion of meeting British Values, a concept that Home Secretary Teresa May was unable even to define when interviewed on Wednesday’s Today programme. However she assured John Humphrys by the time the Bill comes before the House, the draftsman will have thought of something. Not that it’s not all bad. The Government is going to put £8 billion into the NHS! Dave said they would so it must be true. Where it is going to come from is unclear but someone, somewhere, in fact a lot of someones in a lot of somewheres, will lose out.  But Readers be of good cheer because we’re all in it together. We are One Nation. Dave has promised to give us a Government of Unity, despite spending the entire election campaign portraying the Scots as a mixture of the Wildings from Game of Thrones and that lot who bared their arses at the English at the end of Braveheart. As a result of which they did bare their arses at the English, electorally speaking. WTF looks forward to seeing how Dave extends the hand of friendship to our Caledonian brothers and sisters. And exactly what they tell him to do with it.

Let us turn to the week’s sartorial nastiness, starting at the premiere of Mad Max – Fury Road with a right couple of weirdos. I refer to Elvis Presley’s daughter and the former Mrs Michael Jackson, Lisa Marie Presley, with her second husband, musician Michael Lockwood.

We have been having quite a rash of prats in hats of late and Michael is certainly a prat in his ludicrous Amish-style hat and straggly blond hair like a cross between Chris Tarrant and Alexander Godunov in Witness.

As for Lisa Marie, she is only 47 yet she looks more frozen than a Sara Lee blueberry tart.

To the BAFTA TV Awards Bash in London where we encounter former Made In Chelsea reality “star” (how sad an intro is that?) posh totty Rosie Fortescue wearing Julien Macdonald.

Julien is one of WTF’s bugbears  and this is why. Quite apart from the Minge Moment that is obligatory on anything from Maison Macdonald, the outfit resembles a particularly moth-eared version of Miss Haversham’s wedding dress.

Also at the event was “actress” Jennifer Metcalfe wearing Zeynap Kartel.

This Zeynap is a pest, clothing WAGS and soap stars in shocking creations with the maximum exposure of orange flesh. The best that can be said for this ensemble is that it will ventilate her lady areas and prevent thrush. Hideous.

To Cannes and the annual fashionfest that is also supposed to be a filmfest.  We start with actress Frederique Bel wearing Zuhair Murad.

A peekaboo top exposing her bully-button and a hula-hula skirt? Titsy, tacky and tawdry. Could Zuhair not try using, you know, opaque material? Just the once? He might like it…. we certainly would.

More bloody tassels, this time on the gorgeous Charlize Theron wearing Valentino.

Like a flapper half hiding behind a leather snuggler. And  visible nipple activity. Which WTF really, really hates…

Another fuck-up from Alexandre Vauthier (or should that be Alexandre Vulva) who designed this for Sophie Marceau.

This is what happens when you don’t sew seams into a sheet. We can only be thankful that she is wearing panties…. 

Here we go again. Jean Paul Gaultier continues his ridiculous half and half schtick. Today’s victim is the imperious Catherine Deneuve. The lady in blue is Emmanuelle Bercot, the director of her latest movie.

Please Lord. Just Make It Stop. This schizophrenia is just too much, an haute couture version of Two-Face from Batman. And the dress/trousers/whatever is not at all flattering.

We leave Cannes for the last picture. Be warned, this is bad. Meet “stripper, urban model and entrepreneur” Blac Chyna (née Angela White) wearing who the hell knows what but there is not enough of it. And too much of her.

Blac, 27, is the sworn enemy of the Kardashian clan because the father of her baby King Cairo, a rapper going by the name of Tyga, is now squiring Kylie Jenner, 17. It was perhaps his defection that inspired Blac to wear this hi-viz-cameltoe onesie at her birthday party, giving appalled onlookers the impression that she had slipped when crossing the road stark naked and was run over by a line-painting truck. The hair is beyond unspeakable and the tits are not so much pneumatic as preposterous.

This week’s It’s Got To Go could not be more obvious could it? Of course it has to be the unutterably ghastly Sally Bercow, estranged wife of the Speaker of the House of Commons, John Bercow. Having embarrassed  her husband for years by a variety of self-aggrandising me-me-me antics, Sally had an affair with his cousin and when he returned to his wife she then gave a series of  lachrymose interviews on her doorstep, bewailing her fate like Niobe, all tears. What happened to “No Comment?” Not so much washing your dirty linen in public as setting up a giant bucket and mangle in the street and then inviting the neighbours round. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. Keep the comments coming in and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

9 years ago, Neil Shepherd, his two children Christi aged 7 and Bobby aged 6 and his then partner Ruth (now his wife) went on holiday to Corfu which they booked through Thomas Cook. They were entitled to expect that the hotel was safe to stay in but in this they were mistaken. A defective gas water heater spewed carbon monoxide into their chalet and killed Christi and Bobby whilst rendering Neil and Ruth unconscious. Thomas Cook denied all liability, blamed the hotel and made no apology. Last week an inquest jury in Yorkshire found that the children had been unlawfully killed and that Thomas Cook had breached its duty of care. Most of its witnesses, including its former CEO, asserted their legal right not to answer questions but its new CEO, Peter Fankhauser, told the court ‘I feel incredibly sorry for the family – incredibly sorry. But I don’t have to apologise….I feel so thoroughly, from the deepest of my heart, sorry but there’s no need to apologise because there was no wrongdoing by Thomas Cook.’

There was an immediate public backlash which intensified when it emerged that whilst the parents each got compensation of £350K, Thomas Cook got £1.5m for legal fees incurred when defending Greek manslaughter charges (its employees were acquitted), the cost of  sending “special media advisers” to Greece, the time spent on the matter by its employees and lost revenue. Its insurers pocketed another £1.5m. Finding itself waist-high in shit, Thomas Cook then announced that it would donate £1.5m to UNICEF, a decision it took without consulting the family. It also showed the press a letter apologising to the parents although the parents had yet to receive it and Fankhauser had refused to apologise at the inquest.  Thomas Cook was now neck-high in shit, at which point Fankhauser decided to act before the ordure reached eyelevel. On Wednesday he said “As a father myself, I really can only express my extreme sorrow. It is also clear to me that in the past 9 years the company could have handled its relationship with the family better and treated them with more respect and for that I am sorry.” He also promised to apologise directly to the parents which he did in a private meeting on Thursday. Thomas Cook will also donate loads more money to various charities chosen by Neil and his former wife Sharon Wood.

Here’s the thing. Thomas Cook’s behaviour stinks like a rancid fish. It banked its compensation whilst the parents had to remortgage their homes to pay their own flights and accommodation to attend the court proceedings in Greece and fight for compensation. They only got legal aid for the inquest after lobbying David Cameron. Thomas Cook, which took £8.6 BILLION in bookings last year, even took legal action to try and stop the inquest. It has now changed its tune because it is facing a shitstorm that threatens both its share price and profits (£75m has been wiped off its value this week alone). A plague on Mr Fankhauser and on Thomas Cook and on its lawyers and on its PR advisers (great job, guys) for their greed, arrogance and insensitivity. WTF hopes that no one gives Thomas Cook another penny of their hard earned cash ever again. 

Rant over. Let’s consider a really terrible week in fashion errors.

She’s back! Readers’ favourite Nancy Dell’Olio makes her long awaited return to the blog, wearing what appears to be an artfully ruched bin liner.

WTF is all for recycling, especially if we could turn Nancy into somebody or something else. Actually, the dress is the least of it. It is the Worzel Gummidge hair, the horrible handbag, the ridiculous sub-Angelina pose and the expression of a constipated sufferer straining to achieve evacuation.

We move to a couple of nasties from the British Soap Awards. This is Hollyoaks’ Jessica Ellis wearing something slithery and shiny with Milly J shoes.

This is part little Red Riding Hood, part Snow White’s Wicked Stepmother and entirely shite. And those shoes! This is one of those fairy tales that gives you nightmares.

And there was Tisha Merry from Coronation Street wearing La Moda Avenue.

For £430 you too can own a shocking pink shower curtain with flamingo frou-frou flounce. What are you waiting for? By the way, it looks as if Tisha should have taken a size up.

To Cannes where nonsense continues on the Red Carpet. Here is a prime example in the skinny shape of Russian model Natasha Poly wearing Atelier Versace.

This not couture, this is taking the piss. It is as if Natalia had been sunbathing under a posh beach umbrella when it collapsed on top of her. By the time she was freed, she could only use it as a skirt, slip on her stilettos and rush to the Red Carpet. And there are hazards in doing that, Readers, because this could happen….

Then we had pointless celebritee Paris Hilton wearing Yousuf al-Jasmi, seen here with actor Sun Yu Yang. Who the hell knows what he is wearing…

Paris is as per usual, all hair, peekaboo and Minge Moment in a dress like a badly laddered stocking. WTF is far more interested in Sun who looks like a cross-dressing Tinkerbell about to do a tap-dance.

Also taking up valuable oxygen on the Red Carpet was L’Oréal Ambassador Eva Longoria wearing Gabriela Cadena.

Here is your starter for 10. What was the last role Eva had in anything, let alone anything good? Anyway, here she is in a dove-grey creation with bat-tits and lots of side pube. Awful.

And now we have actress Diane Kruger at the Cannes amFAR Gala wearing Chanel.

Like a hedgehog with ribbons. Coco must be turning in her grave.

Meet Bollywood star and another L’Oréal Ambassador Sonam Kapoor wearing Elie Saab.

Good grief. She appears to be standing in a haystack.

The Billboard Music Awards are always a rich source of ghastliness and this year was no exception. We begin with Van Halen lead singer David Lee Roth.

David is clad in a very lairy 3-piece suit, trainers and a flat cap worn by countrypersons going ferreting. He has teamed them with a vest made out of armour. Was he expecting someone to take a potshot at him? Frankly, it should have been aimed at the stylist.

You just knew as you know night follows day that Jennifer Lopez was going to feature, didn’t you? Here she is wearing Charbel Zoe.

Oh here we bloody go again. Last time we saw J-Lo was a fortnight ago at the Met Ball where her arse was hanging out. This time, we are getting a full view of her torso. Why doesn’t she just stroll out starkers on the Red Carpet and be done with it? And then go back to wearing proper clothes.

Another perennial offender flashing her torso and arse at the cameras. I refer of course to singer Rita Ora wearing Fausto Puglisi.

One word. Trashy. Next…..

Finally we encounter Cameroonian-Nigerian singer Dencia. This one is an absolute and total shocker.

WTF likes a laugh as much as the next person but this has gone beyond a joke, turned left and kept on travelling past insanity. Decnia seems to have been caught up in a Smarties explosion. 

WTF deplores the smiley face motif and particularly the large mouth and beardy bit over the Minge area. WTF double-deplores the giant ski goggles and the ill-matched shoes. Fuck it, she deplores the whole thing. And whilst she is deploring things, she also deplores the fact that Dencia has made millions out of a skin whitening cream for Africans called Whitenicious. 

This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF is Islington who yet again is enraged by her failure to get a ticket for the Cup Final to watch her beloved Arsenal play Aston Villa next week. It appears that having a season ticket and living locally for 30+ years counts for fuck all with AFC whilst Johnny-Come-Latelys who have had a season ticket for all of 10 minutes triumph in the ballot. What happened to loyalty? 

OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. There were loads of comments last week which almost compensated for not having a Cup Final ticket. Keep the comments coming in and suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

No-one, not even the neighbours’ goldfish, was surprised to learn that FIFA is corrupt as fuck. Nevertheless, the news that the United States’ Attorney-General, an indomitable woman by the name of Loretta Lynch, was on the case was certainly a surprise. That she had persuaded the Swiss Gendarmerie to arrest FIFA bigwigs various at 6 am in Zurich, where they had gathered for the FIFA Congress, was a fabulous surprise. Do something iffy with a dollar account, whether or not you are a US citizen, and you will be pursued like a pig snuffling out a truffle. Which is why a lot of dodgy FIFA officials nestling happily under their 600-threadcount bed linen in their £3,000-a-night suites at the Hotel du Toff awoke on Wednesday to the unwelcome sight of a copper standing over them and were frogmarched out, hidden under one of the said quality sheets, to await extradition. Sadly, slime-bucket President Sepp Blatter was not amongst them but we are all living in hope.

Over the past 20 years, Blatter (now 78) has created a system of acolytes that would have the Medicis drooling. Official after official has been found to have given or received bribes. The 2018 World Cup was won by Russia in a process so transparent that the Russian FA destroyed not only the documents but the very computers upon which they were stored. The 2022 World Cup went to Qatar, a place hotter than Hell in a heatwave, with The Sunday Times and The Telegraph revealing skulduggery on a massive scale. The 2026 competition will probably be held on Mars, always provided that it can set up an off-shore bank account in time. In New York a bloated shyster called Chuck Blazer, whose accumulation of (undeclared) funds as a FIFA official allowed him to rent two Manhattan apartments, one for him and one for his moggies (giving a new meaning to the term “fat cat”), is now singing to the authorities like the operatic canary equivalent to Placido Domingo. No one knows how much Blatter earns but we do know that FIFA’s annual income is some £3.7bn with  £1bn on reserve. And it pays no tax under Swiss law because it is supposed to be a not-for-profit organisation.

Despite the arrests, the public outcry and the calls for his resignation, Blatter today goes for his 5th consecutive term as President, having abandoned his promise in 2011 not to run again. And he is expected to win because he has strong support amongst the countries whose bread he has so liberally buttered over the years in building their footballing infrastructure. Indeed, when addressing the Congress yesterday, Blatter had the effrontery to suggest that he was the man to clean up the corruption despite presiding over it for over 2 decades. He was not responsible, you understand, because he cannot be expected to watch everybody – especially when he is so busy applying financial lubricant to the nether regions of the emerging nations to get their support. It is time for the UK Associations and anyone else with even the remotest sense of decency to get out of FIFA and tell it where to stuff its competition. This will have the additional benefit for England of sparing us the inevitable failure consequent upon our taking part so maybe we should boycott UEFA as well. And to watch the murky revelations continue…..

We turn to the sartorial shockers of the week.

Last Saturday saw the culmination of the greatest love story of the age. I refer of course to the wedding of ex-Corrie actress Michelle Keegan and ex-TOWIE celebritee Mark Wright. In keeping with the romance of the occasion, the creosoted pair were kept hidden from public view, having flogged the occasion to Hello!, but we did get to see mother of the groom Carol Wright, also from TOWIE, wearing ReneK Couture.

ReneK Couture? More like Reek Couture. This is a nylon net curtain (and very unflattering around the tits department) worn with a stupid hat. The last time WTF saw an outfit like that was in 1971 when Lee Grant and Walter Matthau played the parents of the bride in Plaza Suite. For reasons too complex to go into, Lee sticks her head out of the window, drenching her hat in a rainstorm – and looks just like Carol here.

As for the lady next to Carol with the large bosom and the floral fascinator, there are no words.

Next up, we have Rihanna out and about in New York.

Er…Rihanna’s khakis are so capacious that Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal and Chuck Norris could all fit into them with her and still have room to spare (now that would be an interesting movie). Questions also have to be asked about the helmet.

Here is one of the stars of Spy, Jude Law, wearing a most ridiculous ensemble at the London première.

Hairy moobage, a Little Lord Fauntleroy velvet jacket with visible lining and brogues without socks (which WTF hates almost above all things) whilst that little tufty thing on his head is reminiscent of Tintin.

Next we go to Dublin and the Irish Film and Television Academy Awards to meet TV presenter Amanda Byram wearing Umit Kutluk.

Like a black eagle with tits. Horrible.

Another première, this time Aloha and its star Rachel McAdams wearing Self-Portrait.

WTF could live with the skirt but the low-slung triangular bra is just plain weird and the top is like the wire mesh you speak to prisoners through on TV crime programmes. 

We turn to the final knockings of the Cannes Film Festival where we encounter actress Sienna Miller wearing Gucci and actor/director Xavier Dolan wearing Louis Vuitton.

A perfect pair of puce pillocks. She is dressed as something out of a John Wayne Western and his suit is made from a roll of discarded Osborne & Little wallpaper. What Sienna’s blue bag has to do with price of fish, WTF cannot say.

What it is with tiers? Meet Georgina Chapman, the creative designer of Marchesa, wearing one of her own frocks.

This resembles a stack of BHS rustic lampshades with Georgina’s somewhat ill-judged, peasant-bloused torso emerging from the top of it. 

And this is actress Laetitia Casta wearing Givenchy.

Laetitia certainly puts the crotch into crochet. And then there is more fringing than in Edinburgh, some hanging like curtains in a funeral parlour, a knobbly knee peeking forth, a bare back, protruding thigh and all sorts….. It is all just so busy….

Finally we have pointless aristocrat Lady Victoria Hervey. What the hell she is doing at Cannes wasting valuable oxygen on the Red Carpet is unclear.

This seemed quite covered up for Lady Victoria but there was still an unwarranted amount of side-pube. And then we all got an eyeful of this. Brace yourselves….

Tits. Minge. The whole 9 yards. Look, there is a reason why the Good Lord invented needle and thread. And this is it…..

This week’s It’s Got To Go is the one surviving Scottish LibDem MP, Alastair Carmichael. Until 8 May, he was Secretary of State for Scotland in the Coalition Government. During the election campaign Carmichael leaked an official memo recording that Scotland’s First Minister Nicola Sturgeon wanted the Tories to be re-elected to strengthen the SNP’s hand at Westminster, something she denied. Carmichael told a reporter that he had never even seen this memo, prompting a leak enquiry costing a staggering £1.4m, but then admitted it post-election. He has foregone his Minister’s severance pay in faux-penance but he is still an MP.  Yes, he is not the only MP to be “over-enthusiastic in his denials” (Grant Shapps anyone?) but even so….

OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. There were more excellent comments last week and keep them coming as they cheer WTF up no end. And don’t forget your suggestions for It’s Got To Go.  Meanwhile, let us meet again next Friday. Be good.

Hallo Readers,

Yes, it is that time of year when you get to vote for the WTF Summer Stinker, choosing from 20 horrendous sartorial shockers from the first half of 2015. Frankly, they are all bad and so your task is a difficult one. WTF has omitted Kim Kardashian because (i) whatever she wears is ghastly and (ii) WTF cannot stand the opprobrium heaped upon her by Readers whenever the fat-bottomed idiot is featured in the blog and so has bowed to public opinion. Otherwise WTF considers this to be a fair selection. Those of a nervous disposition or offended by male bits are advised to approach the picture of Bobby Norris (no. 4) with caution.

The contenders are in first name alphabetical order and you can choose as many of them you like (no Single Transferable Vote here). Make sure that you vote and tell everyone else you know from your mother to the milkman to vote as well. The results will be published next Friday when the blog resumes normal service. Start selecting…..

1. Bai Ling, actress, dressed as a dragon.

Bai Ling – never knowingly overdressed. The dragon thing is ridiculous and WTF is particularly alarmed by the horned tits. Get too close and you could have been gored to death…..

2. Beyoncé, singer, wearing Givenchy.

It takes a special sort of outfit to make Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez look classy. This was that outfit. Beyoncé arrived at the Met Ball a mere 3 hours late with nothing but a few sparkles to cover her bits, accessorised with a My Little Ponytail.

3. Blanca Blanco, actress, wearing Quyhn Paris.

Blanca appeared on the Oscars Red Carpet to much bafflement. She seemed to be burning at the stake. Which pretty much summed up WTF’s view of what should have happened to her outfit.

4. Bobby Norris, TOWIE person, wearing a knitted cocksock.

Unacceptable. He should be placed under house arrest with immediate effect.

5. Charles N’Zogbia, footballer, wearing something hideous.

Charles pitched up for training at Aston Villa in a flowery ensemble, prompting his team mate Shay Given to post this picture nominating him as the Worst Dressed Footballer Ever. Good call. As one appalled tweet observed, he looks as if he had been shat out by Cath Kidston. And brown shoes?

6. Dencia, singer and purveyor of skin whitening cream Whitenicious, wearing who knows what.

The good news is that Dencia was one of the few at the Billboard Music Awards to be covered up. The bad news is that she was covered up in this, accessorised with ski goggles and ill-matched pastel peep-toes. The lips and beard over the minge is to be deplored and she seems to have been caught in a Smarties explosion.

7. Diane Kruger, actress, wearing Chanel.

Diane is usually impeccable but as Mark Anthony said to the crowd after Julius Caesar’s murder, what a falling off was there my countrymen. As WTF remarked at the time, her Cannes amFAR Gala dress looked like a hedgehog with ribbons. Coco must be turning in her grave.

8. Gary Bigeni, designer, wearing himself.

Gary arrived at Melbourne Fashion Week wearing this psychedelic  nightmare of an outfit. WTF still hopes that he was wearing this for a bet as there could be no other explanation for his resemblance to a homeless man who had just raided a charity clothing bin.

9. Irina Shayk, model, wearing Atelier Versace.

Of course Irina is gorgeous but was it really necessary to attend the Vanity Fair Oscars Party in spotted tights and an undulating tit and minge cover? You know the answer…..

10. Jennifer Lopez , actress and singer, wearing Charbel Zoe.

No-one expects elegance at the Billboard Music Awards. It would be like going to work in a sewer wearing black tie. But there is a distinction between sexy and anatomical and this is it. Sadly, Jennifer has simply become vulgar.

11. Jessica Ellis, soap actress, wearing something shiny with Milly J shoes.

There was something very Miss Whiplash about this revolting slitherfest of a dress. As for the Cinderella-goes-lapdancing shoes, they are beyond all comprehension.

12. Joy Villa, actress, wearing Andre Soriano.

What do you mean, who? The Grammys are a chance for nonentities to make a name for themselves, even though the name is usually “idiot”. So it was that Joy graced the occasion in a dress made from the orange netting used to fence off traffic accidents and roadworks, worn with a matching fascinator. Readers, do not be alarmed – she was wearing panties. Like that made a difference…

13. Lord KraVen, wannabe singer, wearing something weird of his own design.

Lord KraVen is the musical equivalent of Joy Villa and took the opportunity to make his mark at the iHeartRadio Awards like an extra from Game of Thrones. Although he seemed to be emerging from his top boots, this was in fact a hairy top over leather trousers but no less foul for that. 

14. Madonna, singer, wearing Givenchy.

In Japan, the latest trend is Hamuketsu – the love of hamsters’ backsides. Madonna is in love with her own backside and paraded it at the Grammys. However, this love is not shared by the rest of us as her arse is a sight more familiar than the moon in the night sky. Put it away love, for Heaven’s sake.

15. Mike Tyson, former World Heavyweight Boxer, wearing something horrible.

Mike attended the iHeartMusic Awards in this extraordinary getup. Did he stand too close to a newly painted wall? Note also the poncy white belt and the loafers two sizes too big. Mike’s stylist is currently in hiding pending radical plastic surgery and a lifetime’s exile to Vanuatu.

16. Phoebe Price, actress, wearing something extremely strange.

There is eccentric and there is certifiable and this is well past certifiable and en route to insane. As WTF noted at the time, Phoebe was in costume to do a one-woman version of Oliver with the Artful Dodger’s hat and Nancy’s dress but where the Easy Rider fringed leather jacket came in is anybody’s guess.

17. Solange, singer and professional sister, wearing Giles.

Unlike sister Beyoncé, Solange came to the Met Ball covered up but what the hell was covering her up? She is not so much wearing this as hiding behind it. WTF can only surmise that having beaten up her brother-in-law Jay Z in an elevator after last year’s bash, Solange wanted proper protection should she run into one of his minders this time round.

18. Sonam Kapoor, actress, wearing Elie Saab.

Sonam walked the Red Carpet at the Cannes Film Festival wearing a couture haystack. And the colour looked horrible against her skin tone.

19. Stephanie Davis, soap actress, wearing Lemon Lunar.

Yikes. This cheap piece of nastiness with double-slit genitalia curtains (yours for £50 and frankly you will have overpaid) offered appalled onlookers plenty of side-pube. Surely there is some law against walking around in public like this? And if there isn’t, there should be.

20. Toni Braxton wearing Zeynep Erdogan.

Toni! You are a star with a long and distinguished career and at 48 you have a cracking figure but honestly…. The peekaboo Minge Moment raffia skirt was very bad, someone seemed to have drawn on her copious boobage with a magic marker and the seams on the illusion panel are downright ugly.

OK READERS!! GET VOTING!!

Hallo Readers,

  “…whatever harm a spiteful heart and venomous tongue could do them, he took care should be done. Only throw dirt enough, and some of it is sure to stick; and so it was with the fifth form and the bigger boys in general, with whom he associated more or less, and they not at all. Flashman managed to get Tom and East into disfavour, which did not wear off for some time after the author of it had disappeared…”

The description is of the fictional school bully Flashman in Tom Brown’s Schooldays but how well it suits our ever-so-superior Prime Minister. Like the fabled scorpion who stings the frog to death, even though it also results in his own demise, it is Dave’s nature. He just cannot help himself. This week he was at the Despatch Box in the House of Commons for Prime Minister’s Dodge-the-Question-Time. Harriet Harman, acting Leader of the Labour Party, asked him about the upcoming European Referendum. Cameron replied that Labour MPs had backed his Referendum Bill the day before despite Ed Miliband previously not supporting it and then compared this to “the biggest mass conversion since that Chinese general baptised his troops with a hose”. (Oh, how we laughed). Harman shot back that he had won the election. “He doesn’t need to do ranting and sneering and gloating. He can just answer the question. Frankly, he should show a bit more class”. As Flashman found out in the novel, the only way to deal with a bully is to take him on and for the next couple of questions Dave actually gave actual answers and in a civilised way. But of course it did not last and back he slid into sneering mode because that is what he does. It is his nature.

Yes, being Prime Minister is not about being nice. Otherwise we could have had WTF’s Mum in the role. Or Lorraine Kelly from Breakfast telly. But there is no need to carry on as if you were ordering a couple of fags to bring you your breakfast (US readers – this is not a reference to gays, but to the ancient private school practice of having little boys act as quasi-servants to the older boys. It is supposed to be character building. Or something). WTF is getting on a bit but she cannot recall any Prime Minister maintaining quite such an unpleasant attitude which puts her in mind of the late and deeply unlamented Leona Helmsley. He may pretend to support Aston Villa FC (he so doesn’t) and to be a Man of the People (he so isn’t) but basically he is just a snobby, snotty little git with no real convictions of his own, other than he wants to be PM. His instinct is to rant, sneer and gloat. He may be posh but Harriet is right – he really does lack class.

We start our weekly sartorial inquest with Sports Illustrated model Samantha Hoopes at the LA premiere of Entourage.

WTF is bemused. What are those things emerging from Samantha’s lady areas? The one in front looks  like placenta. At what point did afterbirth become a fashion accessory? There also appears to be an absence of skirt, a visible belly-button and hideous diamanté hooves. These are all very bad things.

This is Solange wearing Toni Maticevski.

Let us be frank. This is a piece of peekaboo nonsense with built-in colostomy bag. There is of course nothing wrong with a colostomy bag but it seems a tad tasteless to attach one to a designer frock when the wearer has no need of it. Just saying.

Nicole Kidman attended the CMAs with her husband, singer Keith Urban, wearing Balenciaga.

This is just so terribly, terribly terrible. The outfit is a bizarre combination of a bellhop’s trousers  and a sparking, fur-trimmed maternity smock. Worse, her face is frozen as fuck and the hair makes her look like an apricot poodle.

Next we have splendid actress Gillian Anderson wearing Paolo Sebastian at last week’s London Glamour Awards.

This is very titsy and the vomit salmon hue is awful (you wouldn’t want to eat a salmon that colour), especially on a blonde. Gillian looks like a sand-snake shedding its skin on the Red Carpet. Her stylist should get a slap, a P45 and another slap. 

Talking of titsy, Lady Gaga came to London this week and wandered around the streets like this.

Look, no one expects Gaga to be kitted out in a twinset and pearls but it is quite a different matter to totter around coram publico in gold sandals and nothing but a sparking fishnet over diamond nipple pasties and big knickers. She also appears to have a turkey on her head, courtesy of Philip Treacy, which is absolutely fowl.

To New York where we encounter fashion diva Victoria Beckham wearing, er, herself and Vogue America’s European Editor-at-Large Hamish Bowles wearing Dries van Noten.

As a matter of interest, what is an Editor-at-Large? Do you get promoted to the role from an Editor-at-Small? Anyway, the suit is the absolute pits and Hamish also needs to rethink that centre parting as his hair looks like something has landed randomly on his head and died there. As for Posh, the black billowing thing she is wearing neither fits not flatters and WTF is fed up with her permanently funereal expression.

To the Tonys, that orgy of orgasmic, squealing  self-congratulation that is the Broadway Theatre Awards. There was some shocking fashion about, including on Canadian singer Kiesza wearing Altazurra.

WTF is all for recycling but Altazurra seems to have assembled this frock from the shredder. There is a lot of pale flesh, a preponderance of eyeliner, a nose-ring and, for some reason, knuckledusters. And white is not her colour.

Actress Sharon Stone attended the Tonys Viewing Party in this bizarre outfit.

This is a mixture of a Playboy bunny and Maria’s apron-and-short-hair-combo from The Sound of Music. And it does not work either way. Not even at all.

And finally there was the evening’s MC, actor Alan Cumming wearing Lucio Castro.

Those legs should be permanently hidden, like those under a Victorian piano. They are both very pale and exceptionally hairy. However, Adonis would look bad in this ludicrous shorts suit which has more than a hint of Harry Potter about it, worn inexplicably with a black bow tie, black socks and black Hush Puppies. Alan should turn his fingers around and wave them at Lucio Castro.

This week’s It’s Got to Go is suggested by WTF stalwart  Leslie Verrinder who is nauseated by those pictures of plates of food outside fast food “restaurants”. Leslie says the snaps are revolting, usually taken by the owner’s mate with a camera phone, mounted on sticky film and then allowed to fade nicely in the sun until the contents resemble something someone else has regurgitated. They may convince drunken revellers to partake of the fare within but no-one sober would want to ingest it. It’s Got to Go.

The winner of the Summer Stinker Poll 2015 was of course Bobby Norris  and  his revolting cocksock. Actress Joy Villa did very well to secure second place and wore something vaguely closer to clothes, even though it was made from traffic netting. You can click on the links to relive the experience…..

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in and your suggestions for It’s Got to Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

The Rachel Dolezal story is a mixture of the incredible and the unfathomable. Dolezal was a prominent activist in the African-American community in Spokane, Washington State and a lecturer in Americana. Her Facebook page had a picture of her father, a black man who had fled Florida after defending himself from a white racist cop. Dolezal herself recently reported receiving racist hate mail and finding a noose on her lawn.  But then it all went tits up. Her real parents surfaced in Montana, both white with some Native American heritage. They had a picture of Rachel at 16, pale and blonde. Rachel’s son Iziah turned out to be her adopted brother whom she had then herself adopted. Another adopted black brother, Ezra, denounced her as a fraud and claimed she had told him not to “blow her cover”. Years earlier, Dolezal had sued a predominantly black college for discriminating against her as a white woman. Spokane Police had dismissed her claims of racial harassment and thought she had made them up. Once outed, Dolezal portrayed herself as a victim of racism. She identified herself as black, she said, side-stepping the question about her white parents. She maintained that there was no evidence (save for the birth certificate) that they actually were her birth parents. As a little girl she had drawn herself with a brown crayon rather than a peach crayon because she had always felt black. Confusingly,  the picture of her as a blonde teenager was taken when she did not feel black. She “did not stay out of the sun”, she said in answer to the question about whether she had St. Tropez Extra-Dark delivered to her home by tanker. And so on.

Wet liberals everywhere, WTF included, tied themselves into more knots than a boy scouts’ bonanza. Last week, they had all championed Caitlin Jenner, né Bruce and her right to transgender because she always knew that she was a woman – so why couldn’t Rachel be transrace as she had always known that she was black? They wanted to feel her pain. She had lived as an African-American, she had experience of what it was to be an African-American, she was the mother of African-Americans. Race is only a social construct, they said – we are all actually black in some way, no one is pure black or pure white.  But then there was the liberal duty to ensure that ethnic minorities had their own racial identity without others barging in. And how to ignore those members of the black community, whatever their skin tone, outraged at Dolezal’s deception? 

Here’s the thing. Many people belong to more than one race. The shorthand of ethnicity is increasingly out of date. And there is a fine line between pride in your racial origins and a refusal to acknowledge that others may also share them or want to adopt them. But it is one thing openly to change your gender or your religion or to adopt a new cultural identity; it is quite another to invent new parents and parents’ backstories and racial attacks that never  happened and to make your siblings complicit and then to condemn others as not black enough to be able to express their identity, as Dolezal did. She became an important member of the African-American community and undoubtedly did good work. But she could have done equally good work as the wife and mother and colleague and friend and neighbour of and spokesperson for African-Americans without lying about herself. People have always taken on new identities to escape persecution or death; in Europe Jews have lived as Christians, in America blacks have lived as whites. Dolezal was never in that position. It may be that she is suffering from some personality disorder, in which case she deserves sympathy. Or (sadly, WTF suspects this is the case) it may be that she is a chancer, in which case no liberal hand-wringing should excuse her. You want to know what racism really means. Go to Charleston. Experience that.

To the week’s sartorial nastiness,starting with actress Zoe Saldana at the LA Film Fest wearing Louis Vuitton.

The print is beautiful, like stained glass windows in a church as dusk falls. However, the dress is busier than Heathrow Airport and deficient in the sleeve department to the tune of one, something WTF hates almost above all things. Why would a dress have only one sleeve when the wearer has two arms?

More pattern but this is one gives you a headache. Here is Polish supermodel Anja Rubik wearing Emilio Pucci.

Dah dah, dah dah! Retinal damage alert! Making AIDS history is laudable but this dress should be made history ASAP before charitable fashionistas go blind. 

FFS! He is becoming a regular. I speak of Formula 1 Champion Lewis Hamilton looking a right prat.

There is a village missing an idiot and here he is. Was that jacket made by his mum from those cross-stitch tapestries you do in front of the telly when you’re bored? This man has just been appointed British Fashion Council Ambassador. To where – the Court of Ludwig the Lunatic?  

Reader’s favourite Nancy dell’Olio, who by the way has been 53 since dinosaurs walked the earth, is back again. Here she is with London Mayoral candidate Ivan Massow.

Ivan’s ill-matched ensemble contrasts with Nancy’s sheer vulgarity, a gauzy, gilded concoction complete with peekaboob and high-rise Spanx Power Panties worn with hideous Guiseppe Zanotti sandals. She has half a black labrador on her back and the other half on her head. Go figure.

WTF Regular Rose McGowan also returns this week, wearing Francesco Scognamilio and Cushnie & Ochs at a jewellery party in New York. 

Bless her! Rose is never happier than when flashing the flesh and there is plenty of flesh being flashed here, particularly spilling forth from a bra patently not up to the job, like a sprat sent to catch a mackerel.

To Stockholm where we meet Princess Birgitta of Sweden (left) seen here with her sister Princess Margaretha. They were attending the wedding of their nephew Prince Carl Gustaf.

Princess Birgitta, 78, is 3 years younger than Princess Margaretha but the latter lives in England whereas the former lives in Majorca and seems to have lingered too long on the sun lounger. As a result she resembles a cross between the Ancient Mariner and Tanning Mom. 

The jewels are fabulous but the pale pink pantsuit, white slingbacks, mink jacket and diamanté bag and belt are far more Basildon than Balearic and not remotely regal.  

This last one is really, really bad. This is the “Momager” of the Kardashian Klan, Kris Kardashian Jenner out and about in Paris with Balmain designer Olivier Rousteing. 

Olivier looks like a bar steward from a gay cruiseship. There is waxed moobage, his jeans are stuffed into tasselled boots (unforgivable on male and female alike) and his silly pout is a result of his (admitted) practice of sucking in his cheeks whenever photographed. Kris is showing us a great deal of stuff we do not want to see including much plastic tittage and a lot of overripe thigh, both emerging from a dress no longer than a tank top. If you want to understand the Kardashians, just look at the mother. The apple does not fall far from the tree…

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes courtesy of WTF aficionado Sally, whose monthly direct debit for gas and electricity was £109. At the end of the year, the balance was £220 which she offered to pay by credit card there and then. No, said the lady at the other end of the phone. Her direct debit must increase to £260 a month. Sally pointed out that this would credit the company £1500 which was not based on her actual usage. After 18 minutes of pointless discussion, the lady caved in, accepted £220 and continued the direct debit at £109. Sally fought back but how many people, including the elderly and less vocal, have this stunt pulled on them? And why is it allowed? It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in, which WTF enjoys like anything, and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got to Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

We have been hearing a good deal from Cameron recently about Magna Carta, signed (not that he could actually write) by King John on the banks of the Thames in 1215. According to Dave and his absurd little minion Jacob Rees-Mogg MP, an upper-class twit PG Wodehouse would have abandoned as a character for being too improbable, we do not need the Human Rights Act (enacting the European Convention on Human Rights) and Judges in Strasbourg telling us our rights because those rights are already enshrined in our laws. Except, er, that they are not.  Magna Carta was drawn up for the benefit of the Barons, not the hoi polloi. There is a lot about fish weirs and what happens to a rich widow when her late husband owed money to Jews but of the right to express a political opinion, to practice your faith and not to be discriminated against on the grounds that you are gay, there is nothing. During the election, Dave promised withdrawal from the ECHR and the abolition of the HRA but this week the new Lord Chancellor, oleaginous, fish-faced Michael Gove, downgraded that promise to a maybe and said that it was not the Convention itself Tories disliked, just the way the Strasbourg judges were interpreting it. WTF was previously unaware that being unhappy with a judicial outcome was good reason for changing the law but there you are. Meanwhile, we continue to wait with bated breath for someone, anyone, to tell us which bits of the HRA should be abolished. But don’t bate your breath too long because you will go a funny colour and expire.

The ghastly Gove is only the second non-lawyer to hold the post of Lord Chancellor since Lord Shaftesbury in 1672. Time was when the Lord Chancellor had an understanding of what the law was about but now it is just another Cabinet post, a stop on the way to something or to somewhere more interesting. Both Gove and his predecessor Chris Grayling were journalists in a former life.  They do not give a toss about justice. Their only interest is in the cost of justice. Indeed, although Gove this week appeared to support the Lord Chief Justice’s call for £700 million to be spent on improving the administration of the courts, he told us that it would first have to go through Bob Ayling, the man who used to run British Airways, to put together a business case and thence to the Treasury for approval. A business case!  For justice! And there will of course have to be “efficiencies”.  Even less legal aid. Fewer Judges. You know the drill.  Justice will be treated the same way as costing plumper seating for business class – just another business. Gove even suggested that matters would be improved by A list legal firms doing a lot more pro bono work. WTF suspects that he has been watching too much of The Good Wife and whilst the lovely Alicia Florrick would clearly improve anything anywhere, what would improve the legal system is giving people who cannot afford it access to justice, not denying it to them by cutting legal aid. Ironically, as many have pointed out, Magna Carta provided that the State would not “sell, deny or delay right or justice to anyone”. Presumably Dave, Mike, Chris and Jacob must have missed that bit.

Talking of human rights and lawyers, here is Amal Clooney out for the night in London with Stella McCartney, the designer of her £1,500 onesie.

OK, let us meet things head on. Yes Amal is a top lawyer but she has clearly embraced the celebrity lifestyle. Do you suppose that she used to pop out for supper with Stella before she married George?  Sadly, embracing the celebrity lifestyle also means that she has embraced the noxious notion of shedding half her body weight and she is far too thin. Sartorially, Amal made rather more effort than Stella who looks as if she is popping out for a pint of milk. WTF is not a fan of Stella, dislikes onesies, really dislikes lace onesies and deplores the short legs on this one, like Robinson Crusoe out on the razz.

Still in London, we happen upon WTF Regular Rita Ora walking the streets of London  and letting it all hang out. Again.

The good news is that those are real tits. The bad news is that we can see far too much of them. In other news, the skirt is ugly and keeps winking at onlookers in a most unnerving way whilst the black hooves come straight from the saddling enclosure at Ascot.

Next we have model Shaun Ross at the Tinder launch party wearing Finnish designer Henrik Vibskov.

WTF has two questions. What on earth is Shaun wearing? And why is he wearing it? It  appears to be the lovechild of a set of jim-jims and a medieval prisoner’s uniform worn at Ye Olde Wormwoode Scrubbes round about the time that Lord Shaftsbury was parading in his periwig.  Shaun has paired his ridiculous ensemble with white Birkenstocks. White Birkenstocks!

Next to singer Katy Perry wearing Moschino.

Couture my backside. She is just a perambulating, mirror-image, matchy-matchy sandwich-board and that shoe-handbag (yours for only £450) is perfectly preposterous as well as constituting a dangerous, not to say offensive, weapon.

To Germany and singer Lily Allen attending a MAC makeup event.

Lily is dressed as a cake. Who knows why?

We now go to Canada and the Video MuchMusic Awards in Toronto where nonsense abounded. Here is the new thing in modelling, Gigi Hadid,  wearing Mikhael Kale.

And this is the back view.

Models are not always the brightest lamps in the chandelier but honestly, does Gigi really need her name on the back of her jacket? Is this the only way she can remember it? It is not as if there are going to be a large number of cream cropped leather biker jackets hanging around the Red Carpet in Toronto are there? And the way it is hanging around her shoulders is reminiscent of the late Charles Laughton in The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

As for the rest of the outfit, it is tacky, tacky, tacky.

And finally, at the same event, we have singer Jason Derulo (no 1 in UK for 4 weeks running) wearing …what is he wearing?

He looks like a hospital orderly. What nonsense is this? And he has ridiculous gold hi-top trainers and more diamonds than are to be found in the de Beers strongbox. Nice biceps though…..

This week’s It’s Got To Go is suggested by WTF aficionados Joshua and Juan who are appalled by men’s summer footwear. First (and WTF is entirely behind them on this one) they hate Crocs, those neon, plastic, holey buckets people put on their feet when the temperature rises. They are also against open-toed sandals and flip-flops worn with work-wear. Again they are right in this. WTF would go further. The problem with men and open footwear is that many gents have very manky feet, nasty unclean toenails and dirty heels crustier than a freshly-baked loaf. If you must expose your tootsies and heels, look after them a bit. It’s Got To Go.  

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in, which WTF enjoys like anything, and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got to Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

Today the selfie is everything, the quintessence of vacuousness and idiocy. Obama and Cameron were at it at Mandela’s funeral. It is now acceptable to take a selfie anywhere, even grinning inanely whilst standing in front of blood-spattered sun loungers in Sousse, like someone turning up too late for a snuff movie. Every day, thick-as-double-dogshit persons snap themselves  in front of a mirror, showing off their bits and put it on Instagram. If you are a so-called celebrity, the Daily Mail will reproduce the snap in the Sidebar of Shame.  It is a short cut to fame and fortune. But at what cost?

Labour MP for Rochdale Simon Danczuk, 47 and his buxom wife Karen Danczuk, 32 have just split up after 3 years of marriage and 2 children and are now engaged in the preliminary skirmishes of what promises to be a dirty divorce. Both of them are everywhere washing their smalls in public. (The Daily Telegraph is covering it. The Daily Telegraph!). According to Simon, his wife is obsessed by selfies of her cleavage and bum which she posts on social media. As  result, she has become a celebrity and addicted to fame. It is said by some that there may have been a dalliance with the personal trainer who has helped her lose 2 stone although Karen and her trainer deny it. According to Karen, Simon is jealous of her new-found celebrity. She told the Mirror that “It used to be all about Simon. I used to be his plus-one, but it changed dramatically and became more about me. Even at MP events, I became the star. Simon probably just felt a little taken aback.” Karen stood down as a local councillor in May to pursue a career in the media and is taking the Yellow Brick Road to Z list Heaven. Already she is talking about having her own reality show and she has an agent. Before you know it Karen will be in the Australian jungle dressed in a skimpy bikini and fellating a kangaroo’s testicle, albeit unattached to the marsupial in question. You can also expect a column in OK! Be still my beating heart…

WTF harbours some reservations about Simon who also appears a little too keen on the limelight. If he were made of chocolate he would eat himself. Nor did WTF approve of his dissing Party Leader Ed Miliband during the election campaign which, to be frank, was poor behaviour. But there is no denying that he has done excellent work in exposing the Establishment cover-up that allowed a former Rochdale MP, filthy, fat paedophile Cyril Smith, to get away with it for years and he was also instrumental in the campaign to have Lord Janner brought to court for similar alleged offences.  And yet the soon-to-be-former Mrs Danczuk considers herself the bigger “star”. And what has she done to achieve this?  By helping Mr Jones of Coronation Street, Rochdale to get a home carer for his sick wife? By writing a novel? No – Karen considers herself to be a “star” because she posts endless selfies of her cleavage and arse and has loads of followers on Twitter, most of whom post remarks along the lines of “Phwoar get a load of that!”. Karen has a brain, had political commitment and was doing something worthwhile but now all she wants is to be famous. Simon helps people. Karen helps herself.  What sort of role model is this for young women?

Vacuous celebrity seems a good place to start our sartorial review of the week in the form of former Made In Chelsea reality star and current swimwear designer, trustafarian Kimberley Garner wearing Mimi Tran. 

Dah dah, dah dah!!! Belly button buzzer! Dah dah, dah dah! Minge moment alert! Evacuate the building! Repeat – evacuate the building! Meanwhile, Kimberley resembles a client at a beauty spa smeared liberally with revolting turquoise slime – the sort of detoxifying bollocks Gwyneth Paltrow bangs on about on her Goop website. Except this looks like gloop, not goop.

Wimbledon is upon us so it seems appropriate to feature Polish tennis star Urszula Radwanska wearing not nearly enough at the WTA Pre-Wimbledon Party.

This is more Radwanksa than Radwanska. One had hoped that we had got over the Look-At-Me-I’ve-Got-No-Knickers-On! nonsense but clearly not. WTF hates a pube-porthole almost above all things and the lovely Urszula just comes off looking tacky. She also needs to sort those roots out – stat.

This is  actress and professional car crash Lindsay Lohan wearing Francesco Scognamilia.

Quite apart from anything else, the dress is plain ugly but there is also an excess of tittage. Later in the evening Lindsay removed the slip (in line with how the designer intended it to be worn) which made it even worse. As for the fronds, WTF can but surmise that Francesco is an ardent tennis fan and has nicked the Fred Perry logo.

To Glastonbury and warbling singer Will Young wearing stripes, socks and bush boots.

This is mattress ticking. Why?

Apart from the boots and the paper cup, he looks like an Edwardian bather taking the sea air at Bognor.

The BET Awards are always a rich source of revoltingness and 2015 was no exception. Heaven alone knows what any of this lot thought they are doing. We start with gospel singer Deitrick Haddon and his pregnant wife Dominique.

Dominique looks a bit swirly but WTF could have lived with it, were it not too close to Dietrick’s slithery, chequerboard suit like the lining in a cheap overcoat, his horrible tasselled loafers and a silk scarf last seen on the late Isadora Duncan. And look how that ended for her…

Now we have actress Raven Goodwin wearing Monif C.

This is just terribly, terribly terrible. Raven is wearing a giant scarlet nappy with unflattering slashed sleeves and there is something highly disconcerting about the labial folds of fabric around the crotch area…..

This is singer Mila J wearing WTF bugbear Michael Costello, a man who deplores a sewn-up seam.

Padded 70’s shoulders and a bajingo blind worn with dominatrix booties. Hideous.

Meet singer Charlie Wilson. He looks very cheery.

In fact, Charlie looks much cheerier than he deserves to look given that his ensemble is made from offcuts from the soft furnishings basket. They should have stayed in there…

Finally, we have actress Christina Milian wearing Erevos Aether.

And this is the side view.

This is sort of Pocahontas meets Barbarella and it is bad. The trousers are nestling into her crotch so snugly that they qualify for the category of Call for the Canesten and the pointy tit-spatulas are amongst the silliest things WTF has seen all year.

This week’s It’s Got To Go can be taken shortly but in truth it should be taken away in a hearse. Tennis fans who have been out all day, you know, at work, have previously been able to come home and watch highlights of the top games at Wimbledon on BBC2 with some illuminating match analysis in the studio from former star players. No longer. Instead the BBC, determined to make things “fun” and “current”, have devised a steaming pile of poo called – wait for it – Wimbledon2day. This features hardly any highlights and a lot of inane chat set in a mock bar with mock grass, pundits leaning on bar tables and members of  the public standing about to no purpose. There are also home movies of little kiddies playing tennis and some shockingly bad jokes. Oh and there is Clare Balding without whom no national event can ever now be broadcast. Here is the news. Tennis fans have enough fun watching tennis. They do not require jokes, kiddies and pretend pubs. It’s Got To Go. 

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in because they make WTF’s day. There was a paucity last week so hit that button right away and don’t neglect your excellent suggestions for It’s Got to Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

You only had to look at Iain Duncan-Smith, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, last Wednesday to know that there was something wrong with the Budget – the first pure Tory budget (if that is not an oxymoron) in 20 years.   There is a new Living Wage of £7 20, increasing to £9 by 2020 (but only for those over 25) whilst at the same time £12bn was to be cut from the Welfare Budget by 2020. Student maintenance grants were also to be cut, hammering more nails into the coffin of social mobility. IDS, a man who induces IBS in WTF and many others, was pumping his fists and shouting “get in!!” like Andy Murray at match point. Of course, if you have a house worth £1m, possibly decorated with wallpaper and fabric from the Chancellor’s family firm Osborne & Little, your heirs can now inherit it without paying tax. But there are many people whose house is not worth a tenth of that. There are many other people who cannot and never will afford a house at all. Osborne and IBS say those people are also better off because the Government has introduced the living wage so that the Tories are the party of B&Q, not just of O&L. Yes, we really are all in it together. But by Thursday lunchtime, the independent Institute for Fiscal Studies had punched the numbers and the verdict was damning. 13m families will each lose £260 a year because of the freeze on working-age benefits. Families receiving tax credits will be significantly worse off – IFS estimates that the reforms will cost 3m families £5,000 a year each. Its director Paul Johnson told the BBC “Given the array of benefit cuts, it is not surprising that the changes overall are regressive – taking much more from poorer households than richer ones. Looking over the period of the consolidation as a whole, poorer households have done worse than those in the middle and upper middle parts of the income distribution though it remains the case that the some of the biggest losers have been those right at the very top of the income distribution.”

The “Living Wage” is just an statutory increase in the National Minimum Wage introduced by the Labour Government in 1998 and in effect since 1999. At the time it was vigorously opposed by the Tories and one David Cameron, then the prospective Tory candidate in Stafford, said that the NMW would “send unemployment straight back up”. It is commendable that Cameron changed his tune but it is hard enough to live on £7 20 an hour without someone removing your tax credits. By all means get layabouts off their arses and into work but do not penalise further those who actually want to work or study. WTF is having trouble deciding what is the more offensive – the sight of a Government Minister yelping with delight or that of our bloodless Chancellor once again plundering  society’s worst-off and having the effrontery to pretend that he is actually doing them a favour.

Now Readers, be warned. There is a lot of tittage and flimsy, floppy fashion about in this week’s sartorial post-mortem and the joke is that most of it comes from the World’s most famous fashion houses. We start with model Suki Waterhouse wearing Valentino to the Serpentine Gallery party in Hyde Park.

The side view is even worse. 

WTF has never seen the point of Suki, especially when dressed as a mint Tinkerbell with tits. The top, not that it is a top, is more like the mortal remains of an exploded sea anemone landed randomly upon her chest.

To Paris Fashion Week (Haute Couture) where a variety of models and actresses floated from front row to cocktails to charity balls wearing their borrowed finery. We begin with fashionista and socialite supreme Olivia Palermo wearing Dior. 

This vomit-yellow silk thing is so crumpled that Olivia seems to have slept in it on the plane to Paris. The bag is terrible. The Miss Haversham hair is terrible. The accessories are terrible. It is all just terribly, terribly terrible.

Next we encounter Dutch supermodel Doutzen Kroes wearing Versace at the amFAR Gala.

Cersei Lannister from Game of Thrones meets The Queen of the May. There is an inordinate amount of tit and you can see her undies, although at least she is wearing some.

Here is Rita Ora wearing Chanel. Almost…. Blimey. It’s the Tin Man in a tuxedo. Without a bra. 

This is heiress Nicky Hilton attending the Versace show wearing Versace.

Nicky is wearing a white Emmenthal cheese. And here is the back. 

Nicky has let it be known that her wedding dress (she marries James Rothschild today) will be very traditional. We can but hope that everything will remain under wraps, at least until the wedding night.

And then there was actress Lily Collins (daughter of soporific singer Phil) wearing Chanel at Chanel.

Oh this is bad. Not just bad as in bad but bad as in fuck-me-that’s-bad bad, a grubby net curtain worn Ali-Baba style over black Bridget Jones granny-pants and bra and weirdly sensible courts. The poor girl is clearly mortified and with reason.

Mariah Carey was, as ever, wearing something frightful whilst holidaying with her new beau, squillionaire James Packer (left), on his yacht.

You are supposed to glow when newly in love but Mariah is positively nuclear. As for the frock, the seams look as if she is wearing her stockings back to front. Sadly, the rear view (sic) is no better.

Clock the Alaia sandals, yours for only £545. But they do not compensate for those thighs and Spanx Power Panties paraded coram publico through Cannes. It is time for Mariah to rethink her wardrobe choices. 

Finally we are in LA to meet Sports Illustrated model Samantha Hoopes at the premiere of Magic Mike 2, which she isn’t even in, wearing Charbel Zoe.

This really falls into the category identified by WTF aficionado Sian as “That’s Not Even Clothes”, just strips of tinfoil and Sellotape over the gauzy stuff you use to wrap cakes at one of those Midsomer Summer Fetes where someone gets hit on the head with a hammer behind the hot dog stall just as DI Barnaby is chatting with the locals in the tea tent. Those tits are distinctly improbable, like a couple of basketballs from the Sports Illustrated stock cupboard. Tits are not supposed to be spherical. Why do plastic surgeons not know this?

WTF is triumphant that having excoriated the BBC’s putrid tennis highlights programme Wimbledon 2day  in last week’s It’s Got To Go, it then disappeared to the consternation of absolutely no-one. So now she is going for the double in calling for the demise of those shrieking women  players whose every exertion is met with screams you would hear were Freddy Krueger to gatecrash an orgy. Maria Sharapova and Viktoria Azarenka are the worst offenders, emitting sounds that make you want to do a Van Gogh and cut off your ear. In fact, both ears. Of course players are going to grunt but this racket, like one of Yvonne Ridley’s peacocks undergoing an appendectomy sans anaesthetic, is another thing altogether and It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in and don’t neglect your excellent suggestions for It’s Got to Go. WTF is taking a break and will be back with you on Friday 31 July. Be good x

Hallo Readers, 

What a week for WTF to return. The perfect political scandal. Some sleazy old stoat you’ve never heard of. Who just happens to be in charge of conduct at the House of Lords. Cocaine. Paid ladies. Snorting cocaine off the ample breasts of one of the said paid ladies. Putting on the orange bra of one of the said paid ladies (distressingly filling the cups with his horrible, saggy moobs). Grandly disparaging his Labour Party colleagues whilst stoned out of his head and wearing the said orange bra. What did the Lord Sewel scandal not have? The photos of this distinguished Parliamentarian with a rolled-up fiver up his nose (cheapskate) and his wrinkly winkle were the highlight of the year to date. He held out for a few days but eventually succumbed to public pressure and quit the House of Lords to return to Aberdeen where the third Lady Sewel was waiting with a baseball bat and a vat of boiling porridge. Meanwhile, a posse of police raided his London flat in full view of the cameras. This week police chiefs announced that if you are burgled, don’t expect the bobbies to call because they are too busy with other matters. Like 6 of them searching for a bit of coke….

Here’s the thing. There is no mechanism to chuck naughty nobles out of the Lords or to strip them of their peerages. So had Lord Sewel decided to brazen it out, he could have stayed on trousering £300 a day of public funds in order to buy more stuff to snort whilst waggling his willy at a couple of tarts.  Even now he is still Lord Sewel. The House of Lords is stuffed fuller than that orange bra with all manner of arse-lickers and fundraisers who have brown-nosed or bought the right to parade around in ermine and have a good lunch and a snooze courtesy of the taxpayers. And to pass laws and to block laws and in the case of Lord Sewel to tell other Lords how they should behave. 800 people we have never elected who are there at the say-so of the Party Leaders.  There is venality and jiggery-pokery in the Commons but you can throw them out. Here, a life peerage for someone is a life sentence for the people (us) who pay to keep them in there. It is time to chuck the whole lot of them onto the streets and have an elected second chamber. Let this current batch pay for their own lunch and find a park bench or old people’s home to sleep away the afternoon. There is however one thing to say in favour of Lord Sewel. Too out of it to notice that the paid ladies were quizzing him on political matters (scripted by Sun hacks), he gave his opinion of David Cameron and you cannot argue with it. “The most facile, superficial Prime Minister there has ever been”. Give that man a job on Newsnight.

This week’s selection from the sartorial shitpile is an interesting blend of fully covered and barely covered. But they are all very, very bad. We start with young actress Ashley Benson wearing Miu Miu.

She is wearing satin tit slings. WTF does not even want to think what injury you would sustain to wear satin tit slings or why you would team them with a matchy-matchy pink purse. But it sounds as painful as it looks.

 Jennifer Lopez is flashing the flesh – again. Here she is at her 46th birthday party, sort of wearing  Bao Tranchi.

Tawdry and tacky and the quintessence of a Minge Moment. And from the side, there is an expanse of visible arse, like a large watermelon gift-wrapped in gauze.

WTF will say this again. Jennifer, you are stunning for any age but you have to stop this. For both our sakes and for yours. And lay off the lip liner because your mouth looks like a couple of rubber tyres.

Now we encounter splendid actress Tilda Swinton wearing Valentino.

For some reason, Tilda is dressed as His Holiness The Pope. Who knows why?

More lunacy, this time from actress Juliette Lewis. WTF does not know what she is wearing but it is way beyond terrible.

A swimsuit under a string vest. Trousers 2 sizes too small, the zip straining to contain the wearer with more folds than a Fortuny frock. Knee pads. Black and white boots like a Dalmatian’s paws. And eyes like a boxer after a bad beating. This would not be many people’s look of choice. And with good reason.

Leonardo di Caprio held a Party in St Tropez with the proceeds – a whopping $40m – going to Environmental charities. Clock the beard-and-topknot combo.

He appears to have a turd on his head. Note that Leo is not giving us a peek of his arse or his dingly-danglies. In contrast, the dress code for the guests appears to have been “not a lot” .  Let us start with actress Michelle Rodriguez wearing Francesco Scognamiglio.

This Scognamiglio is a pest, designing hideous outfits consisting of nothing more than a scrap of embellished chiffon. The appliquéd roses do not even cover her bits and the top of them below the armpits look like pussycat ears. 

Be that howsoever it may be, Michelle is positively overdressed compared to Canadian model Jessica Stam, also wearing Francesco Scognamiglio.

Readers paying close attention will remember Lindsay Lohan wearing the same “dress”  with its embroidered Fred Perry logo but she had a slip underneath. And it looked like shit then. This is far worse and that is before you get to the rear view.

WTF is fairly certain that Jessica does not have cellulite and that were she to jump up and down for a prolonged period, absolutely nothing would move save for the hair and the shoe laces. So why is she wearing something that seems to give her ripples and which emphasises her arse-cheeks and bony elbows? It is as much a mystery as the Bermuda Triangle.

And there was another top model Irina Shayk wearing Versace.

The vulgarity of the dress is a given. It is Versace. It is also a trifle tight over the tits. But what the hell is this triangular thing?

At first sight it appears to be a sanitary pad but it is unlikely that she would stick it straight onto the gown. WTF can only conclude that it is there to act as labial lid but look closely and it appears to have a face with eyes and a nose like a newborn puppy. Whatever it is, it should not be on view. 

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from husband and wife combo Ben and Kathryn from Kent who have just returned from Europe and are dismayed by tourists at scenic sights who expect others to wait whilst they photograph their loved ones with more pfaffing about than Mario Testino on a fashion shoot.  Frankly WTF makes it a point of principle to barge past and ruin the shot but Ben and Kathryn are clearly better brought up. However, if you do walk into the shot, they fix you with a glare that would melt the Polar Icecap. Why people think they are entitled to block everyone else’s right of way, Ben and Kathryn cannot say but they do know – and in this they are 100% correct – that It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in because they make WTF’s day so hit that button right away and don’t neglect your excellent suggestions for It’s Got to Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers

Is this why the country has been in the shit for so many years? Allegations persist that some members of Establishment might have been abusing children rather than getting to grips with the nation’s problems. This week’s possible paedophile is none other than former Prime Minister Sir Edward Heath, aka Sailor Ted, a confirmed batchelor who held office in the 1970’s. There were always hints that he might be what used to be known as a homosexual but this is another thing altogether. In fact, the general presumption was that Heath had never had sex with anyone, probably not even with himself and that the only wand he ever waved was the one he used to conduct orchestras. This week, however, brought the allegation that Wiltshire Police had failed to investigate Heath despite complaints about him and that a certain Madam Ling-Ling had also threatened to expose him if she herself was prosecuted. This Madam Ling-Ling is not the now-deceased giant panda but a pander, a brothel-keeper from Salisbury. You couldn’t make it up.

     Madam Ling-Ling                                        Ling-Ling the Panda

As it happens, Madam Ling-Ling denies she blackmailed police into dropping the charges against her and says she never met Heath and that he never frequented her brothel but Wiltshire Police and 5 other Forces say people are coming forward in numbers to allege that Sailor sexually assaulted or raped them. The problem is that Heath is dead. In the same way as politicians like Leon Brittan MP and Cyril Smith MP are dead. There can never be a trial in which they face the evidence against them and answer the allegations and for a jury to decide whether it is satisfied beyond reasonable doubt that an offence took place and for us to know whether these allegations are proven. The police backed off or were told to back off so that the allegations were never progressed when they should have been. Instead the Establishment closed rank and kept us proles in the dark because it would not be good for Britain if MPs and Ministers and Judges and Civil Servants and Who Knows Who Else amongst the Great and the Good were shown to be, or even alleged to be, not Great and not Good and because the Establishment always looks after its own like a posh Cosa Nostra even when some of the people in it (Cyril Smith anyone?) were not remotely posh. As a result, the complainants were never heard. It is a sad and sorry chapter in this country’s history. 

WTF wants you lot to know that writing this blog in the summer months is hard. There are no award ceremonies and celebs are either on holiday or mooching around town in jeans and tee shirts like the rest of us. But WTF has managed to identify some serious fashion errors this week, starting with Downton Abbey’s Michelle Dockery wearing Dion Lee.

WTF has taken a strong dislike to Michelle, whose I-speak-your-weight delivery as Lady Mary drives her to distraction and she cannot bear bottle green, it being the colour of her school uniform. But she also dislikes the gold sandals, the tit-window and the Granny’s string shopping bag over-skirt.

Get your sunglasses on for this one! Here is actress Regina King wearing something very, very bright.

Ouch. Ouch for the colour. Ouch for the hanging things. Ouch for the single sleeve, which WTF hates almost above all things. Ouch for the leg-of-mutton single sleeve. Ouch for the shoes. Ouch.

Next we meet America’s Next Top Model’s Tyra Banks, herself a former top model, wearing Roland Mouret with Alejandro G sandals. 

The Krystle Carrington dress has shoulders broader than Sunset Boulevard and the asymmetric neckline and hemline are doing her no favours. As for the circulation-stopping sandals, they are a health hazard. Tyra looks as if her head has been superimposed onto someone else’s body – someone with wide hips. As for the horrified expression, WTF can only assume that she has just seen her reflection in the mirror.

Tyra is about to do a new show with model Chrissy Teigen and they appeared on someone else’s chat show to plug it. Chrissy was wearing Alessandra Rich.

A pinstripe bra and Al Capone trousers? Really? The appropriate word is “why”? Even on a top model, this is unflattering whilst sitting down. And also very, very silly.

Oh no! Here is wonderful actress and Hollywood grande dame Meryl Streep wearing Balmain.

You would expect something like this measle-fest on tat-merchants like the Kardashians or one of the Real Housewives of Crapville but not on Meryl. It is like the Pope farting in public whilst wearing jeans – just wrong, wrong, wrong.

We now encounter serial shocker, actress and arse-flasher Maitland Ward. Who is again flashing her arse. It is, after all, her raison d’être.

Oh for Heaven’s sake. This is a tie-dye top. There is supposed to be a bottom, not Maitland’s bottom. Put your cellulite away love….we have all seen it too many times.

This next one is bad. Please meet Z-Lister and daughter of the late comedian Les Dawson, Charlotte Dawson, at the Blue Hues Summer Evening in Manchester wearing Rene K Couture.

Rene K Couture has as much in common with couture as Charlotte does with Audrey Hepburn. The turquoise body and lace thing screams vulgarity and minge in equal measure. And that is before you get to the rear view, albeit that Charlotte did it on purpose.

Hands up anyone who ever saw Audrey Hepburn flash her arse? And it was  a much better arse than this one. Charlotte describes herself as Model/Actress/Makeup Artiste. Makeup artiste? She should sue herself….

Finally, we have actress Kate Mara, star of the new blockbuster The Fantastic Four, wearing a Dior top and someone else’s terrible shorts.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???? The Dior top is gorgeous but those snatch shorts have got to go. In fact they are downright disturbing. People often dream that they have gone out without their knickers on. In Kate’s case, she went out looking as if she had no knickers on. And if that is not a nightmare, WTF does not know what is. Oh, and she and the sandy-haired chap next to her appear to share the same barber.

This week’s It’s Got to Go can be taken shortly. WTF is sick and tired, and sick and tired some more, of the expression “lost his/her (brave) battle with cancer”.  Not only is it a dreadful, lazy cliché but it is very insulting. If you die because a horrible disease destroyed your body, are you a coward? Or a crap soldier? Of course not. Stop it. Now.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in because they bring sunshine into WTF’s day. Nor should you neglect your excellent suggestions for It’s Got to Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

Look at this picture and tell me what you see……

The man lying prone of the turf is Chelsea’s Eden Hazard. He earns £200,000 a week. Yes, you did read that right. On Sunday, Chelsea were unexpectedly drawing 2-2 at home with Swansea on the first day of the season and down to 10 men. With less than 2 minutes to go, Hazard was tackled, fell to the ground and stayed there. At which point, the referee beckoned on Chelsea’s medical staff, club doctor Eva Carneiro and physiotherapist Jon Fearn to treat Hazard in what seemed to be the last stages of terminal death. Football rules dictate that a player treated by medics has to leave the field and come back on again which meant that for a minute or so Chelsea would be down to 8 outfield players and left yet more vulnerable. The manager, Jose Mourinho went raving mad, cavorting in rage like an epileptic eel and screaming profanities. On their return to the dugout he publicly abused Carneiro and Fearn and told them “to get off the fucking pitch”.  Both have been banned from the bench but Carneiro has also been banned from the changing room and the team hotel and confined to duties at the training ground. Mourinho says “I wasn’t happy with my medical staff because even if you are a medical doctor or secretary on the bench you have to understand the game”. This was a dig at Carneiro because most men are arseholes when it comes to football and believe that women, even those with a medical degree, cannot understand the game whereas the dimmest bloke with the IQ of a root vegetable can get his head around it. And Mourinho is an industrial strength arsehole. WTF also wondered at the use of the word “secretary” as in “take a letter Ms Carneiro”. Carneiro has been demoted. Fearn appears to have been more lightly punished. It now being put about that the players were unhappy with having a woman in the dressing room because it meant they had to moderate their behaviour. That old chestnut. 

Here’s the thing. Either Hazard was injured, in which case he needed medical help, or he was running down the clock. When Mourinho said that Carneiro did not understand the game, he meant that she did not realise that Hazard was cheating. Chelsea employs a doctor and a physiotherapist team to tend to their expensive prima donnas but when one of them did his Anna Pavlova as the Dying Swan act and they ran on to treat him, they were publicly humiliated and the woman was demoted. M’Learned friends are already rubbing their hands in glee and eyeing up the Krug.

According to Mourinho, he knew Hazard just had a knock and was tired. Tired? He had 90 seconds to go (in which time he would earn another £29 76). But instead of ranting and raving at Hazard for cheating or at his goalkeeper for getting himself sent off, he bollocked the doctors. And of course this has managed to divert attention away from Chelsea’s disappointing performance. Mourinho is good at that. And that, Readers, is the essence of The Beautiful Game today. 

This week saw the premiere of The Man From Uncle and it was attended by singer and actor Reeve Carney wearing…well what WAS he wearing?

Reeve looks like the lovechild of a young Jackson Browne and Sam Weller from The Pickwick Papers. Particularly deplorable are the trousers that have had a serious argument with his ankles, the shrunken jacket and the braces. Yurgle…

We haven’t seen one of WTF’s favourite Z-listers recently so it is a pleasure to welcome back actress Chelsee Healey out in Manchester wearing Liverpool designer KU Spendlove and a rather lovely Chanel bag.

The hair was last seen on the back end of a horse at Royal Ascot and the white sequinned catsuit is bog-standard bad, too long and ill-fitting. The side however is seriously appalling.

Chelsee is currently appearing in Casualty. WTF knows this because the programme is her guilty secret even though it is rubbish. WTF nearly had to go to Casualty herself on catching sight of Chelsee’s exposed tittage. Just. Not. Necessary.

Last week we had Madam Ling-Ling. This week we have WTF stalwart, actress and professional flasher Bai Ling. Here she is out to dinner in LA.

This would not even pass muster if she were coming back from the pool, let alone walking around LA. Never mind Let’s Go To The Paris. This is more a case of Let’s Go To The Doctor. And why is she wearing bloody sunglasses in the dark?

This week young Kylie Jenner, one of the new Addams Family that is the Kardashian/Jenner clan, turned 18. Among the guests at the bash was Zayn Malik,  farouche former member of the World’s most successful boy band One Direction. (He ditched them for his fiancée. He then ditched his fiancée. Go figure…). The bomber jacket is Louis Vuitton.

Zayn fancies himself as a Fashionista and this is a sobering example of what modern men’s fashion looks like, i.e. shit. WTF has long banged on about the awfulness of men’s trousers and these are exhibit A. Are they zipless jeans? Are they jogging pants? Why are they concertina’d around his shins? Answer on a postcard please….. 

Oh dear. Kris Jenner just does not learn. She attended her daughter’s party wearing an Agent Provocateur bustier and a Balmain jacket.

True, the entire Jenner/Kardashian clash are pure trash but this look caught WTF’s eye. It is very blind brothel keeper (Madame Ling-Ling, the LA version) taken for a walk by her young carer. Except that the young carer is Kris’ lover, Corey Gamble, 25 years her junior and she, like Bai Ling, is wearing sunglasses in the dark. (WHY? Just asking…) 

It now turns out that Kris wants her ex-husband Caitlin Jenner (né Bruce) to go on a double date with her, Corey and a man of Caitlyn’s choosing, the whole thing to be recorded for her reality TV series. Pass the sick bucket.

Kris’ son Rob Kardashian used to date Rita Ora and here she is popping out (and popping out are the mots justes) in New York wearing Vera Wang but without the bodice that is supposed to go under the top. 

There may be people living in the Gobi desert who have not seen Rita’s cleavage. Lucky them. The rest of us are subjected to it on a regular basis and it has become tiresome. WTF hates a visible bellybutton almost above all things and is not a fan of trousers with no feet at the end of them or hair like an Afghan hound. 

And finally, we say hello to a newcomer to these pages, comedian and actress Amy Schumer at the Berlin premiere of her new movie “Trainwreck” wearing something or other and Giuseppe Zanotti sandals

You can tell that Amy is a comedian because she is dressed like a saucy dental nurse with two-tone tits. Two-tone tits are never a good look, resembling as they do a couple of brown boiled eggs in white egg cups. There needs to be more skirt, she is as orange as an orange and the footwear looks fiendishly uncomfortable. Meanwhile, Amy’s stylist needs a slap, a P45 and another slap.

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Daniel from Stevenage who is fed up with Arsenal manager Arsène Wenger but even more fed up with starting the football season every year reading the opinions of (alleged) experts and pundits various who inform him that this year will different from last year and that Arsenal really will be able to mount a challenge for the title. Because, says Daniel, they can’t and they won’t and buying a 34 year old Chelsea reject goalkeeper and giving the lads 8 weeks holiday will not change anything and a lot of trees are dying in vain so that this rubbish can be printed. WTF is reminded of Sally Bowles’ plaintive song in Cabaret – Maybe This Time…. And that didn’t work out either, did it?

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in because they keep WTF cheerful and don’t neglect your excellent suggestions for It’s Got to Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

The day after little Ed Miliband got trounced at the General Election, he stepped down as Leader of the Labour Party and the race for his successor was on. The main contenders were Yvette Cooper with the short hair and disapproving expression of a schoolteacher facing a classroom full of indolent thickies; Andy Burnham with eyelashes like a pantomime horse; and bouncy-haired Liz Kendall of whom no one had ever heard and whose policies seemed somewhat to the right of David Cameron’s. All of them sought to distance themselves from the very policies they had espoused only days earlier when campaigning for a Labour Government. Then Jeremy Corbyn, a bearded lefty  backbencher straight out of central casting, entered the fray and since then it has all gone tits up for the other three. 

Corbyn wears a vest (that is an undershirt to you US Readers) and belongs to the All-Party Parliamentary Cheese group. WTF would like to know what they do at the Cheese Group? Do they sit around discussing the respective merits of Stinking Bishop and Shropshire Blue (or in Jeremy’s case, Red Leicester?). He is a veteran left winger who differs from his rivals in one very important aspect. He has policies he actually believes in. And what is more, they are the same policies he has always had.  He is an unashamed socialist. He believes in re-nationalising the railways (so does WTF) and the Post Office (so does WTF) and the utility companies (so does WTF), things we used to own until they got flogged off in a garage sale to hedge funds and mates of George Osborne. He is against Trident (so is WTF). He is against the absurd vanity project that is HS2, a high speed railway that will decimate beautiful British countryside (so is WTF). He is sceptical about remaining a member of the EU (so is WTF). He does not want to spend time inserting his head into the back bottom of media tycoons and business magnates. He always opposed the Iraq War, student tuition fees and the Tory Government’s new Welfare Bill. This is all good stuff. He does seem to have been keeping company with some dodgy Holocaust deniers but WTF does not believe that he is an anti-semite. However, whether the country will ever vote for him is another question altogether. WTF does not believe they will and he has yet to explain how all his plans for the NHS and Housing and Education and other largesse are to be funded.

Burnham, Cooper and Kendall are now fighting amongst themselves like bald men bickering over a comb. And a comb has more teeth than any of them. Each is attacking the others for not stepping down. Cooper is playing the is-it-because-I’m-a-woman card? (Answer – no). Burnham is blaming Cooper for getting in his way as Leader. Kendall is claiming conspiracies. But the plain fact is that none of them is inspirational or impressive, just career politicians without any discernible personality or conviction.  If you want Tory-lite, you might as well vote Tory. Without Scotland the Labour Party can never win another election and Scotland has slipped away from Labour completely, probably never to return. Perhaps if you are going to be condemned to a long period in opposition, you might as well have someone who actually will oppose. But either way, the future seems bleak if you are not a Tory or Scottish Nationalist…..

To the fashion debacles of the week starting with Liverpool footballer Fabio Borini on his wedding day to Erin O’Neill.

Erin is a bit over-embellished over the tits for WTF’s taste but her main concern is for Fabio who looks like a pillock with that ridiculous hair, shiny aubergine 3-piece suit and silly barmitzvah-boy bowtie.

Now we have Orange Is The New Black’s Taylor Schilling out and about in Amsterdam wearing a Vatanika shirt, 3.1 Philip Lim shorts and Giuseppe Zanotti sandals. The sandals cost £1147.

Love her. Hate the hair. Hate the sheer bra-flashing shirt with unnecessary keyhole. Hate the sandals like snakes nestling on her insteps. She has terrific legs but nothing can save this outfit.

Next we meet Oscar-winning actor Christian Bale at LA Airport (seen here with his young daughter) wearing something picked out of a skip.

After World War 2, Japanese soldiers disappeared into the forests in Borneo and such in order to avoid capture and emerged 30 years later blinking in the sunshine to discover that in the meantime they’d gone and invented the Internet and colour TV. Christian looks like he has been in hiding for a similar period without access to washing and shaving facilities and that fishing hat is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord.

Here we have Australian model and lifestyle guru Lindy Klim wearing Toni Maticevski.

 WTF can say with confidence that this is one of the silliest things she has ever seen in the history of ever. It is as if a giant bridal veil has just floated randomly past and attached itself to Lindy’s chest. Bonkers.  Someone has also overdone it on the rouge….

This is Oscar nominee Hailee Steinfeld wearing Miu Miu.

When WTF was young, no one stepped out anywhere dressed in plastic traffic netting, not even road workers. But in the second decade of the 21st century it is positively de rigeur. First we had aspiring actress Joy Villa at the Grammys wearing an André Soriano dress made out of the original orange netting and now we have Hailee wearing a purple Miu Miu version. And it’s still shit.

To the Teen Choice Awards and rapper Flo Rida.

This outfit is nobody’s choice. Without trying to bring the tone down to a level even lower than the usual vulgarity of this blog, the red running down his inside leg and onto the silk trainers seems like a transgender version of the phenomenon known as “free bleeding”. Whatever it is, it is unpleasant. Just go away.

Finally, also in attendance at the Awards was singer Britney Spears wearing Mikael D.

Oh dear. Tinkerbell goes on the game. And that hair! Those cheese-slicer sandals! Just terribly, terribly terrible. Time for Mikael D to consider a new line of work. Like street sweeping.Meanwhile what has happened to Britney’s face? There is more than a suspicion that there has been some interference with the workings of nature….

This week’s It’s Got To was suggested by WTF aficionado Mark from Romford who takes great exception to crocheted clothing. In fact, Mark even sent WTF a picture to illustrate his displeasure.

Mark has 2 main objections, both of them valid. First, he does not want to see what lies beneath the crochet on either men or women. And second, crochet is just ugly. WTF would add that it is also often either lumpy or silly or both. Like here…. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in. When they dry up WTF goes all moody and pisses off her nearest and dearest by sulking and looking anxious. And do not neglect your excellent suggestions for It’s Got to Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

If you go into one of 72 Côte Restaurants across the UK and feast upon Steak Frites or Tuna Niçoise and a glass or two of wine, you will find that a service charge of 12.5% is automatically added to the bill. Ask the waiters whether they actually receive the money and they will tell you that they do. Except that they don’t – Côte takes it all. And the reason the staff will tell you that they keep the tips is that Côte instructs them to tell you that. The company’s explanation is that the service charge allows Côte to pay staff above the minimum wage (currently at £6 50 for those over 21). Côte ever-so-generously pays its waiting staff £7 50 – £8 an hour although this falls well short of the (optional) London Living Wage of £9 15. Readers are urged not to lie awake worrying about Côte – last year its profits increased 27% to a tasty £16.3m. This practice is not unique. After the London Evening Standard broke the story, similar allegations were made against another restaurant chain (ironically called Bill’s) although that company has denied them. Elsewhere in the gastronomic jungle where the big corporations snack upon the little people who make their money for them, the restaurant chain operating pizza joints Zizzi and Ask Italia reclaims 8% from staff to cover the “administration fees” for credit card tips. So does Pizza Express with its 430 restaurants. Café Rouge, Strada, Prezzo and Giraffe reclaim 10%. Last year Café Rouge and its sister eateries Belgo and Bella Italia made a profit of £33.3m. So here’s a tip from WTF. Give these places their just desserts and boycott them until they change their policy. And well done eateries like Carluccio’s, Garfunkel’s, Wagamama and Gourmet Burger Kitchen that allow staff to keep 100% of the tips which were supposed to be for them anyway.

WTF’s beef about the Côte story is the way in which the company appeared to congratulate itself on paying more than the minimum wage and she is also cheesed off at its instruction to staff to mislead paying punters about the tips policy. Even George Osborne is about to raise the minimum wage by imposing a mandatory “Living Wage” (albeit that he will take money off the recipients in other ways) and Business Secretary, super-smoothie Sajid Javid, says Côte’s conduct takes the biscuit and that “this One Nation Government” (pause to vomit in mouth) will stop the practice. Listening to Côte’s PR machine, you would think that it was a philanthropic organisation in the manner of the late Joseph Rowntree rather than a purveyor of faux-French brasserie food ripping off employees and customers alike. The current owner, CBPE Capital, bought the chain two years ago and was hoping to flog it later this year for £200m. Now that the Côte name is as pungent as a Poulet Breton past its sell-by date, that figure may now be regarded as somewhat over-ambitious. Shamies…..

We start our review of the week’s fashion faeces with actress Eva Longoria wearing David Koma.

This is awful. It has an illusion sleeve as worn by ice skaters and gymnasts. It also has peekaboo panels and WTF deplores the impression that someone rode a muddy bicycle over Eva whilst she was napping in the park.

Meet Australian Home and Away soap actress Ada Nicodemou wearing Carla Zampatti.

The fuchsia silk is positively migraine-inducing (although in fairness to Ada, she opts for that shade of pink to match the Priceline Pharmacy logo as she is their “Ambassador”) and there is something very vaginal about the front seam on her trousers. And what are those the waist flaps? They are like Dumbo’s ears.

This is actress and singer Zendaya wearing the stupidest pair of jeans ever in the history of ever.

These jeans are not so much distressed as hysterical. Were they savaged on the washing line by pack of crows? Also, whilst WTF does not wish to intrude into personal matters, Zendaya’s knees seem a bit battered. What can she have been up to?

Here are top barrister Amal Clooney wearing Vionnet and her husband George Clooney wearing terrible jeans. They are in Ibiza to flog George’s new Tequila line. 

Amal! No! NO! You used to be known for your brains and for your beauty. Now you are more made-up than Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard and simultaneously both overdressed and underdressed in gauzy gold gift wrap with your white undies showing. As for George, those jeans have got to go. And those Hush Puppies. Why is she dressed as a Christmas tree decoration and he looks like he’s popping out for a pint of milk?

This is a newcomer to these pages, young actor Shiloh Fernandez at the première of his new movie We are Your Friends wearing a GANT Rugger suit.

As you know, criticism is alien to WTF’s nature but Shiloh looks like a sack of shit. There is the terrible jacket like a school prefect’s blazer, the scruffy shirt with the collar at right angles to his shoulders, the crappy tie and the Charlie Chaplin trousers. But those shoes! Those shoes are amongst the worst items of male footwear ever encountered. It is as though they were freshly retrieved from a cement mixer. Whoever put Shiloh into this abomination of an outfit is not his friend. Not even at all.

And now we have former glamour model, now bodybuilder and reality star Jodie Marsh on her wedding day in Florida. She is wearing a “custom-made” jumpsuit by Pink Strawberry.

WTF tried to recall when she saw anything more terrible and then gave up. As far as she can see, Jodie is wearing a giant nappy-cum-onesie cut away to reveal arse cleavage and a collection of hideous tattoos. The front view is also bad, displaying a large amount of fake tittage.

Should you and your senses have parted company, you can buy this item of clothing for £38 50. And you will still have overpaid. Let us hope that the marriage lasts longer than Jodie’s first effort which collapsed after only three months.

Finally, we have WTF regular Sharon Stone wearing Traver Rains.

Last week we had Britney Spears looking like Tinkerbell on the game and this week we have Sharon in a shower curtain looking like Tinkerbell’s mum. Sharon – it is time to put your nipples away. Quite apart from anything else, everyone has seen them. Furthermore WTF doubts that fairies even have nipples let alone that they fly about flashing them in public.

This week’s It’s Got To Go was suggested by WTF aficionado Holly from London who is up in arms about the awfulness of middle-aged men who wear their thinning hair in a ratty little ponytail, made even worse by the aforesaid ratty little ponytail nestling under a growing bald spot. It really is the quintessence of sad. Holly is also appalled by the phenomenon of the little male bun known, alas, as the “mun” or “bro  bun”.

It looks like crap on Colin Farrell – imagine it on someone 25 years older. It has definitely Got To Go….

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There was a glut of quite splendid comments last week which perked WTF up no end so keep them coming in as well as your top suggestions for It’s Got to Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

This week is about the End of Shame. We will get to the sartorial shitpile shortly but first there is moral shame. WTF is all for rehabilitation but that involves those concerned recognising that their conduct was wrong. Over the past few days, people whom you had hoped had gone away for good popped back up brazen and unapologetic. Take Douglas Hogg, MP for Grantham until 2010 when he stepped down in the aftermath of the Parliamentary expenses scandal. It was Hogg who submitted the notorious claim for cleaning his moat at his estate Kettlethorpe Hall together with the cost of a full time housekeeper, work to his stables, tuning his piano and £617 for a mole-catcher. The only surprise is that there was no claim for the cost of a minion to wipe his arse. Cameron tried to get him a life Barony in 2011 but the appointment was blocked. Now he has been elevated to the House of Lords in the Dissolution Honours List even though he already is a bloody Viscount. What Hogg can add to the Parliamentary process is unclear but doubtless the £300 a day he will trouser from the taxpayer will allow the moat to be cleaned yet again at public expense.

Then we have Rebekah Brooks. Readers will recall that in 2011 the News of the World shut down after the extent of its systematic phone hacking became clear, including the phone of missing schoolgirl Milly Dowler who was later found dead. Brooks, who was Editor during the Dowler hacking before progressing via The Sun to CEO of News International, resigned a week later with a payoff of £16m. She stood trial but was acquitted, having convinced the jury that just because she had edited both papers and later ran the whole company AND had been sleeping with her deputy Andy Coulson for six years (and he knew all about the hacking) did not mean that she knew anything about anything and how very dare anyone even suggest otherwise. Brooks will resume her role as CEO on Monday. Robert Thomson, Rupert Murdoch’s henchman, issued the following statement: “Her expertise, excellence and leadership will be crucial as we work to extend our relationship with readers and advertisers and develop our digital platforms to take full advantage of our brilliant journalism.” This, by the way, is the same Murdoch who told the House of Commons Select Committee enquiring into phone hacking “this is the most humble day of my life”. Yeah, right.

And then we had gruesome twosome Tony and Cherie Blair, the Nicolae and Elena Ceausesçu of British political life. Earlier when The Guardian claimed that Cherie had lobbied pal Hillary Clinton in 2010 on behalf of that well-known champion of human rights, the Crown Prince of Qatar, she denounced the article as “sensationalist and inaccurate”.  Now Clinton’s private emails have been released to the US Senate and show that The Guardian was right. Do not hold your breath for an apology Readers – you will expire. Meanwhile Cherie’s husband wrote a piece in The Guardian likening Jeremy Corbyn’s policies to Alice in Wonderland. This from the man who persuaded us to invade Iraq on the basis of a dodgy dossier more fictional than anything Lewis Carroll could ever have conceived and whose actions destabilised the Middle East with the horrifying results we see now all over European ports and train stations.  Not a scintilla of shame amongst the lot of them. Nauseating.

The Video Music Awards and fashion are only very distantly related but this year was an absolute shocker. First in line for the week’s sartorial slating is Jeremy Scott, the Creative Director of Moschino.

Like a circus ringmaster who has lost his whip. And his shirt. And his mind. Just go away….

This is the wondrous Baddie Winkle, 86 year old Instagram sensation (1.3m followers) from Williamstown, Kentucky. 

A strapless bra is rarely a good idea on older women as it tends to exacerbate those hamster pouches under the arms. And this strapless bra is peeking out.  But as you can see, Baddie is not one to worry about appearances. The gaping mouth is like a tunnel of love direct to places you don’t want to think about arriving at and it is giving WTF the creeps.

Next up we have a couple of women famous only because of their exes – Blac Chyna, formerly attached to rapper Tyga (now squiring young Kylie Jenner) and Amber Rose, former inamorata of Kanye West (now married to Kylie’s half-sister  Kim Kardashian).

According to Blac and Amber they were fed up with being called derogatory names for flashing their cosmetically-enhanced chests and wearing skin-tight clothing so Blac is flashing her cosmetically-enhanced chest and Amber is wearing skin-tight clothing and they are both covered in derogatory names. I mean that’s proper post-modern ironic, innit?

Speaking of Tyga the love god, here he is. Be still my beating heart…

What an absolute prat. It is surprising that he can even hold his head up with the weight of those gold chains around his neck and for some reason he has the remains of a parachute over his shoulders. 

We now meet singer and star of Empire Serayah wearing Hervé Leger.

Did Serayah come straight from the beach? As for Hervé Leger, he recently pronounced that he did not want fat women and lesbians to wear his creations. He need not worry. There will be no queue for this one… 

OK let us get the sheer stuff out of the way with two ultra-hideous creations by Kuwaiti designer Labourjoisie. First up is Nicki Minaj.

And almost the same but even worse is Britney Spears. Her dress appears to be made out of the remnants from Nicki’s creation.

WTF would bet a pound to a pitch of shit that women in Kuwait do not go around dressed like this unless they are belly-dancers. Nicki’s dress puts horrified onlookers in fear of an imminent Minge Moment. Britney’s bellybutton is on show and her tittage is about to make a bid for freedom. How on earth did she breathe? 

Here is Ciara wearing Alexandre Vauthier, a man for whom a seam is anathema.

Even Ciara cannot get away with this. She seems to be hiding behind squid ink spaghetti drying in a doorway and the high neck makes her look as if  her head is impaled on a spike.

This is musical theatre actor, singer and (*shudders*) You Tube star Frankie Grande. Look at him! I defy your fingers not to twitch…

Frankie is doing that jazz-hands, open-mouthed, I’ve-just-had-sex!!!!! thing as seen on David Furnish. His shorts appear to house the entire contents of his sock drawer and WTF does not even want to consider why his chest is so shiny.

The MC on this occasion was Miley Cyrus. She wore a series of quite appalling outfits throughout the night but hit the Red Carpet wearing Versace.

Miley and Versace in combination are more toxic than a caravan holiday in Chernobyl. Covering your nips with a harness and wearing the bottom half of a chandelier as a skirt  is not an outfit.  This falls squarely into the category of “That’s Not Even Clothes”. There is more material in the boots.

Imagine sitting down in this. Ouch. 

Finally, there is always some nonentity who turns up looking stupid in a bid to get noticed. Remember Albanian songbird Bleona Gereti wearing a sparkling fishing net at the American Music Awards? Usually the said nonentity is virtually naked but in this year’s flesh-flash-fest, American singer-songwriter Z Lala stood out covered up in vintage Christian Dior.

Well it is novel but it is also bonkers. She looks like Merlin on the run from the asylum. And there is the little matter of her eyes like a couple of tarantulas out on the lash.

This week’s It’s to To Go is suggested by WTF aficionado Ben from Moorgate who is enraged by strangers dawdling two or three abreast on the busy London pavements, blocking his timely arrival at work. Ben says that if there are cycle lanes on the roads, why not ambling lanes on the pavements with another lane reserved for those in a hurry? Ben for Mayor! 

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There were loads of splendid comments last week which made WTF all happy and smiling  so keep them coming as well as your excellent suggestions for It’s Got to Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x